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All The Reasons Why I Love G00gle Ad$ense... Or Do I?

Updated on July 28, 2012

When I first wrote this Hub it was a vicious rabid rant against the outrageous excesses of what has become the monopolizing juggernaut 500,000 lb. gorilla of online labor. Then I sat back and realized that G00gle Ad$ense so profoundly embraces its "D0 N0 EVlL" motto in an Orwellian EastAsia / EurAsia manner that it was almost too easy a target.

So that's when I decided that I should best express my "love" for this unantitrustable (izzat a word?) behemoth in more of a tongue in cheek fashion. After all, it's one of those cases where if you're an online writer trying to make a buck through this scheme and don't cry you just have to laugh.

Let's imagine that you apply for an online writing position in this unemployment wracked age and are both surprised and elated to find that you've been hired! Yippeee! Work! Money! What a concept!

So you show up for your first day at work, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking forward to gainful employment and doing an honest day's work for an honest day's wage.

At your orientation you're informed that the work you do will be rewarded through brownie points. These brownie points will equal how much you get paid that month. How much does each brownie point earn you ask. We won't tell you is the answer. Some brownie points are worth a couple of bucks. Some are worth a couple of cents. We know how much each is worth what but that's our secret. How much do we make off each brownie point? We'll take that secret to the grave too so you're out of luck. You just work and earn brownie points and don't worry about it.

So then you ask how you know which work gets which brownie points and you're told that you'll be given a monthly report as to what work of yours earned what brownie points. But don't try to duplicate that work next month as the brownie point distribution will be all different. So how do you know what to do? Easy, we answer. Ask around. There's lots of people who will tell you that they get lots of brownie points. You can even believe them if you want. However... if they try to prove it publicly, we'll fire them. You can also pay someone to tell you how they earn brownie points. Don't ask why someone would sell you the way to get brownie points rather than spending their time making their own. That's too logical a question.

How much work do you need every month to do to make so many brownie points? We're not going to tell you that either. You just work and let us do the accounting. Is there a minimum wage or other standard of brownie point per work done? Nope. You can work an hour and make a thousand brownie points or work all month and make ten. It's as predictable as a roulette ball.

Brownie points are earned through any way we say they are. So if you're a vegan you might be earning brownie points from Omaha Steaks. If you're a PETA supporter you might be earning them from a furrier. If you're a Christian you might be earning them from Scientology.

Oh, by the way, if in your work you ask for brownie points we'll fire you too. You're supposed to make believe that you don't even know you're working for brownie points. So if in the course of you doing your job you write "please give me a brownie point" just once you're banned for life.

If we forget about paying you or don't pay you at all, you can't contact us in any way. But you can go hang out in a forum with a bunch of other people who are in the same boat and try to compare notes to figure out what you did wrong. Still won't get you paid, but hey, maybe it will make you feel better.

What about job security? Well, we fire you whenever the heck we feel like it and don't have to tell you the reason, nor give you any way to appeal our decision. Oh, and by the way, we always pay you over a month behind your earnings, so if you're fired, you lose everything that's owing to you. Don't like it, don't work here.

So you scream about labor laws and your rights and your pension & medical contributions and vacation pay and severance pay and the constitution and we say, dude, get real. We're G00gle Ad$ense. We're the world's largest "employer." We can buy out the entire U.S. government and change all those silly little laws.

So sit down, shut up, and enjoy doing your work!


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      'this unemployment racked age '


    • 2patricias profile image

      2patricias 7 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

      Hello Hal,

      I've just put a link from our Hub (Hubpage Success lessons from our top 5 hubs) to this hub of yours. Is this okay? Would you rather we picked a different hub?

    • Hal Licino profile image

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      emievil: Had a great time! I love it!

      KeithTax: Why should we not love a company that is taking over the universe from search to books to ENERGY? :)

      Georgina_writes: I know I am!

      hypnodude: Thanks! Say Hi to Susana S!

    • hypnodude profile image

      Andrea 8 years ago from Italy

      Susana S gave me the link to this great hub, I've asked myself this question in one of mine. Very funny hub, but unfortunately also very true. I think one day it will happen the same thing they did to Yahoo, or Open Office did to Microsoft Office. You exploit people and sooner or later a newbie arrives with a good idea and a little more respect and your business drops.

      I must become one of your followers now. :)

    • Georgina_writes profile image

      Georgina_writes 8 years ago from Dartmoor

      Very funny article. i also think I must be mad to write online.

    • KeithTax profile image

      Keith Schroeder 8 years ago from Wisconsin

      A lot of people have a love/hate relationship with Google. How you feel about Google depends on the day and how well things are working out.Good luck.

    • emievil profile image

      emievil 8 years ago from Philippines

      U're scaring me Hal. How was your trip to my country? Happy New Year!

    • Hal Licino profile image

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      Ya... they seem to forget sometimes... maybe they're just a bit forgetful... too distracted counting their billions. :)

    • Sandyspider profile image

      Sandy Mertens 8 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

      I like how you wrote, "If we forget about paying you..." I'm not crazy about Google Adsense.

    • Hal Licino profile image

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      I know I am! :)

    • ethel smith profile image

      Eileen Kersey 8 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

      LOL I often think we online writers must be mad.