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The Boy Racers of Ireland

Updated on October 15, 2011

The Boy-Racer.

One of the scourges to hit the UK and Ireland in recent years is that of the 'Boy-Racer'. A Boy-Racer is a particularly low form of life that has a very small brain and is therefore incapable of rational thought. The Boy-Racer could be considered to have an intellectual capacity just one notch above an amoeba.

The Boy-Racer (known in the USA as a rice-burner so I'm told) is typically a 17-25 year old male. There are some females similarly affected but they are far fewer in number. These tragic people are under the illusion that they can purchase an old banger of a car, do a few cosmetic modifications and turn it into a veritable babe-magnet.

The afflicted are often found driving aimlessly around town in a rust-bucket that has been resprayed to make it look like a high performance car. Red and yellow are often the favoured colours. These cars can be identified by the 'go-faster' stripes that are added to the side panels, a rear spoiler, blacked-out windows and an exhaust pipe large enough to shoot cannon balls from. The point of all these extras is a futile attempt to give humans the impression that they are driving a desirable high performance vehicle.

To add further gravitas to their illusion, they adopt a particular set of behavioural rules. It is compulsory for the Boy-Racer to have a sound system installed that often has more power than the car itself. Monotonous beats can be heard from two miles away, emanating from the always open windows on which the elbow is casually draped. Whilst there is a risk that the sound system could inadvertently produce 'Brown-noise' for the occupants, it does serve as a useful warning to humans that one of these creatures is approaching.

The Boy-Racer itself is usually a very underweight, scrawny youth who is somewhat vertically challenged. Lack of height is not helped by the fact that the driver's seat is usually set low and reclined. This gives the impression of driving behind a driverless car save only for the glimpse of a spotty neck visible under the head restraint. It is unusual to find a single occupant of one of these vehicles, instead they tend to drive around in packs. They usually sport an inane grin and cover their skin head skulls with a baseball cap in order to make their skulls look capable of containing a brain.

Boy-Racers are sometimes rather illusive due to the fact that most of them are incapable of work and therefore have very little money to buy petrol for their machines. They can often be found 'hanging and chilling' in supermarket car parks. Often the only sign that have been on the road at all are the tell-tale black tyre marks left on the road as they spin the car in ever decreasing circles; a manoeuvre they call 'doing doughnuts'.

There appears to be no cure for these unfortunately deluded creatures, although most do grow out of it by the age of 26 providing they are not in prison or dead. Raising awareness and education seem to have little effect on their behaviour, so traps are the only way to control them. The police are quite effective at setting these traps. As the cars are not actually capable of speeding, they have to rely on spot vehicle checks to catch them. This usually takes them out of circulation for a short time.

Next time you spot one of these creations, stop and examine it closely. Wonder at the ability of these creatures to survive. They will of course be under the impression that you are admiring their car but humans know the truth!

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