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Paul Robert Kitsos, My life

Updated on February 12, 2012

Always going above and beyond

Someone once asked me if you could see your past through a crystal ball, would you change anything about it ? My reply is no. It is funny we are faulted for our mistakes yet our mistakes are what allows us to grow up and become the people that we are today. No one ever said it would be easy, like pulling flowers from a front garden display, but a journey as if the seed of a plant is the beginning and slowly after time you get to grow up to be symbolized like a flower, able to stand on your own. I have learned to be the best that I can be with taking pride in every action that I submit in life. As you can see on the left I have won many nationals titles for something that I love must, cheerleading. A lot of guys you do not see will take a chance in this sport for whatever reason. I was the only male cheerleader in my highschool and for awhile was the only one on my all star squad.

Just a little extra for you to see

This was a national title that I had the opportunity of competing in. It was a wondrous experience and above all showed me as a athlete and what I could do. Jesse and I received high scores and won our part of the competition as far as duo individuals go. Dancing is now a huge passion for me and I love to do it where ever I am. I am amazing at what I can do and it is apart of learning to love yourself for who you are, and what you are capable of doing. Those who dance are sought to be mad to those who can not hear the rhythm of the music.

Being gay

I love who I am and would not change it for the world. Being gay has open my eyes to the cold and heartless world of some people and how being different can obviously effect someone else who has no idea what another person is going through. I have heard people and even people on hubpages express their concern for people who are gay and their rights as there are things going on in the world that are more important. Obviously your ignorant, selfish and shallow. A little kid commits suicide only 12 years of age even younger due to them being bullied for the difference that they display and its put off like yesterdays news. Some people would even say it is their fault for displaying themselves in such a way. You know what I have to say............ probably not appropriate for a post. I find strength and pride in my self for who I am, and I was told beauty is only skin deep. When you display yourself in a way that is true to yourself shows much courage and admiration then someone who follows an ideal perspective for what has been past down to them from their ancestors dealing with homophobia----------- and yeah it is true thing that is disgusting and worse for generations who have fought their way out of darkness to shine in a light that is accepting to them.

A death in my life

My mom passed away when I was younger about 16 and no one really ever knows how hard it can be unless it is something that you have experienced yourself.My mom dealt with years of cancer and passes away at the age of 45. I watched her slowly decompose from the inside out. For people who are feeble minded or naive let me tell you this, I am not saying that you do not understand or maybe feel compassion for someone who has experienced death. It is something that you have to go through to gain a perspective of what is like or what feels like to lose someone you love. It is not a joke for awhile and this is a lesson to myself I was very ignorant in what I said sometimes. I always had a great sense of humor and when you feel like you have taken all angles of a joke you start to go towards family members. Example saying things like " your mom would understand" or even something simple as " your mom". It truly hurts and I was one of them people and then I gained a perspective of what is like to not have one in this world anymore. My mom was a courageous women who would do anything for anyone kinda like who I am today. Her traditions have passed to me and exposed me to a world that is wonderful where a smile can tell a tale of triumph and honorableness, and allowed me to share my life story with other people.

Finding myself

It took me awhile to find myself and for a long period of time I was dying my hair every color under the rainbow. I went from blue to purple to pink to a lighter shade of blue, even to a Ronald McDonald red. Was mixing colors together that made almost an abstract tint of fusion. You would have no idea of what some of the comments people would make or the stares that are placed when dealing with something that is different from their perspective. There we're times people we're so rude it disgusted you to the point it was astonishing. I am the type of person I love myself so you can not tell me anything about myself that I would even care to listen for. You have your opinions that is great and if you wish to share in my glory then that is commendable but if you're going to bash me for my difference then you should just join my hater fan club.

Lost sight of myself

When I was younger about 14 I was introduced to the internet and the downfalls that can either make or break you. I was really young at the time and was meeting men who we're twice almost three times my age for physical encounters. I did this all the way up until I was about 18 years of age. There we're times that these men would pick me up and I would feel almost scared, petrified even to what the outcomes could have possible been. Then again I have no one to blame but myself. I am very thankful that I had my eyes opened to my dads partner who has been suffering from aids for years. If it was not for him I would of kept doing the same thing that I was doing and time could only tell what would of happened. There is no words to describe how my life is with sex and it has now come to a point to where no matter what happens it will always feel like rape. Then again I have no one to blame but myself, that allowed disclosure in my life. Sex is made out to be something it is not, and let me tell you I have lost myself and many potential long lasting relationships because of the past. What is worse is going to a club with a potential in your eyes and a random guy comes up to you and the base for the conversation is a midnight booty call you have done. Do I regret it somewhat, but I also have clarity of why. I felt ugly and worn down to society around me for being who I am as a gay guy that the least bit of a comforting feeling would mean the world to me. That if someone could love me for the image i create then nothing would ever matter. Only thing is it was not love, it was a misconception of reality that was twisted like a scary tree I once saw in my grandmas backyard. I hope my story will reach out to a younger generation of anyone who is experiencing depression in who they are and to not make the same mistakes that I have made. Love can be weird and sex is great but it is worth waiting for, you must learn to love yourself for who you are, before you could learn to love anyone else. These pictures are of my life that did not take an effect until I learned a great deal about who I am as a person though it is not too late, I still lost a huge chuck to a distorted messed up reality. Only thing I can say is all people want is to be loved for who they are and not for what the ideal perspective of that person is. Like Hanna Montana sung about Nobody is perfect.

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    • MikeShines profile image

      MikeShines 5 years ago from Springwater, NY

      Thank you for your integrity and honesty in posting your personal experiences. I understand some of what you have experienced although we have big differences in some of how we perceive our sexuality -- mine probably due to my christian beliefs and the confusion it has impacted me with. Anyhow I admire your strength when you witnessed the death of your mom from Cancer. I understand Cancer but not as early as you had. My father died nine years ago from Lung Cancer and it was devastating to see how it not only sucked the life out of him but my mom too. After his death her health went down hill fast but she is still holding on to this day. I moved back from out-of-state to live with and take care of her so she wouldn't be forced from her home. Although she has become a stricter Christian and less forgiving about my being gay, she still is a beautiful and caring person. She was frought with PTSD from early life trauma and she learned from it and has helped other women through the years and in her job, which as a therapy-aid broke her body down significantly. Anyway being who I am I know my full identity is not just my orientation and being single all of my life has instilled me with some self-strength although, and obviously at least to me, the loneliness isn't something that goes away. Anyhow I am in my forties now and hoping to help myself and others to find meaning in their life although their may be many impediments in their way. I like it that you have allowed yourself to do things you enjoyed and grew from both your successes and losses. I too think that the failures or losses help a person to grow (if they choose too) as much and maybe more so than the successes in their life.