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Though weary unto death

Updated on March 13, 2012
California Storm:view 005
California Storm:view 005 | Source
Source
Source
Source
Meditations
Meditations | Source
Source
Source
Source
Source
Source
"Standing Against the Storm"
"Standing Against the Storm" | Source
Winter's Pier
Winter's Pier | Source
"Momentary Calm"
"Momentary Calm" | Source
"Soaring"
"Soaring" | Source
Location: I-5 Southbound, view point between San Clemente and Oceanside CA
Location: I-5 Southbound, view point between San Clemente and Oceanside CA | Source
Location: I-5 Southbound, view point between San Clemente and Oceanside CA
Location: I-5 Southbound, view point between San Clemente and Oceanside CA | Source

This time, I am trying to purposefully use the photo essay as the focus and the poem as way of enhancement. The poem itself, needs little in the way of a framework or explanation. I originally wrote this in 2005, at a time in which my (now evident) laundry list of chronic health issues began to increase and impact my life more and more. In this particular piece, I had just begun dealing with the spiraling and blending and blurring of those multiple health issues. Now, after six years of dealing with what has come to be a daily effort at dealing with disability, I understand this much better, and actually have excellent ways of coping with it----some are purely medical, some preventative, and some emotional and spiritual. I have tried to develop a simple coping method over these last five or six years----I enjoy what I can do on good days, try to rest on the absolutely worst days. My standard response is that, given that I am a Buddhst, in my next lifetime I have to negotiate a better warranty-----this lifetime's warranty just expired too darned quickly! (The spacing on this particular poem and my Hub pages editing ability aren't cooperating well with each other. Please forgive if this impacts how well this piece reads to you!) If you are a friend of mine from Facebook, I will post it in its correct spacing over there!)

Though Weary Unto Death

Sometimes,

from somewhere
the phrase comes

into my mind
"weary unto death"
and it takes hold,
finds a home

in a dark corner

of my heart

and tries

to make

me

believe

it.

Yes, I think,

I am

weary

unto

death.
I am

weary
of this continuing

pain in my body...
leaving me

tired and aching,
unable

to sleep
without

medications

yet when I do

sleep,
I

never

know
how long

it will take
to simply

feel

human again
once I am awake

once I am able to

drag

my weary body
from the bed.

Yes, I think,
I am

weary

unto

death.

I

am

weary of

continuing

to pay a

life-price

in bits and pieces;

of trading time

with my child

spent

at the beach
for the hours

of aching

within my

knees and back

those aches

I will try

oh so hard

not to allow

my child

to see in me.

Trading

the early evening

rise of a gloriously

gravid fully

rounded moon

for a sudden

middle of the night
awakening

drenched

in my own sweat
shaking

frightened
fighting

sudden

unexpected

body reactions,

rushes

of insulin
and a fear,

an intense sense

that one day

I

won't

awaken

in time

so that

my family

will find

my lifeless body

some morning.

Yes, I think,
I am weary unto death...
but I call upon my own

personal litany against the dark
I remind myself yet again,
that I am not my diseases
nor am I my pain.

I force my mind to focus

on the reality that

this pain,

this excruciating wearying draining

pain

is still a part of being alive.

I focus that, once again

though I have often been

weary unto death,

my life continues

I am living,

still vital

still alive.

Again, I have managed,

like gloriously gravid moon,

to come full circle;

though I have been

wearied unto death,

there is yet joy in living,

yet a time to

rejoice in

being gifted

one more day of life.

Copyright 06-29-05

revision: 03-12-12
Cynthia L. Shubert-Jett


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