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Entry-Level Management- Seven Things to Avoid
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The Axle Upon which Everything Spins
Anyone with the sense of a turnip recognizes the overwhelming wisdom and knowledge of the prodigious Entry-Level Manager. After all, the only way one achieves such a lofty position is through acumen unparalleled by anyone but the most successful of phenomena. The Entry-Level Manager is a hero in the making, the stuff of legends, but before the world recognizes what’s there. Those of us who are merely human must learn how to revere these unparalleled marvels of intellect, but we simply falter too much in our myopic demeanors. Thus, for those blessed (or would it be cursed?) with the apogee of analytical and resolute skills within the framework of the business place, there are 7 Things to Avoid in daily affairs if one is to maintain such cerebral superiority without being driven to madness.
Demonstrate Actual Working Class Knowledge
How quaint the pathetic frontline workforce is to assume one must have practical experience in something in order to properly oversee and supervise it. One must sympathize with the commoners when they believe the things they do are somehow something requiring skill or- should we even say it?- the intelligence possessed by a fruit tree. After all, how much intellect or knowledge is required in order to drive a truck, operate heavy machinery, or, come on now, welding equipment? How does the –sorry, but I think I just threw up in my mouth a little- janitorial sort think what they do actually possesses any amount of skill or ability? After all, everyone knows only the worst of the worst is placed in such role, allowing for the ability to gripe about how only the worst ever does such a job and the position never gets any quality help.
Acknowledging the possession or acquisition of genuine working class knowledge of working class labor should be actively avoided by all entry-level managers. Does God bleed? Do heroes fear or cry? Did Einstein ever harbor a shadow of doubt? Did Shakespeare ever demonstrate poor grammar?
No. So there is no reason for anyone with the brains of a newt to entertain the notion that an Entry-Level Manager should possess the knowledge and skills held by the minions. The true heroes ride the stallion into the sunset while the lesser beings push the honey bucket. The purpose of the Key Grip and the Best Boy is to recognize they exist to shine the lights onto those that must be seen, but it’s imperative that most of the world is kept blessedly ignorant of what their kind does and that they’re diminished into the shadows as much as possible, or risk their assuming they do something requiring more than the skills demonstrated by trained monkeys.
Anything Resembling Acknowledgement that Workers are actually Human
Offering any sort of acknowledgement or supposition that something other than an Entry-Level Manager or above is categorized as human is nothing less than a sign of weakness and indication of the amateur mind. One must shed the fuzzy notion that any creature below management level could demonstrate human capability or, dear God, deserve human treatment. This is equal to the freaky notion that one should bring the cattle out of the barn and into the house so they can enjoy the furniture and help themselves to the refrigerator. Now, how could that make sense to anyone at all?
A significant function of the Entry-Level Manager, like it or not, is to continually remind the lesser kind that they’ll never be seen as something other than what they are, which are beasts of burden easily replaced at little more than the snap of the fingers. They exist so that humanity can thrive, and for no other purpose than to ensure humanity propels forward into a greater and more prosperous future, and they must learn to enjoy their sacrifice for the greater good. But if there’s anything more wrong than thinking the moon is colonized, it’s allowing the commoner to assume it’s part of the prosperous-future-equation.
Technology such as overhead projectors and the numerous demonstration programs available can assist in this endeavor. Perhaps it’s a good idea to show video footage of cattle led to slaughter and explain, while the commoners view this, that these animals are contributing to the betterment of humanity with complete cooperation and a minimum of complaint, and that there’s a lesson to be learned. The chances they’ll understand are lean, but herding instincts might be coerced through seeing herding in progress, and with any luck, nature will take its course.
Allowing any Assumption Your Education is other than a Sage’s Knowledge
Your place within the annals of humanity is assured once you’re inducted into the Human Race when promoted to Entry-Level Manager. But there will be those among the commoners (aren’t they so cute when they assume they know anything about anything? Awww…) who might say your Bachelors Degree in Bipedal Feline Studies, Underwater Basket Weaving, Renaissance Art History, Color Wheel Sciences, Collagen/Silicon Gravitational Effects, Gallon Milk Container Hydroponics, Paint Desiccation Observations, or Cetacean Language Analysis is something other than the eminent studies for the cerebrally elevated.
Yeah, like you’re going to get a degree in welding, or trucking, or (titter titter titter) Janitorial Sciences. The unexceptional are used to assuming their (oh, shall we tolerate the vernacular…) trade deserves some sort of respect or serious consideration. Next, we’re supposed to assume sled dogs and trail horses have some sort of value assigned to them. But part of your responsibility as a genuine individual is to recognize your degree in anything from Chess Strategy to Bisexual Polynesian Studies is a veritable gift from the universal sages of old.
