10 Things NOT To Do While Driving

is a serious business. Now that some of you have stopped laughing, I will continue. We of my age bracket are not in our carefree teen years anymore. We are supposedly mature adults with responsible lives and responsibilities. Driving is not a game. Nor is it a playground for the vehicular-challenged. When you get behind the wheel, you are the operator of a 2100-pound machine that if not handled properly, can be easily considered a "moving weapon."

I'm not trying to "buzz kill" your Sunday driving times with the wife and kids. Or bum you out on when you are cruising around with your "honey" to show her off to your pals. I am talking about your hot girlfriend, not your spit-shined vintage Pontiac Firebird like Burt Reynolds drove in "Smoky And The Bandit." You can still be cool and be a great driver. Fact is today in 2012, girls, both hot and hoping-to-look-hot love mature drivers. I read that a few months ago in a Popular Mechanics magazine while waiting for my wife, of all places, in a hair salon that was mostly for girls. I admire that. Crossing the gender line. No harm. No foul. Okay, I am bursting at the seams to say it: "by the looks of some of the girls in this salon my wife uses, they could pass for guys who love powerful engines, car wax and loud mufflers."

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is that there are more of us who drive the roads of our great United States. And with our fast, super-speed society filled with pressure, stress and meeting deadlines, well you do the math. With millions of people whose minds are not on their driving, but work and survival, you end up with traffic accidents galore. I am not going to sugar-coat this story with you. I want you to fully-understand just how serious that mastering a motor vehicle can be.

From the time you get your much-coveted learner's permit to those priceless driver's license, it's a mystical journey of learning. Either from your driver's education instructor at your high school or from a parent. Maybe both. And young people, please try to soak-in the driving lessons and the wisdom of more-experienced drivers. Both will enable you to be a proud American who is safe and confident behind the wheel.

I know that I come off sounding like a public service announcement on late-night television or in "drive-time" traffic FM radio stations in Atlanta, Georgia, Birmingham, Alabama and even Washington, D.C., but that, I cannot help. I am out to get through to only one amateur driver. And hopefully he or she will remember the words of this story on that glorious day that they shout to the heavens, "mom and dad! I got them--my driver's license! Now hand over the keys to the sedan!" Can you just picture this, Mr. and Mrs. Average Citizen of America?

I recall the day that my only daughter got her driver's license. In one try. Like her old man. I knew that day that I was about to turn her loose into the wild world we live in. And with a sadness that only dad's can feel, (and hid inside), I wished her a safe Friday night and watched as her taillights went out of sight to be with her friends in town. And you might think that I am boasting, but I am not. I wasn't like my dad who was over-protective and asked me 500 questions each time I left and returned in our family car. I just trusted God and my daughter's driving instincts and went inside my house and watched the Tonight Show with then-host, the late, great Johnny Carson.

I will return in a few minutes after I take break to catch my breath and sip a cup of fresh, black "Eight O' Clock" coffee. I won't be long.

Hello. I am so glad that you waited on me. I don't like to do that. Take a coffee break in mid-hub. Thank you for your patience. I do appreciate that very much.

Like I was saying a few moments ago, young people, learn from those more-experienced drivers and hey, when you take your test for your learner's permit, if you pass, the driving instructor who administers the test will give you a priceless book called a "Driver's Manual," for you to study. And that is what I want you to do also. Study. Study. Study. Then study some more, but don't let the study of driving rules and regulations interfere with your school work. Do that first. Then get out your trusty driver's manual and preferably study by yourself. With no distractions such as television, radio or screaming little brothers and sisters. You really want to pass your learner's permit test, right? Then follow what I am saying.

And while your driver's manual may be '"the" end-all manual of driving knowledge, it may not contain these . . .

"10 Things Not To Do While Driving . . ."

so study THESE 10 things along with the rules of your driver's manual and you will "ace" the learner's permit test.

Young Drivers-To-Be, Do NOT . . .

1. Let "Johnny Fusco," the neighborhood gang member and school drop-out teach you how to drive. His methods may be sharp. Cool. And fun, but they can also steer you in the wrong direction. Learn from an experienced driver and you will thank me later.

2. Impress your new girlfriend, "Betsy," by driving with your knees instead of your hands. You want to keep "Betsy" around don't you? Don't be an idiot. Drive carefully and she will be your steady girlfriend for a long time.

3. Try to reach over the seat where you are sitting to get a bite of french fries you just discovered in your back seat. Hey, the fries may be ruined. One thing you don't need is food poisoning on the day you try for your driver's license.

4. Play "Blind Man's Bluff" with your buddies in the car while moving down the highway. If you must play this childish game, do it at your home. Or theirs. No state trooper will believe you when he stops you and sees that you are wearing a blindfold.

5. Load up your 15 buddies to set a new world's record of how many guys you can stuff in your car. You are the driver. You need room to check your mirrors and be alert at all times. This stupid move rates down there with drinking and driving.

6. Yell at pretty girls while doing 60 miles per hour on a busy street. First, it will scare the pretty girl into thinking you are irrational. And second, in a split second, you might have an accident. Not a cool sight for the pretty girl to see.

7. Get into heated sports-related arguements with buddies in your car. Let your pals "duke it out" and you stay focused on your driving. Who cares of Peyton Manning will play for the Arizona Cardinals in 2012? Even if you do care, your driving safety comes first.

8. Accept cell phone calls while under the wheel. This is as ignorant as texting while driving. Turn off your cell phone before you start the car's engine. I know this sounds harsh, but I am trying to save your life.

9. Use the car horn for a toy. "Look here, guys! I can scare the wits out of that old man on the sidewalk," is what you might say as you do another stupid thing in using your car horn in this unacceptable fashion. The horn is to warn pedestrians and animals to keep clear. You are coming down the street. And the horn is not for trying to "honk-out" the music to "Thriller," by Michael Jackson.

10. Allow your girlfriend to sit in your lap. Or if you are a girl driver, do not allow your boyfriend to do the same. This looks ridiculous. And it is dangerous. And even if he she sits near you, temptation is always around somewhere. And your hormones may get the best of you at how she looks and that perfume, "Hot Dallas Nights," she is wearing, so be smart. Keep yourself in control. When you park the vehicle, then make-out with him or her.

Now with these 10 things to not do while driving, plus the information in your driver's manual and the rigorous hours of listening and watching your dad, mom or uncle Thad, taught tank driving in the Army, you stand a great chance of being our next "Safest, Most-Careful Driver In America."

And did you notice the mention of Johnny Carson in the above text? I hope so, for this hub is dedicated to him and his hilarious character, "Karnack, The Magnificent."

Thank you, Johnny, for the numerous hours of enterainment that you gave us.

Thanks, guys and gals, for taking time to read this hub. I sincerely appreciate it.

Kenneth.