I'm sensing you are the "Mr. Wilson" from Dennis the Menace in your neighborhood. I actually laughed at this! I think the second on is worth a shot for a "how-to," but as for the other two, try turning your lights off to avoid anyone coming knocking.
& I think if you borrow a van put "free candy" on it for a few weeks...people will stop trusting theirs kids around you & you can have some peace. hahah. Im kidding.