Want a Cat AND a Dog? Get a Lynx!
I want a lynx. Every single thing about them is fantastic. I remember back when I was in second grade I got in trouble because my teacher, who was a nun named Sister Gladys (we called her Sister Gladiator), asked us to draw our favorite animal and tell the class why it was our favorite. I went fourth.
The first girl, Haley, talked about how sweet rabbits are and that her rabbit, Muffin, was the best pet ever. Another girl, Jackie, went next, and told basically the same story about how her cat Mittens was fantastic and never scratched and blah blah blah blah blah. My good friend Steve followed, and I knew what was coming. He had a dog named Bernard that even I had to admit was awesome. He listened to any verbal command you could think of. He was friendly, he was a watchdog, he got the paper, etc. Of course, I had to hear about all of it during his gloating presentation.
I was next, and I didn't have any pets (my dad and sister are allergic... I'm still bitter). I drew a lynx. But I didn't have cute personal stories about the lynx I drew. I knew I needed to get creative and step up big time. Seeing as I just found out about lynxes (lynxi?) the day before, I knew that most of my second-grade classmates wouldn't know much about them. In addition to that, I couldn't draw for anything in the world, so the class couldn't really tell what I had drawn. If even all that put me in a hole, I used a white crayon, because I wanted one of those snow-white lynxes (which don't exist... I just wanted it to camouflage with the snow as it stalked its prey). Anyway, prepared to wow the class out of their miniature chairs, I began:
"I drew a lynx. A lynx is an animal that lives in the wild, often in cold, snowy forests. They are bigger than most cats but smaller than most big dogs. I want a lynx really bad. The cool thing about the lynx that I will have is that it will act just like a dog most of the time. It will sometimes act just like Benson (Steven's Dog) a lot. It will prefer dog food instead of cat food and will like to play outside a lot. But it will be a cat too, like Mittens, and I will be able to pet it and stroke it and give it toys like a cat. But unlike cats, they won't chase mice, because they are too big. So if it gets hungry for a real animal, I'll have to feed it Muffin or some other bunny..."
I was about to continue with all the names I had picked out for my lynx (Linus, Lionel, and Leonard), but Haley burst into tears in the back of the classroom, had to be escorted out, and I was yelled at by the Gladiator to sit down. I walked Charley Brown-style back to my seat. When the dust was cleared, everyone was laughing at me, a girl that I had my first crush on uttered "a lynx is stupid, anyway... it's probably not even real," and Sister Gladys put my name on the board... a most unfair and devastating of punishments.
So I forgot about my passion for and desire to own a lynx. That is, until I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows a year ago. An Auror and Order of the Phoenix member Kingsley Shacklebolt sent a message via Patronus (a ghostly animal, for you non-fans). I always wondered what animal my Patronus would take if I were blessed with Potter-like powers, and then I knew. Shacklebolt's Patronus was a lynx.
Immediately I remember the probably-repressed memory of the second grade fiasco and dug through all of my old school stuff. I pulled out the (terrible) drawing of the lynx... MY lynx. And started to do some research. Here's what I concluded after some exhaustive web-browsing:
Lynxes are the single greatest animal on this earth, and I must have one.
The top reasons to own a lynx (in no particular order):
1. They are adorable: Lynxes are fantastic. They are as cute as any cat could ever be. They are also distinct, with the coolest ears of any animal. I don't need to describe them any more. I suggest you look them up.
2. Theythe perfect cat-dog hybrid. Much like I described in my second-grade presentation (that got unfairly cut short... still bitter), lynxes are dogs and cats all rolled into one.
3. They are solitary animals. They can grow affectionate towards humans, but they don't need too much attention. Unlike dogs, if you leave it with snowshoe hare or two in your basement when you go out for the night, it will be the happiest lynx around.
4. They don't need to, but they have the ability to hunt, kill, and eat deer. You want a coon dog? Why? Who cares if your dog can tree a raccoon. My lynx will be able to go deer hunting with me. Let's say I barely wound the deer with an arrow. My thirty-five pound lynx will straight-up murder that deer. It will get a delicious meal, and I will get a head to post above my fireplace. Beat that. (You can't).
5. After my lynx kills that deer, it can/will sit on my lap and purr. That's right. It purrs. Much like cats bring back birds and mice as trophies, my lynx will bring back the head of the deer by the antlers, hop into my lap, and purr as I stroke it. Is there any better animal? Nay.
6. They have 2-4 kittens a year. That's it. Let's say your she-lynx gets a little promiscuous and starts getting a little big around the hips. No biggie. I'm sure you have four friends that have seen how sweet your lynx is, and they'll be willing to pay you millions, maybe billions or trillions for a kitten of their own (I think 493 billion is a worthy price for the offspring of my precious lynx). Anyway... they don't have enormous and unnecessary litters like dogs or cats.
7. An Iberian lynx has sideburns. Don't believe me? Look it up. Travel out to Portugal or Spain and pick yourself up the most enviable sideburn-clad kitty-pup around. I'm not sure if I could handle an Iberian lynx though. They're too small and fun and cute. I might never leave the house.
8. They can be potty-trained... or... their bathroom habits are customizable. Let's say you want your new Canadian lynx Lupe to be more cat than dog. Teach it to use kitty litter! But say Lassandra, your new Iberian feline, seems more like a dog-cat than a cat-dog. Well... you can train it to use the yard. How sweet is that? (Very.)
9. Night person? The Eurasian lynx is nocturnal! And it looks just like a tiger. Look it up. I want one.
10. Let's say your stupid friends have stupid cats, dogs, and bunnies. You'll show them. Especially Haley when you sick Luscious the lynx on her stupid bunny, Muffin (what a stupid name, anyway).
I'm spent. Moral of the blog: Get a lynx, or at least recognize and respect how sweet it would be to own one.