Things I've Learned As a School Crossing Guard
What Part of S.T.O.P. Don't You Understand?
Good morning, Fill-In-Your-City drivers:
My name is Bob Hunter and I'm one of your many friendly school crossing guards here in the great city of Fill-In-Your-City. As the new school season begins I'd like to thank you for the many lessons I've learned this past year from the drivers in my area while performing my duties in safely guiding your children across the street. They include, but are not limited to:
1. It's okay to run a red light when children are in the crosswalk.
2. When a sign says not to turn right on a red light when children are present, that's only a suggestion.
3. It's okay for a cell-phone talking parent to cross on a red light while 10 children on the other side are waiting to cross on a legal green light. It sets a good example.
4. It's okay to cut off the crossing guard with your car while he is crossing children. Getting to work on time far outweighs the risk of killing myself or a child.
5. It's okay to get mad at the crossing guard if he is so inconsiderate as to stop you from making your turn while a child crosses the street.
6. When coming to a stop light it's okay to stop your car right in the middle of the crosswalk.
7. When running a red light, look straight ahead and pretend you didn't nearly run the crossing guard down.
8. If, while talking on your cell phone, you nearly hit a crossing guard and he yells at you, it's a good idea to continue talking on the phone instead of concentrating on your driving.
As the school year progresses I and my fellow crossing guards hope to learn more good driving habits from many of the fine drivers of Fill-In-Your-City. Keep up the good work and don't worry about the possible deadly consequences to the children crossing the street.