Portrait and landscapes
Love Love Love
am sitting idle. Gazing at the pale moonless sky. It’s sure going to rain this night… I wish it rains.. I am sitting idle and joining dots. One dot after the other. The dots are appearing and again disappearing. I know after sometime the dots will even stop appearing!
Its clumsy sitting alone but perhaps I am in love with this loneliness. I sit alone, I think alone; I cry alone, I sleep alone and again I dream alone.
But it was not like this… I still remember the long gone days.. The tune is still so fresh… I met Rishi at the art gallery.
The very first time I happened to see an artist so close .. I was
standing in front of a landscape appreciating one of his creations!
“what are you looking so very passionately?”
heard his voice from behind .. voice! o no no as if the age old rudra
veena suddenly played .. I was taken aback, carried away.. I was almost
falling!! Fainting! “Yet again came his voice ..
“What are you trying to find out in that landscape”? ..
I could not speak for at least half a second. I gathered myself and said… “ Your never never land”!
O my god ! How could I afford to say this to a master painter? Who himself is a name! Am I out of my mind! Have I lost it completely!
“Ha ha ha” … I heard his hoot.. “Well-said young lady! Never never land.. Truly! The ideas never painted! The place never visited! The dreams never seen!! .. So how do u like my never never land?”
I was almost dying to reach him out! So desperate to map the words out.. “I am sorry Rishi . I am no one to comment at all.. I am like too insignificant.. I can’t even hold a brush how can I comment on your painting!” But all I could say is almost a whispering “Hmm” and could only exchange a coy smile!
That was the beginning of an affair! An all devouring emotion! . an affair far far far away from the reality! Rishi made me feel how to love.. he made me understand the feeling of falling in love and to feel the ecstasy again in my pulses. It was a dream! A reverie! Where every time I fell, I slipped, yet I loved loved and loved!
We planned to get married. And as planned, very shortly we got married. In a small rented apartment we started our life together as married couple. Rishi was very busy with his paintings especially with the landscapes. On Sundays we used to step out at the nearest hill top.. There Rishi used to paint and I used to appreciate Rishi’s hand, his motions, his disheveled hair, his insomniac eyes..
Rishi loved me.. Yes he did.. In his every move I felt that passionately loving husband who used to keep me awake night after night with his crazy talks, with his sweet unrests and with all his trance, fervor, craze and love. The moments are still so close to my heart! But ..i don’t know I was very scared! The thorn of fear was always there making my nights colder, making my love suffer! I Knew Rishi loved me.. But I used to fear that what if he stops loving me? What if I turn ugly and Rishi turns back! What if .. what if and what if!!
Rishi You love me? How much? Will u love me even if I turn all grey? I become so ugly that none can look at me! Tell me Rishi will you love me still then.. I never could finish those sentences and Rishi used to seal my lips with his. Those wet kisses are still so fresh in my memory…
Rishi’s painting was going good. A steady income was flowing and it was then I felt that little Rishi is making his presence felt inside my womb. I was happy, I was flying high , I was contented and happy! Rishiiii …. You are going to be the father .. The brush fell down… the canvas shook.. What??
Yes yes Rishi ! Its on its way.. He is coming .. Happy happy days.. we shopped, we walked , we cooked and lastly we dreamt together!
An important photo exhibition came and Rishi was to draw a portrait! A portrait which he has never canvassed before!! He was excited and so was I. He asked me to be the model. We went up the hills.. As I donned the aqua apparel , Rishi said Hold on there.. u.. stand like that .. I am going to sketch my life.. for whom I can die a hundred time… I was standing still.. Smelling the wilderness of the rhododendrons, hearing the fall of the autumn leaves .. I was standing still .. Almost holding my breath… I could often feel his touch rearranging my hair to make me look just apt to befit his portrait mood! But what is this now.. where is light gone? Why it is so dark? Darkness is as if enveloping me.. ahhhhhhh the pain!!
After almost 4 days I happened to open my eyes.. The smell of antibiotics and medicine! Rishi Rishi where are you?
“ Good Morning Mrs Ray!” How are u feeling today! I am Doctor Deb.
What is wrong with me?
Nothing .. u just slipped from that hill and u are now here. The county hospital.
Rishi! Where is my husband? He is out for some business purpose will be back at any moment
Sister .. Measure her BP and take a note of the complications.
