13 Things That You Are NOT To Do at High-Level Corporate Meetings

A bit about high-level corporate meetings

If you are now a valued-member of the workforce and just love your job in your office or if you are a seasoned-veteran of this big company, this piece is aimed right at you. And you, the “newbie,” and “seasoned-veteran,” will know instantly what I mean when I say this phrase: “High-Level Corporate Meeting.”

Some workers love these meetings for it means two or three days in a swank motel in Las Vegas or some other fun town where you stay in a comfortable room (at company expense), listen to the company C.E.O. talk in volumes about “Profit Sharing: Not a Game in The Sandbox,” or “Be ‘Mr. Punctual,’ and “Get Things Done.” Then you and your cronies (male and female), can head for the motel bar, have a few drinks, eat a great dinner, (these also at company expense), and do whatever you want for the rest of the night (which I might add is NOT at company expense).

High-level corporate meetings have changed over the years

I will be honest. And speak from experience. I have attended my share of these company events over the 23-years I worked in the business world, and some of these meetings can go on and on saying nothing. Bo-o-o-o-o-ring, says it all. Then “some” high-level corporate meetings can be a bit fun, if you just look for the fun in these company get-togethers where everyone either looks alike or dresses alike or both.

Then there are those employees who are rather talented at their jobs and good people at heart, who just cannot sit still for four hours straight, listening to monotone speeches without moving a muscle. Honestly. I was one of these employees and had to really discipline myself to just keep out of trouble.

To be of further help to employees without self-discipline, I have compiled this handy list of . . .

13 Things For You NOT To Do at High-Level Corporate Meetings

1. Squirm and fidget in your imitation-wood chair because the sound of your butt sliding to and fro against the fake wood sends out an annoying sound comparable to a lady’s long fingernails slowly sliding down a chalkboard. And doing this will cause you to get many angry glares and lips of other employees “mouthing” “When this is over, I am going to take care of you.” And no, this does not mean buying you a hot dinner, a stiff drink and some soothing words of encouragement.
2. Do not make any animal sounds no matter how talented you are. Sure, this got you a lot of laughs when you were in high school, but dude, you are now a part of real life with a wife and child to support. Plus you cannot afford to have a criminal record for this is grounds to get yourself terminated.
3. Before this high-level corporate meeting, DO NOT fill-up on water, soda, or a few discreet rounds of beer. Or didn’t you read the memo on conduct expected of you while this meeting is in progress? Point number three specifically stated: “No restroom breaks will be taken during this meeting. Attendants can use the restroom facilities at morning and afternoon breaks (10 minutes each) or at your lunch period (22 minutes). If you are caught sneaking to the restroom “during” this important meeting, you will be reprimanded and it will go on your employment record.
4. No extra-loud coughing, clearing of the throat, or other physical distractions.
5. No eating during the meetings. This means small snack items: Lifesavers, Tic Tacs, Icebreakers, Frito’s corn chips and other food-based items. We will enforce this due to how disruptive the sound of eating can be in a huge conference room.
6. No whispering to a male friend or female friend. For any reason. If you must chat with a colleague, be sure to chat about the topic BEFORE or AFTER the meeting or be terminated.
7. No laughing under your breath at something a coworker mimicked with his mouth a few rows away from you. This juvenile action shows us that you are not interested in our company.
8. MEN: do not stand and adjust your “privates” during our meeting. You may do this at your break or lunch periods.
9. FEMALES: do not stand and adjust the wrinkles in your skirt or apply fresh make-up. This too is an unwanted distraction.
10. Absolutely NO cell phone usage. In case you have an emergency, one of our pages working our meeting will come by and discretely-escort you to a telephone.
11. Absolutely NO iPad or Iphone usage to watch programming of any nature instead of respecting our facilities and speakers who were invited to speak at our yearly-meeting.
12. You may not wave at or try to get someone’s attention while the meeting is in-session.
13. If you are caught by our security cameras placing your feet on the back of the chair in front of you, we have the right to terminate you.

And finally, it is our hope that you enjoy yourself at The Desert Pearl Motel this weekend and thank you for attending our yearly corporate summit meeting.