Stop Phone Telemarketers: 20 Responses That Will Drive Them Away
Stop Annoying Phone Solicitors Dead in their Tracks
Americans do not agree on very many things, but you'd be hard-pressed to find somebody, Republican or Democrat, gay or straight, black or white, who does not start to foam at the mouth when they get that telemarketing call during dinner or while they're trying to give their kid a bath.
Are you one of those people? Well, this hub is for you. Below are twenty canned responses you can provide the telemarketer when he or she calls at the worst possible time. Just print them out and put them next to your phone.
- "Excuse me, but I was bathing my infant when you called and now I think he's drowning."
- "Tell me, what's your home phone number and when do youeat dinner?"
- "I'm sorry, I can't take your call now, my grandmother's dentures have fallen into the toilet."
- "Me and the family are all packed here. There's a tornado baring down on our house and we have five minutes to get out, but I'll listen to what you have to say if it's really necessary, but if we die, it's on you."
- "I've got terminal cancer and I'm getting my last rites. Could you call back? If I don't answer, I'm probably dead."
- "If you can accurately recite the chorus to Manfred Mann's 'Blinded by the Light', I'll answer any questions you want."
- "Well, I'll try to answer your questions, but I need to take my medication or else my split personality disorder is going to take hold, so whatever I say... Ben! Get that horse back in the barn!"
- "You kind of caught me at a bad time. Me and the wife/husband are, you know, doing it. But go ahead though, I'm a good multi-tasker. You'll have to excuse any grunting."
- "Can you give me about five minutes? I have a hamster in my pants and he's mad."
- "Sure, I'll be happy to answer your questions and... OH MY GOD!! HARVEY!! (drop the phone)"
- "Oh, thanks for calling. I'll be right with you." (put the phone down and do not pick it back up)
- "Oooh, a telemarketer. How exciting. What are you wearing? What do you look like? Are you sexy? What kinds of, you know, stuff do you like."
- "Please pardon me, but my Tourette Syndrome seems to be acting up." (follow with a string of profanities)
- "Not another call. I can't take this anymore. I just can't take it." (put the phone down. Blow up a plastic or paper bag, then pop it. Be absolutely quiet for a good five minutes)
- "I was just about to put my mother's head in the freezer, but maybe I have time for a few questions."
- "I'm happy to answer your questions. Please, go ahead." (after each question, delay for between five and ten seconds, just like their automated phone dialing systems do when you pick up their calls).
- "I'm going to channel my dead cat, Merdel, and she will answer all your questions. One meow is yes. Two meows is no."
- "I'll only answer your questions if I can do it in Klingon."
- (play the "I'm losing you" game) "Hi, I can't really hear you. (make static sound with mouth). "I'm going in a tunnel." (static sound) "I'm entering a haunted house." (static sound). "I'm putting my phone between my legs."
- "Oh, man. I've really got to go. I ate two huge burritos about an hour ago and combined with those fish tacos I ate at lunch, this is going to be messy. Might be a two flusher and you're coming with me."
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- Federal Trade Commission - The Do Not Call Registry