20 Things That Never Came from a Lumberjack's Mouth
GIVING LUMBERJACKS SOME NEEDED-HONOR
Among the many who forged and built our great country, we owe a great debt of gratitude to the lumberjacks, a specialized-group of men who were real men, not pansies, freeloaders or someone who got his job by being the “Camp Boss’” nephew.
These men were more-rugged, rough, and daring than any of the Wild West outlaws whom we have glamorized in print, rumor, and film. To mess with a lumberjack on purpose, meant one of two things: One, you were completely loco or two, you had a sudden death wish to leave this world, for lumberjacks did not care about anything but cutting trees, getting paid, and looking out for each other. That’s it.
Not just any man could be a lumberjack. Even if he were six-foot, six-inches tall and all muscle. A lumberjack was rough-hewn inside and out. He feared no one, not beast, and not God. A lumberjack could swing the sharpest axe from the highest tree while chewing the strongest homegrown tobacco from dusk ‘til dawn and still have the energy to drink a fifth of the strongest whiskey and whip a gang of loudmouth’s who said anything disparaging about him or his lumberjack friends.
HARD WORK MADE HARD MEN: THE LUMBERJACKS
Up at daylight, hung-over or not, in the woods by 5 a.m. and already falling trees by six a.m. Lumberjacks did not have idle time to screw around telling jokes and wasting time. To the lumberjack, uneducated as most were, cutting trees meant money in their pockets. Money for gambling drinking, and having cash left for the wife and kids to have food, clothes and shelter.
A lumberjack had a heartful of pride for himself and his work. God help the fool who said or thought otherwise. Lumberjacks were not the “gentle giants,” spoke of in early literature. None of them followed in the folklore pattern of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, Babe. These guys, for the most part, had no compassion to speak of, except maybe a fellow lumberjack falling to his death from a high redwood or suffering a life-threatening injury by getting cut with a cross-cut saw or razor-sharp axe. Then, the only compassion expressed by the burly lumberjack was, “Get over this and get your butt back in the woods.” It was that rough—six and sometimes seven days a week.
NO, A LUMBERJACK'S MOUTH WASN'T A RELIGIOUS HYMN
One last thing about lumberjacks was their speech. Hardly any of these men of the world opened their tobacco-filled mouths without a profanity shooting out at anyone who stood in their way. I can innocently-assume that they even used profanities to show their love for their faithful wives. “Grrr, X!Dxxx,#@#@, ‘Mabelline,’ I xx!x)(*ing love you!” And wives of lumberjacks knew that their husbands were cursing, carousing, brawling, bragging, drinking, untamed men who wielded a saw and an axe when they married them, so there were absolutely no divorces or wives trotting home to mama if they were married to this pioneer icon: The lumberjack.
And since I was talking about the lumberjacks’ speech, I found this undiscovered document I am now presenting entitled . . .
20 Things That Never Came From a Lumberjack’s Mouth
20.) “Hey, Abner! Does this flannel shirt make my butt look big?”
19.) “Ouch, I hurt my pinky! Can you hold me, Jim?”
18.) “Guys, we are all going over to my home for Cherry Tea after work.”
17.) “Don’t talk that way around me. I have a sensitive spirit.”
16.) “Hey, Leonard! Don’t whip that mule! He is an innocent beast!”
15.) “I have some cheese sandwiches, guys. The ones you like with the edges cut off. I am willing to share!”
14.) “Stop talking rough about our boss, Theodis “The Rough Neck” Newcomb.” He is a good soul.”
13.) “Don’t any of you look! I am going to pull off this sweaty shirt.”
12.) “Let’s see who can carve their initials on this tree the fastest.”
11.) “Do I have bad breath? I am going to town after work.”
10.) “Fall, you bully of a tree! I said fall! Please?!”
9.) “I could just cry. Max said my feet were big enough to use as barges!”
8.) “Okay, so you smacked me. Here. I am turning the other cheek.”
7.) “Anybody want to play “Ride ‘em Horsie? I want to play the horse.”
6.) “Rats! I got a nasty splinter in my hand. Somebody get the boss.”
5.) “If we sing some good old pioneer songs, our work will go smoother.”
4.) “Anyone going with me to church tomorrow?”
3.) “Bud, what were you doing in that suck hole-of-a saloon last night, boozing with heathen?”
2.) “I need to get out of here by four. My wife needs me to help her hang some curtains.”
1.) “Oh, shoot! You let that axe slip out of your hand and cut my head, but that’s okay. You are only human, Thad!”