The parchment bears your name, the indication of your degree, your institution of higher learning, and is done in really cool paper along with fancy-pants calligraphy. Never forget that the assumption stating places of higher learning are there to educate the presently intelligent in information leading to greater success is nothing more than false claims by those with sour grapes in their teeth. The Institution of Higher Learning is there to inundate the otherwise blank slate of encephalitic tissue with knowledge and information the Sage’s know the Entry-Level Manager must have in order to prevent the Universe from collapsing.
While there are challenges associated with the temptation of the consideration that practical trades such as mechanic, welder, engineer, mason, heavy equipment operator and so many other nauseating occurrences among the unwashed should be considered valid within the context of intellectual thought, it is your responsibility to dismiss these false prophecies from your higher mind. To put it simply, if the position cannot be properly performed in a rental tux throughout the course of the day with the garment showing no signs of real wear, as though it’s been on the hangers all day, then it is not a position worthy of the Entry-Level Manager mind.
Talking to Subordinates as though they are Intelligent and Adult
Wow, but do things need to be made clear in this segment. Those of you who are new to the heightened realm of Entry-Level Manager may feel enticed to speak with common subordinates as though they have the wherewithal of a rabid honey badger, but recognize the temptation and shake it loose.
Look at this in this way: The primary cause of Zombie conditions are predominantly traced back to direct contact or body fluid exchanges with the afflicted. Look at treating subordinates as though they are of a similar genetic construct to you as the perfect way to damn your future into a never-ending miasma of Zombie life.
The symptoms are easy to recognize once one chooses to dismiss the denial. If a subordinate approaches or, egads, speaks with you as though communication could truly be possible (imagine speaking and reasoning with a blood soaked and ravaged zombie, if it helps) and you begin demonstrating practical abilities such as an ability to recognize a screwdriver or refill a stapler, or- dare we even say it? - harbor the ability to change a tire or perceive the function of the levers and controls of a forklift, and then seek assistance immediately! The common and subhuman mind has afflicted your higher cerebral functions with abilities akin to those who actually make things happen, actually make things go, actually make things work, actually make things seem accomplished.
If you find yourself here, you might as well shed the polyester tie and white dress shirt and khakis for bib overalls and a pitch fork. You might as well find a pocket multi-tool (yeah, like you don’t know how to use it, hayseed) and rip out at least six teeth and fill the gaping sores with Wintergreen Skoal.
Yes, this segment seems harsh, but stark realities must be acknowledged if the world is to remain spinning on the appropriate axis. Subordinates are to be sneered at, scoffed, perceived as substandard primates, and, please, if you get any of this right, they should be communicated with straight down the bridge of your nose. Do not, do not, do not, suppose it is acceptable to make eye contact paired with a pleasant expression (they can smell your weakness) and then communicate expectations. This only leads to international strife and rampant inbreeding.
Refraining from Talking Down to or Insulting Subordinates, Particularly when in Earshot
The last segment leads right into this one, suggesting complete logical parameters within these philosophical constructs and paradigms. If there’s one perfect way to ensure the greater Entry-Level Manager never commits the sin of speaking on equal ground with subordinates, it’s by letting loose with the ever-productive sarcasm and open insults against everything vulgar and repulsive about the subhuman rank and file.
Not only is this system incredibly helpful and productive within the work environment, it’s a lot of fun. The act of belittling and insulting subordinates provides a level of satisfaction rarely achieved by any other method of leadership, so be sure to avoid thinking such methods should be limited. In fact, this is one of those situations where there’s no such thing as too much of a good thing.
In order to assist those of you new to the position, and therefore this level of superciliousness, we’ll look at a few examples in order to illustrate the best way to proceed. For this, we’ll refer to the Entry-Level Managers as ELM #1, #2, and so on, and we’ll refer to employees as slugs.
Let’s assume a slug walks into your palatial office (let’s hope it does pee on the floor) and states it has a problem.
“Uh, hey boss,” the slug says. “I think we have a problem with the system conveyor in rear quadrant of-“
Cut him off right there by turning to the other ELM and say, “Now, see how these things actually try to give off the notion they might actually know what they’re talking about, and can still tie their own shoes?”
Ensure this is stated only loud enough for the slug to hear you, primarily because this is the moment to lay the foundation of superiority and respect for command. Once the statement is made and the slug looks either irritated or as though it might cry (making them cry is such good fun), then say something forwarding the momentum of your intended outcome.
