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The Truth About Car Air Fresheners

Updated on December 4, 2009


My car smells like someone killed a Cherry Slurpee in it. Whenever I get my car washed I’m always so good about remembering to tell them not to put any scent in the vehicle. I don’t want it to smell like imitation “new car” and I don’t want it to smell like a pine tree. True, I don’t want it to smell badly but as I keep my car clean as a whistle inside there’s really no chance of that happening. That was until I let the guy who comes to the office buildings to wash people’s cars get a hold of my vehicle. The truth about car air fresheners – Don’t Get Me Started!

The truth is that there is no good air freshener for your car, shut up, no there is not. And now that I’ve been asphyxiated by something that smells like a rotten cherry apple in a dumpster behind the carnival motor home it was made in (don’t ask me how I know) all I can do is ride around (in cold weather) with the sunroof and windows open hoping for the dissipation of the ungodly smell.

Smells are really so personal aren’t they? I remember when the pheromone scents came out. They were supposed to work with your natural chemistry to create a one of a kind smell and send it out to attack the opposite sex like Pepe Le Pew stalking the seven hundredth black female cat who accidentally had a white stripe painted down her, making him think she was skunk. But don’t we all know we all smell different without the cologne? I mean, if you blindfolded me I could smell my guy out of a crowd of other guys and I doubt that it’s just that my sense of smell is as good as Barbara Streisand’s is supposed to be in the movie The Main Event (love the song, love the movie, know I shouldn’t and don’t really care). My point is that on the whole the way someone or something smells is really personal to me so when absolutely everyone with hairy arm pits (men and women) were wearing patchouli or going through their vanilla stage, smelling like a batch of uncooked toll house cookies, my eyes were constantly rolling. I try to always wear a scent that not a lot of people are wearing and one that just has a nice clean smell but there are still people who douse themselves with too much Polo or Drakkar who should just be shot.

I’ve tried the Yankee Candle car fresheners and almost puked. Frankly I’m amazed to see all the different products you can get for smelling up your car. It’s such a small confined space that it seems as though no matter what you put in it would be overkill. Can someone explain to me the fresheners that clip on your vents or have little fans on them? Is this an industry where people are sitting in the lab trying to figure out just how much “ocean mist” to put in and how many blades the mini fan needs to have on it to smell your car up just the right amount to cover up the smell of your farts but not so much that as you drive down the street you have cartoon green smelly lines emanating from it? And if your car really smells that bad, might I suggest you remove the old fast food bags from under the seats or get rid of whatever it is that is smelling it up so badly as a start? I don’t care what anyone says or how they name it (and who comes up with these name? Linen Fresh, Punkin Pie, Midnight At The Oasis, etc.) they’re all crap and that’s the truth about car air fresheners – Don’t Get Me Started!

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