12 Easy Ways to Make Annoying Salesmen Quickly Leave Your Home
The Origin of
sales and salesmen (and later saleswomen. Later on, sales persons) began I think, in a smoky office on the top floor of (pardon me, Wily Coyote) ACME Shoe Soles, Inc., in downtown New York City. Inside this smoky office we see the head of the company one "Will B. Dunn" trying to motivate his weary salesmen who then just walked up and down the busy sidewalks of New York peddling shoe soles guaranteed to last five years.
Not many of "Dunn's" salesmen were happy or successful and it will take the cosmic genius of this one "Will B. Dunn," a prosperous cattle farmer in Texas now increasing his fortune in the hectic, chaotic world of one-on-one sales. And I do not mean "soft selling."
I am talking about the bone-jarring, lung clogging (from railroad cars filled with tobacco smoke), cheap diners, cheap women, and lots of cheap booze to ease the pain of being rejected by "Mrs. American Housewife" who did not care to see a demonstration of a pair of shoe soles made from a material that was years ahead of the market. (e.g. plastic shoe soles were not popular and more hazardous to the owner).
This was Only the Beginning
of traveling salesmen. Yes, those hard-necked men with $40-dollar suits and thrift store slippers carrying two luggage cases of samples in and out of hotels and railroad cars. Tough? Yes. Lucrative? No. But I do give the traveling salesmen credit for having so many off-color-but-funny stories made up about them spending the night in a farmer's barn with two of his daughters.
Yeah, like that really happened.
Did you stop to realize that the traveling salesmen of days of yore were today's annoying telemarketers who do not speak English that well. Those telemarketers who if as my magic or crystal ball know the exact second that you and your family sit down for dinner and call you letting you in on a secret they learned just an hour ago on Wall Street.
Yeah. And Jimmy Hoffa was made into Jimmy Carter via a master plastic surgeon.
Some of these guys did well, but that ratio is minimal. The rest of these guys just survived. But one thing did evolve out of traveling salesmen and their flashy sales pitching and in-home demonstrations: I just said it. In-home visits with their potential clients.
I can speak from personal experience and you can agree with me by smiling (thank you) that not all salesmen we have allowed into our homes are jovial. Some are moderately and factory-trained friendly men and women, but they simply do nothing but waste our time and fray our nerves even thinner with each of their plastic promises.
But I am here as always to help you, the respectful American citizen who does not want the reputation of being an angry troll who can take the very life out of a human just by looking at them. I admire you for your values and attributes, but you sometimes wish you had . . .these 12 Easy Ways to Make Annoying Salesmen Quickly Leave Your Home? Just read the following tips. Your problem should be care of PDQ.
Stunning Sales Memory:
According to CNN, as a teenager, Mick Jagger, front man of the Rolling Stones worked as an ice cream salesman. After entering the London School of Economics, Jagger also worked as a porter at a mental hospital.
- Always have a satanic costume hanging behind the door (see photo above) and when the doorbell rings and you, being a civil-minded person answer only to see a smiling (from ear-to-ear) salesman with a box full of gadgets that he is going to try to make you buy, just slip into this black and red costume, let him in, tell him to sit down and you sit across from him glaring at him rubbing your hands together. He will soon feel very uneasy about "being" the main course for your dinner and leave.
- Have a soda or beer sitting in a easy-to-reach location beside your chair so that when a salesman barges his way into your apartment or home, you can reach for this beverage, but do not drink it like a person with sound mental health. Miss your mouth with the can or glass spilling the contents on your chin and shirt and begin to chant in a low voice and let your eyes roll around and around. Exit one annoying salesman.
- When an annoying salesperson (to be fair) lies to you about only taking five minutes of your time then stays an hour telling you about a flimsy-produced product that even you without a college degree can spot the flaws of his product, get out a thick scrapbook of your family, baby photos, and a lot of fake photos that are not of you or your family. Do not let him finish his sales pitch. Soon he will be so frustrated and leave.
- Learn to fall asleep in one moment. The salesman does not know what to do. If he wakes you, he is liable for a lawsuit by your family for causing you to have a cardiac arrest, so he tip toes out of your home. Yes!
- If you live next door to a family with three or four toddlers, perfect. When a nerve-grindin salesman makes himself at home, excuse yourself, call the toddlers to come in your back door then bribe them with candy or money to go and jump on the salesman's lap, pinch his face, pull his hair and it will be just seconds before he sees that he is fighting a losing battle.
- Have a plate of noisy food items that make loud crunchy noises as you eat drowning out his sales pitch. He might pause to give you time to finish your plate of Mexican chips, but excuse yourself and head to to the pantry, load up that plate again and cover them with salsa. Return to the living room and start eating and making noise again. Goodbye, salesman.
- When he gets mid-way through his sales pitch, start accusing him of being the man that you caught with your wife in a compromising position just a month ago while you were out of town at a Pastor's Conference in Houston, Texas. Sure, this embarrassed salesman will disagree vehemethly, but you get very angry and start threatening to call the cops and now open the front door because this guy is now history.
- You have a bogus product on hand and try to sell it to this salesman who is not interested in your product at all. Then start filling his ears with "war stories" about your days on the road and the many ways that you were rejected. The salesman will not stay long. I promise.
- After the salesman sits down, ask him if he would like to go out with your single daughter, 22, who moved back home from college due to not having a job. Show him a photo of a gorgeous swimsuit model and before long, he will either leave or ask for her phone number which you have and it is the number to the Crisis Hotline.
- Ask the salesman if you may sit in his lap as he tries to make sale to you. This will work fine for both men and women. But you have to keep a straight face.
- Tell the salesman that you were a college football stand-out years ago and convince him to get down in a goal line stance as he is the defense and you are the offense and practice an "up the gut" running play. Then fall to the floor rhything in pain. Act angry at him for injuring you and you might sue him. Take it from me. He will be gone in seconds flat.
- In a wide-eyed, excited facial expression, tell the boring salesman that you are about to debut as an older American male model and get up and do all of your moves as if the floor is a catwalk. Throw kisses and wink at him. No, he will not bother you ever again.
Now tell me the truth. Doesn't it feel great to be free of annoying salesmen?
Now enjoy your life.
Good night, Hendersonville, Tennessee.
© 2017 Kenneth Avery