A Human Resources Masterpiece
Administrative Assistant/Executive Assistant/Coffee preparer: full time/part time/whenever
Description/Duties include etc.
- We are a rapidly growing company looking for a superstar employee to make this place number 1 in whatever field it is we are currently trying to break
- Must assist CEO/ COO/ janitor/ valet/ Accounting Department/ catering in various tasks including and not limited to managing accounts, travel plans, coffee brewing and serving, transactional banking modifications, sweeping, parking cars for management, dog walking, running out to buy lunch, greet guests, answer phones, screen calls (especially those from the IRS), translate between various languages etc.
- Fast paced work environment reaching speeds of 70-80 mph.
- Nodding enthusiastically and smiling at higher ups.
- Finishing all assigned work at least 2 days prior to deadlines.
- Cleaning hair out of bathroom sink drain without Drano. (shows character and problem solving skills)
- Knowing your place.
- Work hours are from 8 AM - ?
- Pay depends on mood of HR department every 2 weeks or 2 months (varies according to mood swing consistency) at a rate of ? (TBD)
- Must be able to find office with minimal supervision on a daily basis
- Must work over each and every holiday in order to cover for those higher up the scale
- Work weekends as necessary (jeans day dress code applies)
- Must wear skirt ending above knees (men need not apply, even if of Scottish ancestry)
- Your knowledge of derivatives markets and fraudulent banking practices will be used in order to make the company even more successful
- MBA/MA/PhD in English Literature/GED/None preferred
- 0-15 years experience as an administrative assistant to CEO/COO or fast food manager expected
- Native level English language skills and acceptance that other languages which are non-English exist in the other poor/un-democratic regions of the world which are not the United States
- Blond hair
- between the ages of 22-26
- Must be of the non-male sex
- Barista experience preferred
- Knowledge of basic mathematics: adding and subtracting basic numbers (1-10)
- Ability to use a touch tone phone
- Experience as High School cheerleader (college experience can be substituted)
- Understanding that your superiors are always right, even when they aren't
- Can only wear jeans skirts on jeans day: no actual jean pants
- Enthusiastic, well mannered, professional with a drive to succeed
- Computer skills: on/off button, web browsing, printing, ordering lunch via the world wide web/internet/information superhighway
- Must be a self starter (ex. must not be told to brew a new batch of coffee but instead constantly monitors the machine and brews when needed)
- Ability to accept non payment of wages with grace and tact
- Find satisfaction in giving, not receiving (be it assistance, monies, etc.)
- Has enough self-esteem to not ask for a raise as this would belittle yourself in front of the almighty HR department, who know what's best for you and your wallet
- Must attend all lunch time pizza parties and breakfast doughnut sessions and smile appreciatively and humbly for such kindness from the CEO
If you feel that you meet at least one or two of the above qualifications please bring your resume in person and dressed for success and in compliance with fashion magazine body weight and facial quality norms to our office.
If you are a candidate of the non-female variety please email your resume to whatever email address you would like.
PLEASE NO PHONE CALLS!!!