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Top 100 Ugliest Motorcycles - 10 Naked Bikes

Updated on March 20, 2011

1) Suzuki B-King - Every time I see a Burger King commercial, I half expect the King to straddle this bike and roar off into the sunset. Unfortunately this bike is not being ridden off and out of my sight, as it is the most repulsive conglomeration of witless hideousness since Pandora. Everything south of the mirrors is a slapped together, ill-fitting, incongrous muddle which looks like someone ran a horseshoe magnet over the hard drive holding the Suzuki CAD files. Is that a headlight, or is that a Battlestar Galactica Space Helmet? And what are those wingscoops on the side of the tank? And what is that huge metal cylinder stuck up its butt? All I know is that it's B for Butt-Ugly!

2) Triumph Rocket III - I think it's quite telling that within a year of premiering this horrific hodgepodge of visual violation, the folks at Triumph were forced to issue a somewhat more conventionally styled Triumph Rocket III Touring which covered over at least some of the original's staggering faux pas, such as the triple lumped chrome tumor displacing the left hand side of the fuel tank. As a tourer, the Rocket III seems to work a tiny bit better from the aesthetic standpoint, but it is still complete lunacy to straddle 2.3 litres on two wheels when that much displacement would power three Smart Car engines. The best thing that Triumph could do with its original Rocket III is to just bite the bullet, acknowledge that it was too ugly to live, and take it out of its misery. With another bullet.

3) Ducati Monster - Alright, so they acknowledge that it's a monster, but I think that they were referring to monstrous power rather than monstrous looks. This girder bridge with a squished in headlight and aerodynamic Mickey Mouse ear mirrors is one of the most repulsive motley mishmashes ever wrapped around the venerable V-twin Ducati powerplant. This is one monster that's way too frightening to contemplate.

4) QLink Legacy - This Asian P.O.S. is wrong in so many ways that it would overflow Hubpages' servers just to list them all. I honestly don't know what that whacked out shroud thing is over the engine bay, but I can assure you that it's there so that you won't see the weenie excuse for a mini engine that hides inside. Ugly may usually only be skin deep, but in the Legacy, it runs right down to the bone!

5) Yamaha MT-01 - Please tell me that there really is a V-twin under this assemblage of tractor parts! Looking like it just went through a John Deere warehouse with a magnet, the MT-01 has the record for the thinnest and most ridiculous fuel tank in creation. Is that a pull-out drawer in the top frame member, and is that the oil pan from a 1944 KV95 Soviet Tank in the front leading edge of the crankcase? Of all the Japanese manufacturers, Yamaha seems to be the one that has lost the plot far more than the others, and the MT-01 shows that in spades.

6) Bimota Delirio - Delirio is Italian for Delirious and that's exactly what the stylists were when they designed this snarled and tangled medley of junk. Taking the red girder look from the Ducati Monster gallery to absurd extremes, even red-girdering the footpegs and swingarm, Bimota has shown that they are fighting hard for the privilege of megaugliness. I don't know what that headlight cowl is and it kind of looks like there might be an old lantern in there, but the entire design of this motorcycle leaves me wondering just what the heck they're snorting at Bimota.

7) Aprilia Shiver - Yes, it does send shivers down your spine, much in the same way as watching all the Saw movies back to back. This Naked or Sportsbike or Supermotard or whatever the hell it is certainly redefines the outer limits of ugly, with its massively chaotic incoherent curves and angles, the thick frame tubes that break down into triangulated girders, and a headlight that looks like it belongs in an entomology collection. Is that the compound eye from an Eupalaestrus campestratus tarantula?

8) BMW D1200R - Why does the front fork have a yellow housing that looks like a yellow leg and foot? Why does it look like the front area around the headlight and instruments was epoxied together and it slipped while drying? Why does the horizontal frame member look like it was heated and bent? Why do some of the angles remind me of the Yamaha Raider, a bike so ugly that it can traumatize small children and puppies? And why did a famous and respected marque like BMW produce such crap?

