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11 Vintage Food Ads Featuring Creepy Soulless Children
Creepy soulless children were all the rage in the mid-1900s. Think Shirley Temple, but minus the curly hair and sick moves. They had the ability to turn classic bed and breakfast fare into a demonic meal and a pleasant bath into a quest for souls.
These freaky vintage food ads are a who’s who of evil youngsters, and unless you prowl your mother’s attic on a on a regular basis, you would never have known about them. But now you do, and now you’ll never forget.
Before the Trix rabbit made his first appearance in 1959, the fruity cereal was pushed by young demonic children with thick-eyebrowed mothers. Also at that time, Trix was more than 46% sugar, which might explain the lack of soul and the dead, malnourished eyes. The cute bows don’t fool us, little ones.
This kid seems particularly excited about tonight’s ham, but what she really wants to do is crawl to the farm in the dead of night and gnaw on a live pig. And what the heck is beside the ham? Raw chicken breasts and genetically modified peas? Yummy.
If you look closely, you’ll notice that the child's eyes are fixated not on the toast, but on her mother’s deliciously fleshy hand. Even the futuristic cellophane-wrapped bread can’t distract her from her daily cannibalistic thoughts.
Flesh n' Beans
Face warm from the glow of a roaring Boy Scout campfire, little Timmy enjoys a delicious can of pork, beans and Scoutmaster Lou. Six grams of protein, sixty-four grams of evil.
Pretty sure the caption should have read “It’s easy to die with Diamond dyes,” but whatever. Death is inferred by the vat of blood and the child’s abnormally small feet. The only thing saving this ad is that the kid is holding the cat by its scruff, not its tail. That means she’s only 98% evil, although her horrified mother probably thinks otherwise.
By feeding their hideous child nothing but spaghetti from a can and stale breadsticks, Teddy’s parents hope to save up enough for a dream vacation to the headwaters of Mississippi. And if they have any cash left, they plan to buy braces for Teddy’s younger sister, Bonnie-Rae.
Gun Totin' Christmas
Remember that time you really really really wanted a bicycle for Christmas but all you got was a stupid rifle? One that was too big but your mom said you’d “grow into it?” And then she forced you into a too-small Mountie outfit and made you pose with a man who wasn’t your father? Worst. Christmas. Ever.
Baby's First Shave
Before you get all “this is dangerous wtf ” and stuff, it’s not like this ad is selling straight razors. It’s for Gillette’s safety razors, which are apparently the same thing as a soother, but more useful. And look at him. He’s loving it. Not a drop of blood in sight.
After breaking free from his chicken wire cage, Li’l Gingey put on a fresh turtleneck and went on a 15-day bender involving everything from wine to ginger ale to the blood of his neighbour’s dachshund. His parents still hate him.
Baby of Death
What’s that old saying? Don’t throw your baby out with the bathwater? Whatever that means, it looks like someone’s parents did it anyway. And what’s this ad got to do with soap? Did the kid eat it and develop a hunger for internal organs? In three minutes he’s going to crawl through your computer screen, like in the Ring. But with computers. And soap.
This ad so wouldn’t fly in the 21st century. If you’re going to stuff babies in a welcome basket, at least give them air holes. Or get better looking babies.