Noting was registering.. all I could feel is a sharp pain at my back.. I wanted to raise myself… but all I could feel is a strong pain.. Injection few more and I was sedated again!!
I came back
home with Rishi... sitting on a wheelchair.. Rishi, Rishi please talk
.. are u sad. Are u angry, R u depressed .. No I couldn’t speak all
these! All I could again say is a “Thanks” as he helped me to transfer
to the bed from the chair!! Tears rolled out from my eyes! And there
did I see tears in his eyes? No I guess! Rishi was a completely changed
person! From dawn to dusk he was sitting beside me…. I could not find
my old Rishi amidst this utter serious gentleman. Rishi y are u wasting
ur life with me.. U are free .. u please go ahead and leave me.. I will
be all fine here .. Don’t worry for me! But I want u to be happy! I
wanted to tell this to Rishi. A number of times. A thousand times I
wanted to mouth this.. but again I don’t know what stopped me!!
And after much rehearsal once I happened to mouth this!! Rishi looked at me and said nothing!! Did I see that green tinge of hatred? Did I witness pity? Did I see loveless gaze? O no Rishi I cant live with your pity .. I can still live with the memories of your love but never with your pity !!
Months passed in the midst of a thousand transfers from my paraplegic wheelchairs, days crossed.. I could very well see Rishi slipping away.. and here as I sit alone looking at the nameless endless vast fields I miss all those days of our togetherness; those moments of closeness; those sheer bits of utter intimacy. I miss you Rishi. I miss holding your arms and running to those hilly tops, I miss witnessing your disheveled hair as you stoop low over your canvas, I miss everything every bit of you!!! But still I am happy as I find you busy these days. I am fine with everything Rishi if you are happy.. That day I saw you walking in almost half sleep.. u were looking so calm.. so poised .. so happy..
I am happy for you Rishi! I am happy even if you are in love with somebody …. I will accept everything.. after all I am a waste .. I know I stand no where!!
As I am sitting idle gazing at the pale moonless sky I almost prepared myself to say Rishi all these .. I plan to set him free.
I closed my eyes and started waiting for Rishi! The clock struck at ten… where are u Rishi ? where are you! today is perhaps the last night.. the last moment of togetherness!! Where are u Rishi .. I wish to hold you one last time!
Did I hear the unlocking of the back door ? Yes I distinctly hear ! what time it would be now? Ten? No no perhaps eleven at night !! its cold !
U still awake ? I heard Rishi!! Whats wrong ! u running temperature? I felt Rishis palm on my forehead.
“Rishi Please tell me why are you doing this to yourself ?”
“What am I doing ?”
“Rishi you know what I am trying to say.. Rishi I know I am a waste.. why u are not telling me to get lost.. to be out of your life.. to forget you .. I know Rishi you are in love with somebody.. I have seen that love in your eyes.. after long I have again witnessed your red eyes, your disheveled hair and that crazy you stooped upon your canvas.. hiding something from me..”
“Rishi please I know I stand no where but still be truthful.. have mercy …” i could feel my tears running ….
“Do you really think that I am in love?” Do you really believe that yes I have started living again!! Yes you are right ! I have started to live .. to love again .. I am again dreaming . and you know what .. I am painting again .. the dream portrait of my life!
And yes .. you are right .. I am in love again ..
Rishiii.. I could only hear my voice fading away.. as I tried to hold him.. my entire entity as if dissolving..
What happened ? You wont see my love ? You wont appreciate her beauty? You wont say anything about my dream portrait!!?
Yes Rishi .. I will.. Show me!!
I waited .. and waited as I hear Rishis footsteps fading away.. ahh how many minutes! How many seconds and mili seconds.. how many more minutes!!
I felt Rishi’s breath. I opened my eyes.. ah! There is Rishi standing infront of me holding tight his portrait! His dream!! His love!
For one second I felt like saying .. Rishi rishi please do not show me that .. I don’t want to see that .. tell me you love me only!! But I couldn’t.
Its here .. my love is here .. see .. open your eyes…
I opened my eyes.. tear was blocking … what is this ! who is she? I can see that aqua apparel kissed by the morning wind.. the red rhododendrons as if caressing her as she stands there smiling…
I felt rishis palm again on my forehead.. do u see my love? Do u see how beautiful is she .. how pure like the morning sky.. Don’t tarnish my love….
Rishi I am sorry .. I couldn’t say a thing as I felt my lips once again locked in his