9) MV Agusta Brutale - This Brutal Behemoth doesn't even have the ugloriginality to come up with its own massive ugliness, but it actually steals the red girder setup from the Duck Monster! However, MV does put in some touches of its own, like a flaccid headlight housing and a black bottom tank shroud that doesn't match any other curve on the bike. Since MV Agusta is now a stablemate of Buell in the Hawgly family, we can look forward to pushing the envelope of terminally ugly even more in the future!

10) Aprilia 6.5 - The original concept wasn't bad. Since motorcycles have to have round wheels, why not style the rest of the bike in complimentary curves? Unfortunately the execution could suck start a Caterpillar D9. All the curves are wrong, the fuel tank resembles a morbidly obese man suntanning on his back, and to add insult to injury the whole bike is painted industrial greasy gray except for the front half vertical of the tank? This isn't just bizarre, it's positively cracked!

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    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      I've raced MV, I'm Canadian, and I'm sorry you have a crappy site. Hire me at $250 an hour and I'll fix it for you. :)

    • profile image

      Crappysite 

      8 years ago

      You have to be blind to list a MV Agusta. Or you're American.

    • profile image

      Death Grip 

      8 years ago

      Heh, I have two of these bikes. I will say, I love the handling and quality of my Delirio.

    • profile image

      Joe 

      8 years ago

      I'm glad people realize this is just an opinions page. The B-king fit and finish (styling aside) is close to the best available. Look at the seam lines, does it rattle when you hit a bump ? ill-fitting would imply bad fit and finish. I agree the exhaust is a bit cartooney but people customize their bikes all the time to get the look you want. B-king engineering is top not though.

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Thanks! :)

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Ten reasons why I should be far more judicious on the comments I approve. But in your case, I just wanted to show my readership just how PROFOUNDLY IDIOTIC, MORONIC AND BRAINDEAD a significant number of my commenters are...

    • profile image

      Dustin Stout 

      9 years ago

      10 reasons Hal Licino is a Hee Hawing donkey (see above)

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      You're welcome!

    • metaphysician profile image

      metaphysician 

      9 years ago

      I couldn't observe any ulgliness (except some part) on those bikes. Perhaps I'm not a pro and don't see them from a pro-eye.

      Thanks for your list anyway.

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Dennis... tsk tsk... such language! This is a family friendly site, so take a few Valium and come back when you chill out! :)

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Yup! :)

    • profile image

      Thae Man 

      9 years ago

      Not sure about your taste in naked bikes, but the rest of your catagories I would agree with. This one, I'm not so sure about...Subjective opinion I suppose.

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Entering a comment that amply demonstrates your ignorance. Epic Phail. :)

    • profile image

      Danilo 

      9 years ago

      Creating a list of 10 ugliest naked bikes. Fail :D

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      thejimster, you are most definitely entitled to your opinion. What you fail to grasp is the very famous dictum: What Hal Likes Is Good Taste, What Hal Doesn't Like Is Bad Taste. :)

    • thejimster profile image

      thejimster 

      9 years ago

      I like them all *lol

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Geez... and all this time I've thought that I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed! :)

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 

      9 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      The amusing is working Hal, I really enjoyed this one. Your eye is as sharp as your wit.

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      andrewb, I try to amuse! Thanks! I appreciate the kind words! :)

    • profile image

      andrewb 

      9 years ago

      The comment about the yellow front fork cover on the beemer looking like a leg and foot actually made me spit coke all over my desk--hilarious. Hal, you're a frickin genius.

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Wonderfully ugly maybe? :)

    • britneydavidson profile image

      britneydavidson 

      9 years ago from united kingdom

      thanx for such a nice hub...i really loved it....i am so crazy about bikes...these are really wonderful....thanx

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Gorgeous? Do you have pinups of Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller on your locker door? :)

    • profile image

      RMc 

      9 years ago

      Wow, those are all gorgeous bikes! I'd be curious to what your top 10 list would be. Beauty is purely subjective so everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinon but I can't disagree more!

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