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I Think Bumper Stickers Are Stupid And That Goes For Stick People Families And Everything Else

Updated on May 9, 2011

My grandfather was a Cadillac salesman. He would always tell us to get a white car and to keep it clean because it would have better resale value. Even the thought of a possible bumper sticker on a car would send him into a catatonic fit and my father inherited the same opinion plus a little more. So I guess it’s only natural that I think bumper stickers are stupid and that goes for stick people families, children kneeling at crosses and everything else – Don’t Get Me Started!

I don’t care how the rest of my life looks I start to get a twitch in my eye if there’s even a gum wrapper on the floor of my car. I know exactly where it comes from, I understand that some things are just “passed down” from generation to generation and that instead of me getting money, huge estates or even a clef chin like Cary Grant, I got the “keep your car as clean and pristine as you can” gene instead.

But honestly I just don’t understand the whole bumper sticker thing. Let’s start with political bumper stickers. I don’t get these or why these aren’t removable after the election. Are you really proud that you’re displaying the “losing team” on your bumper months after the election? Does it give you some sort of pride or something that you backed a loser and now you appear to have sour grapes that they didn’t win by still displaying it on your bumper? Frankly when George W won his second term I didn’t understand why anyone would have a bumper sticker on their car for him and what’s more there was more than once when he was doing a crappy job that I had to stop myself from ramming the car in front of me that had a George W bumper sticker on it just to get out some of my anger at George himself. These should definitely be removable – Post-It people, get on it, will ya?

Next up are the “Proud Parent” “Stick People Family” “Child Kneeling At Cross” and every other stupid God Damned thing on your bumper or on your back window. What I find is that the people who have the stick family on the back of their van are perhaps the worst drivers in the world. Perhaps because they’ve cluttered their back window with so much crap they can’t see out of it. They also seem to have all three of the above mentioned on their car in most cases. What I find is that on the whole they seem to be all about keeping their “stick family” together but couldn’t give a damn about anyone else on the road or paying attention to driving their vehicle. Look, I don’t care that you’ve got three girls, one boy, a cat and a dog as your stick people windowed indicates. What are you going to do when the husband leaves you, the cat dies and the boy turns out gay? It’s going to take an awful lot of Goo Gone to get rid of those figures.

Lest you think I’m leaving out us gays, I can assure you that my loathing for all things bumper sticker goes for the rainbows, Human Rights Campaign “equal” signs and those annoying bumper stickers that lesbians with four children notoriously have on their bumpers, “Hate Is Not A Family Value.” Ugh. Well now your car has no value since you put that stupid thing on your bumper so you win, I guess.

I know that this reads as if I’m the old man on the porch just screaming at passer-bys for no reason but honestly I don’t get it. Then again, I also don’t get the naked girl silhouette mud flaps, I don’t get the Beanie Babies or collection of baseball hats in your back window and I certainly don’t get bumper stickers. I think bumper stickers are stupid and that goes for stick people families, children kneeling at crosses and everything else – Don’t Get Me Started!



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    • Bedbugabscond profile image

      Melody Trent 4 years ago from United States

      Thank you for this. I think bumper stickers are a distraction. I am one of those people who could get so engrossed in your sticker that I rear end you. It has never happened, but it could happen. Then I start to wonder, how many accidents a year are caused by bumper stickers. Of course, maybe I am just to imaginative and morbid for my own good.

    • Andy McGuire profile image

      Andy McGuire 4 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      The pissing Calvins annoy me the most. Those, and outdated political campaign bumper stickers. "Kerry in '04" Dude, it's 2013, take that shit off.

      That said, I do have a window decal of my favorite band, the political punk band "Rise Against" that I will die before removing.

    • profile image

      Tunacrab 7 years ago

      They annoy me too. They seem to be on every single mom mobile in my town. I made a "protest sticker" if you want to see it:

    • profile image

      Ed 7 years ago

      The best bumper stickers are the "opposites" for example:

      Fish with legs instead of Christian Fish

      WWBD (what would Bacchus do) instead of WWJD

      My kid beat up your honor student

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      Thanks Ladies, And I'm in complete agreement about the "memorandum" back window decals. When I see these it just makes me wonder the circumstances that "Little D" perished and I wonder if it had been me would I really want my memorial to be on the back window of a Chevy Nova that has one side completely gray primer color? I think not! Thanks for the comments, you always have the most delicious things to say and I smile the entire time I'm reading them!

    • Triplet Mom profile image

      Triplet Mom 7 years ago from West Coast

      Scott - Thank you for this hub!! My husband and I were just talking about the same thing. Those stick figure families annoy the crap out of me to no end and we recently saw one that actually had all their names across the bottom including toto the dog and socks the cat. WTF?!?

      @MH - I cannot stand seeing those either they ruin my whole day!

      Awesome hub as always!

    • MotherHubber profile image

      MotherHubber 7 years ago from Southern California

      Scott, you know I love you. However, you left out a VERY, VERY important sticker genre: the "In Memorium" stickers!

      I have often thought of writing a hub about these myself. They are so frickin depressing, it makes me want to drive my car off the road!!! "R.I.P, Big Papi, 1952-2008. We love and miss you!" Jesus, H. I hate those. Please, please edit your hub to include a section about this!!!

    • mythbuster profile image

      mythbuster 7 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

      Wow, bumper stickers sure get you started, somelikeitscott! I don't like most of them either, especially the pic + acronym are people behind you supposed to DRIVE properly if they see "puzzle" acronyms and pics right in their most obvious centre of vision??? It's not just modern-day cell phone use that causes auto accidents, it's the "I (Picture of a heart)...various acro" junk all over so many cars on the road, too!