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Three Fat Cats Conspiracy

Updated on August 28, 2012

Americas Beloved Pets, Or Are They?

According to: http://www.humanesociety.org/, there are 86.4 million owned cats in the United States with 33 percent of US households owning at least one cat. From fluffy little kittens, to exotic cross breeds, cats have become a major part of our lives. Its no secret that pets, especially cats and dogs are treated almost like family members instead of pets, and why not? These loveable creatures love you unconditionally. Cats are relatively low maintenance, and a cat can take care of himself if need be, and are very independent creatures. They are hunters by nature and could fend for themselves if they had to.



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 Oh Yeah Life Is Hard
Oh Yeah Life Is Hard | Source

Indoor Cats

Our three cats are indoor cats, who ironically are all from the same litter, and we got all three at different times. They never go outside ever, and have never been outside since they were first born. But let me tell you something, they don’t really care. I could leave the door open and none of them would ever run out; they look but never feel the need to go out. I think I know why. It's because these cats have it made. Here's why:

They sleep all day. While I'm at work in the stifling heat, these guys are sleeping all day in central air conditioning. How is this fair? How come I can't sleep all day in the central air, and how did they get to be so lucky?


Fat Cats

They are fat. I mean they are big cats to begin with but they are overweight cats also. It's as much as our fault as it is theirs because, they have an endless supply of food. They get two nice meals a day, plus two bowls of dry food, that are handed to them on a plate, and they don’t do anything. But god forbid there food is not on the floor by 6 AM, or 5 PM. They act like their starving, and then they look at you with those eyes, not only trying to hypnotize you, but also making you feel guilty. When their done they disappear, and they don’t even pick up their plate.



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Brain Damaged

Then there's the whole cat box issue, I won't even get into details here.

I'm pretty sure they eat better than I do with things like: "Gourmet Grill Meaty Bits", "Beef in Gravy Prime Fillets", "Turkey Dinner In Gravy", and "Ocean Whitefish & Tuna In Sauce". No wonder they are all overweight.

If these things weren't bad enough I'm pretty sure they are brain damaged. Sometimes they will just sitting there, and for no reason at all just take off sprinting in some unknown direction like a bat out of hell. What is the reason for this?



Cat Toys

We have spent a lot of money on cat toys. Things like fake mice and rubber and plastic balls with bells in them that sit in the hallway in a pile collecting dust. Yet when you throw a plastic tie or a rolled up piece of tinfoil on the floor they play with it for hours.

And there's that laser light what is up with that? They go crazy over that thing and it's like a drug to them. They could be lying around for hours, but as soon as they see that light they go crazy.

We have couches, beds, and various other soft surfaces to sleep on yet they sleep on things like the bathroom floor rug, the rug by the front door, or just the plain floor which leads me to my next point.



Lurking In The Shadoows
Lurking In The Shadoows | Source
Sofie trying to trip me
Sofie trying to trip me | Source

They Are Trying To Kill Me

They are trying to kill me, and I'm pretty sure my wife is involved too. There are strange things going on, and I'm afraid for my life. Sometimes when I'm walking down the hall, one of them will run towards me trying to trip me. Sometimes when I'm in the kitchen, one of them will plop down right behind me hoping I will fall flat on my face.

One time I woke up in the middle of the night, and one of them was on my chest stomping on me. I'm pretty sure it was trying to kill me, and I couldn’t breathe. I never see them doing this to my wife, which is why I'm pretty sure she's involved too. And she also has just taken out a large insurance policy on my life.

When they do sleep on your bed, it's usually in the middle of the night while you're trying to sleep and have to get up the next morning. They sleep at your feet but they don’t move, no matter where you try to move your feet and legs you find that you can't, therefore keeping you up all night. And when you are up all night you are groggy and more prone to one of these attacks.


Watch Out She Bites
Watch Out She Bites | Source
I'm Hungry
I'm Hungry | Source

Other Strange Things

When you start petting them, they don’t leave you alone. You try to walk away they follow you purring. I'm pretty sure this some kind of mind control trick to get me to feed them more food. The female one lures you in by getting you to pet her and after a minute of petting she bites your finger. This is extremely painful but yet she lures you in, and wants you to keep petting her.

There are many other strange things they do like: attack sunlight, one of them chases his tail, (yeah I know I thought only dogs did that), watch TV, and stare at things that are not there. But the evidence is all here that these cats are nuts. Just look at the photos below, and you'll see that I should be scared.




If I Disappear

I pretty sure that they know I am on to them. Not only do they live better than me, but eat better than me, and I am a threat to their way of life, because I know this. If for some reason I disappear or you don’t hear from me again, you know what happened, and please alert the proper authorities.


Im Scared
Im Scared | Source
Notice the erie apparition above them
Notice the erie apparition above them | Source

Comments

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    • Lucky Cats profile image

      Kathy 4 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

      LMAO!!! Marcmic36! this is great! Hahahahaha...you've got to write a series...it will be a sure HIT! Too funny...your fat (!) cats are beautiful and I am waiting to hear how you ended up with three kittens from the same litter but at different times. I have really enjoyed reading this hub...UP FUNNY and Awesome...(hmmmm.....interesting, too, because you just might be onto something about "scary" cats!!)

    • markmic36 profile image
      Author

      Mick Smith 4 years ago from Warwick, RI

      Thank You so much, and I will keep you Posted, and yes there are strange things going on around here.

    • Magdalena55 profile image

      Magdalena Todor 4 years ago from Australia

      Hi Marcmic36, this is sooo funny!! Great story! I can relate to all this as my two cats do strange things too. You did inspare me to write about my babies too. Thanks.

    • markmic36 profile image
      Author

      Mick Smith 4 years ago from Warwick, RI

      Lucky Cats we got Simba (the orange tiger cat) first. My mom had him at her house, and when we went over there my wife fell in love with him. We told her we were going to steal him, but he was my sons cat. (they already named him Cocoa, and he was 3 months old). well at the time my son was traveling alot, and said we could have him. My wife said she would take him, but would like to have a playmate for him.

      My brother, who they got Simba from, also still had two other kittens from the same litter. He gave us Salem The black cat a week after we got Simba, and he was going to keep the other one for a personal pet.

      About three months after that My brother had to move and couldn't take his cat with him. after much discussion we decided to take her in also. And that is how we got Sofie, the calico female. That is how we got three cats from the same litter.

    • UnnamedHarald profile image

      David Hunt 4 years ago from Cedar Rapids, Iowa

      Great article! I can relate-- we have three cats. The totem pole is: Three cats perched at the top, my wife underneath and me at the bottom. Like yours, they are strictly indoor cats, though two of them were on their way to a farm and the other was a scrawny, pathetic stray straggler following a pack of ferals. I will notify the authorities if you disappear from the face of the earth.

    • markmic36 profile image
      Author

      Mick Smith 4 years ago from Warwick, RI

      UnnamedHarald Thanks for your comment. i appreciate it. Yeah living with cats can be cooky sometimes and they do strange things but its all in fun. thanks for the fan mail.

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