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The Model Line-up Of The New Merged GM & Chrysler: Part IV - Chevrolet Trucks

Updated on October 13, 2008

2009 Chevrolet Avalanche $34,960

When the original Mad Max Avalanche with its unspeakably ugly, bulging, spiky rubber undergarments dug a huge crater in GM's sales figures, the company scrambled and quickly removed all of the matte black S&M gear. What they were left over with was a bland gas guzzling pig that even fewer buyers were interested in.


2009 Chevrolet Colorado $16,705

Once upon a time Chevrolet made some really nice little pickup trucks, called the S series. They were fairly economical, somewhat reliable for a GM product, and sold very well. However, when the GM headquarters' air conditioning ducts were flooded with crazygas sometime in the mid '90s, all rationality departed Detroit and the S was killed off in the rush to make bigger and bigger trucks that were in all reality 18 wheelers minus 14 wheels. The Colorado is way too big for a small pickup truck and is just about as large as a GM fullsize pickup was in the '60s. However, we have to keep it, as there isn't anything even smaller in the current joint automaker's lineup, as long as we can make the proviso that this truck should be resized as soon as humanly possible to the size of a 1990-or-so Nissan King Cab, or better yet, a 1980's Dodge D-50!


2009 Chevrolet Equinox $24,315

Although a touch overpriced, and a touch overlarge, at least it shows that GM is going in the right direction with its smallish SUV borderline crossover Equinox. It would be great if the new merged automaker could shrink this vehicle a bit, at least enough so that it could use a mid two litre four cylinder. Then it would have a clear winner on its hands.


2009 Chevrolet Express $28,475

It's a big van for people who need big vans. It comes in various sizes and capacities, and all of them are extremely wasteful. As much as I keep hearing the melodies of Sammy Johns "We made love in my Chevy Van and that's alright with me," all that belongs in the '70s, so goodbye, Chevy Van. You've been replaced by the far more capable, spacious, economical and practical, Mercedes designed Dodge Sprinter.


2009 Chevrolet Express Cargo $24,365

All of the above applies in spades to the cargo version. There really is no choice but to go with the Sprinter. It's the perfect large van for small business owners everywhere.


2009 Chevrolet Silverado 1500 $18,575

I can keep this short and sweet. Why would anyone pass up a Ram 1500 on the way to the Silverado 1500? I know that there are many North Americans who have been brought up on the knee-jerk reactionary belief that Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Fords (or Dodges) but take one look at this misshapen, ungainly, huge truck and tell me that the Ram shouldn't be your first and only choice?


2009 Chevrolet Silverado 2500HD $25,445

Just take the above paragraph and substitute 2500 for 1500. Not much more to say here...


2009 Chevrolet Silverado 3500HD $25,665

Just take the above paragraph and substitute 3500 for 2500. Are you starting to see a pattern?


2009 Chevrolet Suburban $39,870

At least, the 2009 Cadillac Escalade ESV gives you oodles of street bling cred for your money. This $40 grand +++ seagoing yacht is just a lowly Chevy and has no reason to take up a carbon footprint the size of some entire Third World nations. How can GM produce this vehicle with a straight face? Don't they know it's the 2009 model year? Although it may be hard to believe, this vehicle is even larger and more wasteful than anything that carries the 2009 Hummer brand!


2009 Chevrolet Tahoe $36,465

While it's nowhere near the monster that the Suburban is, this is still an extremely excessive vehicle. To the people who are accustomed to using these behemoths to cart people around, I can point to dozens of European and Asian people carriers which have the same seating capacity and are far more economical, practical and inexpensive!


2009 Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid $50,455

I really don't know how GM can even call this a Hybrid. The mildest Hybridization among any car manufacturer shows its face under the 2009 Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid hood, and it's definitely not pretty. GM is walking the line dangerously close to a charge of misleading advertising. Call it a Mildbrid instead!


2009 Chevrolet TrailBlazer $29,155

This vehicle exemplifies the ridiculous penchant for US automakers to fill market niches that really don't exist while cannibalizing their own sales. There is really no actual and logical reason for the 2009 Chevrolet TrailBlazer to exist in a model lineup which has the far more practical, affordable and economical Equinox. Sitting between the smaller Equinox and the larger Tahoe, this model just begs to be eliminated.


2009 Chevrolet Traverse $28,255

The subject of so much advertising and media hype, including making it the vehicle of choice along with the unobtainium 2009 Camaro in Christopher Slater's NBC series My Own Worst Enemy (produced by that shining intellectual virtuoso of our age, the multi-talented, awesome, magnificent, eloquent, and irritatingly omnipresent Ryan Seacrest !?!), the Traverse is a completely useless overgrown Malibu. As in the case of the 2009 Chevrolet TrailBlazer, any customers who actually need or want this type of vehicle would be very happy saving a lot of money not only at the dealership but at the gas pumps as well and buy an Equinox.


By chopping down its unwieldy, prolific and highly duplicative model line down to Aveo, Colorado, Corvette, Equinox, Malibu, and Malibu Hybrid, the Chevrolet division of General Motors / Chrysler Corporation can finally concentrate on fixing the blatant problems in some of these vehicles (the Colorado and Corvette need to be shrunk, and the Aveo needs to be completely replaced). A truly effective Hybrid powerplant along the lines of next year's Honda Insight Hybrid would work wonders in a totally new, repackaged, and un-Daewoo'd Aveo. Chevrolet is as American as motherhood and apple pie, thus it is a brand that must never die, but it needs to go on a drastic diet to shed all of the ugly and unwanted excesses that currently weigh down its model line.

Continued in Part V


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