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Things You Do Not Say to a Sasquatch

Updated on January 19, 2017
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has been a member of HubPages for five years. He is retired from a 23-year career in the weekly newspaper business.

The legend of Bigfoot

according to American folklore, Bigfoot (also known as Sasquatch) is a simian, ape, or hominid-like creature that is said to inhabit forests, mainly in the Pacific Northwest. Bigfoot is usually described as a large, hairy, bipedal humanoid. The term Sasquatch is an Anglicized derivative of the Halkomelem word sásq'ets.

Scientists discount the existence of Bigfoot and consider it to be a combination of folklore, misidentification, and hoax, rather than a living animal, because of the lack of physical evidence and the large numbers of creatures that would be necessary to maintain a breeding population. Occasional new reports of sightings sustain a small group of self-described investigators. Most reports of sightings are attributed to being various animals, particularly black bears.

Bigfoot sighting on Animal Planet  Bigfoot sightings in California
Bigfoot sighting on Animal Planet Bigfoot sightings in California | Source

Hey, here are

Just four tough facts about our friend, Bigfoot:

  • 1.) In all of the years since Bigfoot was spotted, filmed, and recorded, no one has ever found a skeleton or corpse of Bigfoot as you would other forest creatures.
  • 2.) No one has ever taken a shot at Bigfoot and most of the witnesses who claim to have seen Bigfoot were professional hunters and trappers fully-equipped with high-powered rifles.
  • 3.) No individual or group, after witnessing (a) Bigfoot ever dared to give chase to this creature.My view is chase the varmit. After all, Bigfoot is the one running from you.
  • 4.) Isn't it strange that even our own government with thermal sighting equipment has never volunteered to help a concerned group with tracking down this Bigfoot creature?

If you listen carefully, a red flag in your mind will pop up when "Joe Witness," "Hogsback, Texas," files a report with his local television station. "Uhh, now that thar beast wuz big, I tell you. Big! And it had this yell like a skeered female being chased by a drunken sailor. No, sir. I didn't know what to do for I was froze to the ground. The Bigfoot I do know wuz about 10 foot tall, and looked to weigh about 450 pounds."

"Joe Witness'" recount of his sighting of Bigfoot was pretty much the same as the thousands of other reports of sightings given by other people around the country. Does that not seem strange to you?

Roger Patterson footage taken in 1967
Roger Patterson footage taken in 1967 | Source

People who have played Bigfoot in film:

  • Andre Tricoteux--The Movie Out Here
  • David Mattey--Strange Wilderness
  • Jason Criscuolo--Assault of The Sasquatch
  • Anthony Costello
  • Will Penny
  • Dave Bonavita--Suburban Sasquatch

Coincidence?

  • Wes Miller and Juan Fernandez both at one time or another, also played Suburban Sasquatch


The Legend of Boggy Creek eleased in 1972 tells about a small town in Arkansas who fear a beast called Bigfoot.
The Legend of Boggy Creek eleased in 1972 tells about a small town in Arkansas who fear a beast called Bigfoot. | Source
Actual footprint found by a professional tracker who was searching for Bigfoot.
Actual footprint found by a professional tracker who was searching for Bigfoot. | Source
Skeleton of alleged Bigfoot creature
Skeleton of alleged Bigfoot creature | Source
 Look inside red circle
Look inside red circle | Source
Apparently Big foot is  immune to snow and ice
Apparently Big foot is immune to snow and ice | Source
Model of Bigfoot
Model of Bigfoot | Source

I for one am not

taking chances. Hey, I don't even like singer, Kenny Rogers or his song, "The Gambler," so I am not going to bet anything that I would do or not do if "I" were to stumble upon a said Bigfoot.

And if you are wise, you will follow my lead and not say these things to a Sasquatch:

