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The Model Line-up Of The New Merged GM & Chrysler: Part II - Cadillac

Updated on October 13, 2008

2009 Cadillac CTS $35,905

As the only even remotely affordable Cadillac, it would seem that its life should be spared, but the market realities make that impossible. The vomit-inducing styling that looks like an elephant sat on an Escalade's front end sure assists in making the determination for its elimination.

KILL

2009 Cadillac DTS $45,400

Lost amidst the sea of angular, sharp-edged, huge-grilled, triangular-headlighted aberrations, the DTS is the last of the luxoboat Cadillac cars, but unfortunately it harkens back to an age which is long gone and never to return. Sorry, DTS... as the last genetic descendant of the great Sedan De Villes of the past, it really saddens me to see you go! However, the market direction of the "new Cadillac" has not just alienated, but outright disgusted Caddy's traditional buyers for the De Ville lines such as the DTS, so there is really no market left for this car!

KILL

2009 Cadillac Escalade $60,985

Thank you, hip hop culture. You've brainwashed our youth into the criminal illusion that success is found by shooting cops, dealing drugs, accumulating bling, and calling women hos. You've also foisted this four wheeled fat fatuity onto the wish list of every wannabe pimp in the nation. I'm completely overjoyed in flicking the flush lever on this mutant.

KILL

2009 Cadillac Escalade ESV $63,565

This is the Escalade for those lunatics who need something bigger. Why not just buy a Greyhound bus and be done with it? It gets about the same MPG and you have even more room! This blatant behemoth bling barge deserves to lie at the bottom of the ocean forever more. Adios! Good riddance!

KILL

2009 Cadillac Escalade EXT $59,920

This is the pickup truck for people who don't use pickup trucks. After all, even the most braindead pickup truck buyer can realize that this is nothing more than a Chevy Avalanche with a different grille and a doubled price tag! However, did this repugnant monster ever really appeal to the pickup truck buyer? It is certain that no living Cadillac Escalade EXT owner has ever put anything in the bed. Can you imagine lugging a bunch of boulders or greasy dirt bikes in the back of a $60K +++ luxocruiser? Then why do you need the bed? No... don't answer that.

KILL

2009 Cadillac Escalade Hybrid $71,915

Give your head a shake. Calling this gargantuan bus a hybrid is like calling Chris Farley Michael Phelps. First of all, GM's hybrid system on its SUVs is nothing of the sort, and the extra mile per gallon or two that it can provide is a slap in the face to the American public. Die, Cadillac Escalade Hybrid, die.

KILL

2009 Cadillac SRX $40,060

Why do you need this ugly angular mutha when you have the much more capable and better priced (at least at base) Buick Enclave in the lineup as your luxo crossover. It's much better looking, and actually better equipped, also at base. Goodbye SRX. I won't miss you. I can't remember ever seeing one on the street, so I'm sure that no one else will miss the invisible non-selling SRX either!

KILL

2009 Cadillac STS $45,950

This is supposed to be the descendant of the Seville, but I see it only as the ugliest Seville since the second generation droopback uglymobile. The Cadillac stylists (well... they go by that moniker, although it seems that they couldn't style hair let alone cars) have shown some remarkable (for them) restraint in keeping the front end from the depths of hideousness of most of the rest of the Caddy lineup, so they deserve a clap. With one hand.

KILL

2009 Cadillac STS-V $80,900

Let's charge twice the money and give them not much more than a fine grained grille and an extra letter after the name. The STS-V is a waste of metal. 'Nuf said. Goodbye!

KILL

2009 Cadillac XLR $85,360

At six figures once you add a couple of options, this drop top Caddy is the car that nobody wants and fewer people can afford. With a front end suspiciously similar to the dearly departed Chrysler Crossfire and a convertible silhouette that convinced almost no one to buy it, this car should be the most prominent vehicle on Cadillac's tombstone to illustrate the reason for the marque's demise: Pricy excess for the sake of pricy excess is a concept that no longer exists, and unfortunately, so will the entire Cadillac lineup, and very soon at that.

KILL

2009 Cadillac XLR-V $103,360

Why would anyone buy this car for well over a hundred grand? No reason at all. And that's why almost nobody did. It does nothing that various German models do far better and even for less money. It's even unsuccessful in looking like a Merc! You might as well use a thousand hundred dollar bills to light your fireplace.

KILL

My, oh my, how the mighty have fallen. When my generation was growing up, Cadillac stood for the ultimate in luxury and style. The marque was the absolute pinnacle of domestic automaking. As the years went on, Cadillac ended up standing for absolutely nothing. Their entire car lineup these days seems to be badly thought-out Lexus wannabees handicapped by some of the ugliest angular styling right out of a kindergarten origami class. The only vehicle in the Cadillac lineup that actually sold in any numbers whatsoever was the Escalade as it became the monster SUV of choice in most hip hop videos, thus was coveted by people with more bling than brains. I owned and loved several Cadillacs in the Golden Age, and they were truly magnificent, jaw-dropping, rolling living rooms. That is why I have looked on in complete dismay in the last few years as Cadillac ended up parodying its own image and now became nothing more than a shell of what it once was. The greatest car anyone could own when I was growing up was a Cadillac, and it really hurts to see the name be synonymous with stupid joke vehicles. With a very heavy heart, I have to state that it is now time to retire the grand old brand. Sorry, Caddy. I'll miss you. I really will!

Continued in Part III

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