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The Model Line-up Of The New Merged GM & Chrysler: Part VI - Hummer

Updated on October 13, 2008

2009 Hummer H2 $62,815

How can anyone in their right mind rationalize $62,815… actually, closer to $80,000 when you option it out from the dealership order form and even before you take it to the obligatory stop at the customizing shop where you're going to blow an extra six grand on wheels and an equal amount on a sound system. In a world where that kind of money can easily buy you three or even four Rust Belt houses in foreclosure, does it make any sense to keep producing such a wasteful tank as the H2 which legitimately appeals only to rap stars who have just signed huge record deals? Absolutely not. Thus it must die. And with a great deal of pleasure!

KILL

2009 Hummer H2 SUT $61,310

Can anyone explain to me why the pickup truck version of the H3 is called the H3T, but this is not the H2T but the H2 SUT? What does SUT stand for? Super Ugly Truck? This hideous "thing" belongs in the scrapheap even more than the H2 version!

KILL

2009 Hummer H3 $33,390

I'm sure that by now you think that I'm going to trash the H3 as well and toss it into the junkpile. Well, you'd be wrong. The H3 is an extremely capable large off road vehicle which is completely wasted with the more braindead middle aged Hummer customers who try to make up for the embarrassing shortcomings in their skivvies by blinging out H3s in vain attempts to pick up high school cheerleaders. As a pure off roader, it definitely deserves to live but… wait for it… not as a Hummer (a name which has been pilloried more than George W. Bush's) but… as a Jeep!

KEEP

2009 Hummer H3T $30,750

This is the only SUV in the current GM lineup that I would even remotely consider driving around in. As in the case of its H3 stablemate, it needs to become a Jeep, and the executives at the new General Motors / Chrysler Corporation should seriously consider producing a "Club Cab" type version with two doors and a much longer bed. This vehicle would fill a gaping hole in the Jeep lineup and if produced in this manner could be an extremely successful vehicle. And if they went ahead and produced an H4 shrunk down to size with a two and a half litre diesel four cylinder powerplant, then both SUV and pickup versions could easily become the biggest selling Jeeps of the next model year.

KEEP

It's all Arnie Schwartzenegger's fault! Well before he was the Governator, Big Arnie took a ride in an AM General Army HumVee and declared that he wanted one kitted out for street use for his own personal enjoyment. The thousands of photos splattered on the covers of darn near every magazine and newspaper in the country of Arnie driving this strictly-Military-use vehicle on the streets of Los Angeles convinced some deranged marketing individual that there were more Arnie-clones out there with far more money than brain cells who would also want to drive around in a vehicle that was wider than an 18 wheeler's cab and could climb the walls of skyscrapers. Thus the thankfully gone and completely unlamented Hummer H1 arrived on the streets of the world, and this planet has never been the same since. GM's purchase of AM General (which was actually a leftover of the prehistoric American Motors) saw at least a tiny approach to rationality by introducing the H2 as a somewhat more reasonable alternative to the H1 juggernaut. Still utterly wasteful and absurd, but at least not to the extreme excesses of its larger brother, the H2 was successful in the SUV crazy car buyer mentality of a few years ago. When the H3, which is the only even remotely rational vehicle to ever carry the Hummer brand, was introduced, many Hummer enthusiasts moaned as according to them this "tiny" Hummer was too far removed from the Terminator's personal ride to carry the emblem. Now that the world has changed and an entirely different set of priorities have taken effect in the auto industry, only the "tiny" H3 must continue. The rest of the lineup, along with the brand name which is now synonymous with conspicuous consumption for the sake of conspicuous consumption, has to be erased from the annals of automotive history.

Continued in Part VII

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