  • "Care to dance, big guy? I just learned a lot of those dances from Saturday Night Fever."
  • "Hey, are you that Bigfoot that was in the film, "Harry and The Hendersons?"
  • "If I punch you in the stomach as hard as possible, will it hurt?"
  • "Uggghh! Those people who seen your kind was right. There is that raunchy smell."
  • "Bet I can bet you in arm wrestling!"
  • "Up, Biggie! Come on, jump up for this doggie treat!"
  • "Hey, see that red juicy apple way up there in that tree? Well, I'm hungry, big fella, so would you shinny up that tree and fetch that delicious fruit for me before I starve?"
  • "Man, I'm tired from walking all day, big guy. Would you mind terribly if I rode your back?"
  • "Do you have a singing voice? Hey, let's do a duet called, "Silver Wings" by Merle Haggard."
  • "Is that a steak in your hands? Hey, I am famished, so share a bite, big guy."
  • "Don't growl at me, buddy. I just happen to have a brown belt in Karate."
  • "Now, fella, you threatening me with that tree in your hand doesn't scare me!"
  • "Let me see your feet. Man, oh man. They are huge. No offense."
  • "Do you not have any manners? Burping like that in front of another living thing."
  • "If you haven't noticed, I am thinning on top, so do you mind if I clip some of your hair so I can get myself a wig made for me? Looks like you have plenty to spare. Now be still."
  • "Let's play a game called "Throw Raw Eggs on Bigfoot." It works like this: You stand perfectly still and let me throw as many raw eggs at you as possible. If I hit you more than three times, you find me some grub for supper. If I miss, you let me live."
  • "Don't take offense, but I hope there aren't anymore in your cave like you!"
  • "Let me tell you this joke I heard last week about this traveling salesman traveling down a country road and he had to spend the night with a family of apes . . .oops!"
  • "You ever watch Star Trek when it was on television?"
  • "Say, are you a male or a female?"
  • "I am a good human. And I am going to give you a name. I just can't keep calling you Bigfoot, so how about . . ."Big Billy," "Sassy Sam," "Frank Feet," to name a few?"
  • "Who's your favorite rock and roll band? Mine used to be Motley Crue. You know. You kinda favor Tommy Lee Jones the drummer."
  • "You have a steady girlfriend, pal? Now if you have trouble talking to women, I can tell you that your growl may be scaring any available girl to death."
  • "Friend, sorry, but you do not look that scary to me. You do have nasty teeth though. Ever thought of using a toothbrush?"
  • "Well, looks like I've stayed long enough, so if you don't care, I will . . .uhhh, just . . .be . . .walking . . .back, now wait. There is no use in you getting upset. I only came for a short visit.
  • Drop that rock or you will be sorry."

Note to PETA and the ASPCA: absolutely no Bigfoot were harmed in the production of this hub.

You can read more about Bigfoot/Sasquatch at:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigfoot

Footage in above video was shot by survival expert, Les Stroud. The footage was taken by a stationary video camera Stroud had hidden outside of his camping area where he and a friend were doing research of Bigfoot sightings in the Pacific Northwest United States.

Bigfoot four by four truck  used for entertaining crowds  Not to be confused with Sasquatch
Bigfoot four by four truck used for entertaining crowds Not to be confused with Sasquatch | Source

© 2017 Kenneth Avery

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    • Snakesmum profile image

      Jean DAndrea 3 months ago from Victoria, Australia

      Amusing hub! Bigfoot sounds like your version of our Bunyip.

      The Texan story sounds like a drunken dream. :-)

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 3 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Interesting, fun and entertaining as always, Ken. Thank you. :-)

    • faith-hope-love profile image

      John Ward 3 months ago from Richmond, British Columbia, Canada.

      Very amusing slant. Enjoyed it. A bit like the Loch Ness Monster. There are varying descriptions of Big Foot around the Globe. How about the "Abominable Snowman" of the Alps.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 2 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      faith-hope-love,

      Thank you sincerely for your input.

      "Abominable Snowman" has always intrigued me and the spelling

      "Yetti?" is that another name for him? Or it a her?

      I will do some background on this amazing creature and possibly

      write about him. Or her.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 2 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Genna,

      How are things in Massachusetts?

      Good, I hope.

      Thanks sincerely to you for reading this piece and giving

      me such a warm comment.

      Love you.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 2 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello, Snakesmum,

      I was so grateful to hear from you about Bigfoot.

      May I ask you what "Texas story" are you referring to? I scanned

      the hub and found no inkling.

      Would you clear this up for me.

      And write me all that you want.

    • Snakesmum profile image

      Jean DAndrea 2 months ago from Victoria, Australia

      Hi Kenneth, In your hub, under 4 facts, there is this:

      "If you listen carefully, a red flag in your mind will pop up when "Joe Witness," "Hogsback, Texas," files a report with his local television station. "Uhh, now that thar beast wuz big, I tell you. Big! And it had this yell like a skeered female being chased by a drunken sailor. "

      Loved that bit. :-)

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 2 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Snakesmum,

      LOL! Oh, now I see. This was in the 'Sasquatch reports' section, not in the outward text. Thank you for clearing this up for me.

      "that thar beast wuz big, I tell you. Big! . . ."

      I think that at the time of this writing, it was about 1 a.m. one morning and some of this text I remember and some I do not.

      I take a lot of medications for pain as well as heart medicine.

      Snakesmum, thanks for your friendship and loveable rhetoric.

      Write me at anytime.

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