GM's New Communist Economy Car: 2011 Trabant-2
The first Trabant rolled off the production line on 7 November 1957: the 40th anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution. Now that the Bolsheviks have taken the White House, it is only fitting that the transportation symbol of the Proletarian Paradise be brought back to solve our modern vehicle challenges.
In accordance with the first Obama Five Year Plan, General Motors Communist (GMC) has announced that it will introduce a new small economy car to its newly socialized lineup: The Trabant-2!
When Time Magazine named the original East German Communist built Trabant one of the worst cars of all time, they summed up the vehicle very well:
Powered by a two-stroke pollution generator that maxed out at an ear-splitting 18 horsepower, the Trabant was a hollow lie of a car constructed of recycled worthlessness (actually, the body was made of a fiberglass-like Duroplast, reinforced with recycled fibers like cotton and wood). A virtual antique when it was designed in the 1950s, the Trabant was East Germany's answer to the VW Beetle — a "people's car," as if the people didn't have enough to worry about. Trabants smoked like an Iraqi oil fire, when they ran at all, and often lacked even the most basic of amenities, like brake lights or turn signals. But history has been kind to the Trabi. Thousands of East Germans drove their Trabants over the border when the Wall fell, which made it a kind of automotive liberator. Once across the border, the none-too-sentimental Ostdeutschlanders immediately abandoned their cars. Ich bin Junk!
The Trabant-2 features all of the characteristics which made the original model such a triumph of Communist engineering. The Trabant-2 features the traditional 595 cc, two-cylinder air-cooled engine which requires a 50:1 gas-oil mix. Filling up a Trabant is fun and easy. Just open up the hood, fill the tank with gasoline, pour in two-stroke oil, and then step to the side of the car, put your hands onto the body and shake it back and forth to mix the oil with the fuel!
The new Trabant-2 reaches a breathtaking speed of 56 mph (91 kph) in just 28 seconds, and remains unmistakeable with its signature two stroke exhaust note "tring dang dang dang dang... trinnnnnng dang dang dang dang..." Trabant-2 drivers will also benefit from exceptional visibility as the smoke from their exhausts can be seen for miles.
The Trabant-2 is a true economy car. Unlike the bourgeois cars of the past, it has no carpeting, glove box, or fuel gauge. The rear windows are glued shut to improve aerodynamics.
Thanks to the Obama Administration's collectivization of General Motors Communist, we can now bring back more nostalgia from the great old Iron Curtain days, such as the lovable Trabant jokes:
- How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up its fuel tank.
- How do you measure the acceleration of a Trabant? With a calendar.
- Why does the Trabant have a heated rear window? It keeps your hands warm while you push it.
- How do you turn a Trabant into a sportscar? Put your Nikes in the trunk.
- How many workers does it take to build a Trabant? Two: One to fold and one to paste.
- Why doesn't a Trabant have seat belts? It might be mistaken for a backpack.
- Why is the Trabant the longest car on the road? There's ten feet of car, followed by fifty feet of smoke.
- What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Trabant? You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
The Trabant-2 is the newest addition to the redstellar General Motors Communist model lineup. And coming soon... the Wartburg-2!
Presenting: The 2011 GMC Trabant-2!
... And Coming Soon, the 2012 GMC Wartburg-2!
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