10 Jobs I Would Never Want No Matter How Much They Paid Me
Ok, I get it. It is a tough economy right now and a job is a job. Who am I to complain about having work? I'm totally on board with that and let me get one thing straight; I have the utmost respect for (most) of the people who do these jobs, if for no other reason than I know I couldn't handle their job and I would probably lose my mind. This list is compiled to be a little bit funny, but also as a healthy dose of medicine to remind you that your job might not be all that bad.
10. Door to Door Salesman
When we first moved into our house we wondered why all of our neighbors (and I mean every single one of them) had 'no solicitors' signs on their houses. Then I realized it was because our neighborhood has a solicitor infestation. The only reason we haven't put up one of those signs is because I'm sure my neighbors have a pool as to how long we will last before we shoot one and ask them to help hide the body. I'd like to help them cover the spread. Anyway, these door to door salesmen/women are lurking around every corner. I see at least 4-5 a week and who knows how many more knock on my door and are eaten by my dog when I'm at work. Every one has the same take on their sales pitch. Don't they have meetings where they can decide who is going to use each tactic every day? I literally had back-to-back solicitors say this to me, "This is Ricky (pointing at a sopping wet pathetic looking teenager) and I'm training him today, he needs one more sale to meet his quota for the day. Can I shampoo your rug?"
9. Telephone Solicitor
Is there anyone in the world more loathed than a telephone solicitor? I just don't think I could handle the rage I inspired in nearly every person I called. I can't believe that the big wigs in charge of these companies haven't changed their tactics in millennia. They only call when they know you'll be at home, which is around dinner time when I am hungry and at my absolute grumpiest. They can't be surprised when instead of signing up for their time-share I unleash a tirade of profanities that would make a pirate blush, can they?
8. Department of Motor Vehicles
I recently had to get my license renewed. I was prepared for the wait with a book, sudoku puzzles, a crossword, and an ipod shuffle from 2002 that could maybe get me through the last 24 minutes if I was desperate. I didn't need any of it as it was a two-and-a-half hour trip of utter amazement for me. The people who work at the DMV are incredible! I watched as the woman at the front desk had this conversation over and over for 2 hours without a break:
"How can I help you?"
"I need a license."
"Do you have your documentation?"
"You can't get a license without ______ . " (social security number, expired license, I actually heard her say 'citizenship' once as well)
"But I'm in a hurry."
"You'll have to come back."
"But I need it right now."
"You'll have to come back."
At this point the person pitches a huge fit, screams profanities and storms out. And this happened over and over and over again. In multiple languages. If our military ever needs a crack team of secret operatives who they can be assured won't break under torture, they need not look further than the DMV.
7. The Post Office
Any time a guy loses his mind and does terrible things to his coworkers they call that 'going postal'. Do you think they call it that because working at the post office is such an easy, relaxing job? No, they don't. Have you ever been in line at the post office behind the lady shipping all 27 of her grandchildren their Christmas presents but she can't remember which box goes to which kid and what their addresses are? Try it sometime, you'll be thankful for the crabby customers you have to deal with. I don't know anyone who works at the Post Office (probably because they go home and bar their doors at night), but if I did I bet they would have some awesome stories.
"Ma'am, you can't ship nuclear waste."
"Not even internationally?"
"But it's leaving the country."
"I appreciate your courtesy there, but you can't ship it."
"Ok, well I'm just going to leave this here then until I figure out what to do with it."
6. Customer Service at Wal-Mart.
If you haven't been in a Wal-Mart recently to see the broken souls that work this counter you probably should just to remind you to be thankful for all your blessings. They line up the cartloads of returns in front of their counter like cartloads of their dignity heading out the door. Have you ever seen anyone so in need of a hug? You know that guy that kind of looks like santa claus that is always asking for your money for poor kids in Africa on TV at 3 in the morning? I keep expecting to see him in his next commercial walking down the ruins of a Wal-Mart Customer Service section pleading for help for those employees. I plan on walking my kids, when I have them, in there once a week to remind them that there are worse things than having to clean up their rooms and do the dishes.
5. The Guy Who Has To Dress Up As The Serta Mattress Sheep
There is one of these guys that bounces and waves on the busy corner by my house. He's out there almost every weekend, blistering heat or pouring rain. Waving at people from inside a huge sheep costume with number on it. Do you think that number signifies his rank among the sheep-costume-wearing-mattress-promoting fraternity? If so then my guy is number 3. Someone get me a video of number 1 'cause I'd like to see how he ups his game. How many sales do you think are driven by his performance? It is one thing if, at the end of the day, you can look at yourself know that your Tony-worthy performance of the mattress dance of seduction lured enough sleepless customers into your front doors. But I find it hard to believe that people driving along a busy thruway on a Sunday afternoon have this conversation: "So Ethel, that's when I realized that a kidney was an inappropriate 'donation' for the church rummage sale do you see that guy over there? Is he dressed like a sheep? OH MY GOD THOSE MATTRESSES ARE ON SALE!"
Runner up: The guy who has to dress up as 'Susie' the pancake for IHOP.
4. A Carnie
If I asked you to paint a picture of the kind of person you would gladly put your child's life in the hands of, you would probably come up with someone who looked like a Sunday School teacher or a doctor. And yet every year you entrust your child's safety to a Carnie who looks like he got kicked out of a motorcycle gang for looking too mean. Then you allow them to strap your kid to a giant metal machine that creaks like your grandma's rocking chair and launch them through the air until they're sick. How, exactly, does the interview for that job go?
"Do you hate kids?"
"Are you willing to look meaner, get a few more tattoos on your face, and not shower for a while?"
"You're hired, welcome to the team!"
3. A Stripper
This one is in here because I'm overweight and very self conscious about my body and I couldn't handle the ridicule I would receive as a stripper. I would probably be the first stripper in history to lose money because I would have to reimburse people for having to watch me. Try not to visualize it.
2. The Kid Who Has To Clean Up The Theater Floor At The Movies
If you think about all the ways you could make a simple job harder, this kid faces those tremendous odds. If you want to make a soda spill more difficult to clean up, shutting off the lights, slanting the floor, taking a normal serving size and multiplying it by 100, and putting rows upon rows of seats in the way is probably the best way possible. You might as well add a few ninjas hurtling throwing stars at his head into the equation just to make it interesting. If you drop a can of soda at home you can clean it up with a dish towel. If you knock over a 256 oz (the medium) soda in the back row of a theater that is a spill comparable to the BP debacle. Speaking of which, why didn't we get theater workers into the gulf sooner?
1. TSA Employee (groper)
You just can't win with this job. I don't know of any job where the stakes are so high if you don't properly perform your duty, but the simple fact that everyone knows you are doing your job means that you probably aren't necessary. I mean, what terrorist will try to attack an airplane now knowing that a full body scan, grope, and cavity search is required just to get on the plane? So right off the bat the odds of you finding anything are pretty slim, but we've got a whole group of grandma's going to Florida for vacation that we need you to humiliate anyway. Just to be sure.