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2011 Yamaha Star Stryker: Ugly Stryke Out

Updated on March 20, 2011

In Yamaha's relentless drive to produce the ugliest motorcycles in history, they topped themselves this time! The entire motorcycling universe (with the exception of a few contrarian myopic die-hards with nude posters of Rosanne Barr on their walls) had barely gotten over its nausea at the repugnant visual assault on senses wrapped up in the Yamaha Raider. But now Yamaha has continued in its grossly emetogenic styling violations to actually exceed what had to date been the ugliest motorcycle of the decade with the 2011 Yamaha Star Stryker.

Everything that was wrong with the Raider is double wrong with a cherry on top on the Stryker. The Raider was the single ugliest, most vile, misshapen, disgusting, fatuous, grotesque lump of metal to issue from any motorcycle manufacturer since the Buell Lightning. Now the 2011 Yamaha Star Stryker readily trumps its predecessor as a hideous, abhorrent, appalling, loathsome, repulsive monstrosity with no comparisons. Imagine if someone had taken a sledge to the Raider's rancid odious excuse for styling, shrunk it in hot water, and then tossed it into a vat of 99 cent matte black spray paint: There you have the 2011 Yamaha Star Stryker. Puke on wheels.

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The 2011 Yamaha Star Stryker captures the essence of Seth MacFarlane's ethics and sensibilities and places it within a rolling two wheeled temple to the aesthetic wonders of flatulence, vomit, and vivisection. There is nothing that can be salvaged on the entire bike with the possible exception of the engine. The first horrific aspect which spits in your eye is the droopy exhaust dysfunction, then what's left of your sight leads up to the matte door hinge leading up to the minuscule poor excuse for a sidecover.

If you haven't decided to pluck your eyes out yet then the teardrop tank will definitely yank the teardrops from your eyes, as it hangs way back from a Tonka Toy gusseted triangulated frame neck section with a hole big enough to fit Obama's deficit through. Continue forward to the micro baseball cap flip up on the back of the awkwardly shaped front fender, and then if you can possibly keep your lunch down, try to justify the Flash Gordon on meth shape of the chrome rear fender supports. You'll especially hork chunks at the rear fender's curl over the taillight with a compound lump shape right off of a Trabant.

If you're trying to win the intestinal fortitude award, see if your gag reflexes can be kept in check on the other, belt drive side of the bike. From the coffee filter holder cover behind the rear cylinder to the Soviet T-18 Tank five-slotted metal anchovy can, all the way to the gargantuan forceps which surround a belt sprocket right out of Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times: the entire motorcycle begs to be taken to the crusher. Now.

Yamaha's styling department should be arrested for crimes against human eyes, and anyone who dares defend the styling of this mutant gargoyle should do life on the chain gang with them. Yamatrocious has done it again!

Length: 99.5 in.
Width: 34.0 in.
Height: 44.6 in.
Seat Height: 26.5 in.
Wheelbase: 69.0 in.
Fuel Capacity: 4.0 gal.
Fuel Economy: 41 mpg
Wet Weight: 645 lbs.

Type: 1304cc (80-cubic-inch) liquid-cooled V-twin
Bore x Stroke: 100.0 x 83.0mm
Fuel Delivery: Fuel injection
Compression Ratio: 9.5:1
Ignition: Transistor Controlled Ignition
Final Drive: Belt
Transmission: Five-speed; wet multiplate clutch

Frame: Double cradle steel
Suspension - Rear: Single shock; 3.9-in travel
Suspension - Front: Telescopic fork; 5.3-in travel
Brakes - Rear: 310mm Hydraulic disc
Brakes - Front: 320mm Hydraulic disc
Tire - Rear: 210/40R18M/C
Tire - Front: 120/70-21M/C
Wheels: 5-spoke cast aluminum

MSRP: $11,240 in Impact Blue or Reddish Copper, and $10,990 in Raven... Which is about 0.01% of what they'd have to pay me to ride this heinous, foul, ghastly POS.

Recommended accessory: A large tarp to cover it so it doesn't scare small children.


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