“So, what is it about the system conveyor you think might be wrong?”
“It’s jammed up, on fire, and three associates are pinned under the collapsed support beam.”
“Are any of the so-called associates within the management team?”
“No. I’ve never seen a manager back there.”
“Well, the problem’s answer is rather simple, don’t you think?”
“Okay, since it’s so simple, what do you suggest we do?”
This is where you exhale loudly, roll your eyes, and with a marked degree of exasperation, look to the other ELM and say, “Now you see what the higher minds must contend with.”
ELM #2 here says, “Have any of these pinned down associates clocked out?”
“Clocked out? Now why-“
Cut him off and brusquely point out, “Well, are they actively working and doing what they were assigned?”
“No. Jim appears to have a major skull fracture and we can’t even find Marcy in the rubble. Joe and Don are setting up the emergency defibrillator to see if we can revive Martha.”
“Well, it seems I’ll have to make a few phone calls to Human Resources and have memos sent to people’s, well, dwellings, and pass on that lying around on the job is unacceptable. As though we should have to say this yet again.”
This example ideally points out the crux of the function of the Entry-Level Manager at their finest.
Let’s try another example:
ELM #1 is in the lavish office, surfing the net and enjoying the finest coffee the associate Christmas fund can pay for, when a phone call is received.
On the phone, one sees the call is coming in from the slug who drives the delivery truck (because that’s all he could manage in life).
There’s only one proper way to answer the incoming call. “What is it now?”
“Hey, I have a real problem down here! A news helicopter just crashed into a cell tower near the job site, causing it to fall onto the truck, which is now on fire, and there are bodies everywhere!”
“Have you called 911?”
“Yes. The authorities are on their way, and a news crew just arrived on the scene,” the slug says. “I’ve been able to help with setting up a place for the emergency responders to assist with the victims, and I was able to revive Harry with CPR. He has major lacerations on his face and chest, but he seems to be conscious now. I’ve done what I could, so I felt it appropriate to call you and keep you informed of the situation.”
“Speaking of appropriate,” the ELM says, “is your shirt tucked in and have you ensured there are no stains on your company-issued trousers?”
“Man, I have blood all over me from helping rescue seven people from the wreckage. Not only do I have stains, I’ll need a new pair of pants after the way these have been torn.”
“Well,” the ELM responds with tremendous scorn, “you can bet those are coming out of your paycheck. Now, do I have to remind you of the appearance policy, which just happens to be the policy you signed upon being hired?”
Now say Dear God, he couldn’t really be that stupid, could he? just loud enough for him to hear while the mouthpiece is held away a few inches, and then speak directly to him and say, “You’ve clearly violated policy and clearly have no idea how to conduct yourself in public. Clear out your locker immediately upon returning, and oh, have a nice day. You’re fired.”
Do you see how these supposedly difficult situations are handled with a high degree of aplomb? Only the finest in Entry-Level Management could make such intellectually astute decisions, and that’s why you’re out there.
Taking Seriously any Industrious or Independent Thoughts or Ideas from Subordinates
Now, of course you don’t have any practical knowledge about the jobs you oversee; your broad level of higher education in Zimbabwe Pygmy Art studies clearly excludes you from such droll chores. There is no reason to assume you have to know how to operate the crane, or the high lift, or the 15-speed semi. Does the scientist know the maze the rat runs? Well, this is such an astute example, because while the scientist has never run the maze, he can see it from up on high, and is far too great in stature to do any more than peer from the apogee and shake one’s lofty head, wondering how those things ended up down there.
Well, like the rats in the maze, we must assume those running it, over and over and over again, day in and day out, would start recognizing the particular spots along the way. They would know where the cracks in the pavement are located, and they should know their job. But they didn’t build the maze (well, their equals did, but…) so there’s no reason to assume they should be heard when they think it has too many twists and turns. Don’t they know the complexity is the point? Hell, we could have had them merely run a hamster’s tube if anyone wanted things simple enough for those beneath the Entry-Level Manager. I mean, duh…
Therefore, you must understand and recognize that there will be numerous maze runners coming your way on a continual basis, thinking they’re informing you of some ingenious way to make things better. Just keep in mind that whenever you hear any such thing, the translation of the statement reads actually reads as follows:
“I wanted to let you know I found a way for me to work less and do less so I can earn the same without working for it. But I’m going to attempt at putting it in terms sounding complex and site-specific in order to dupe you into thinking I have solutions rather than schemes, as though you don’t see my machinations from high above.”
There will be those who will tell you how reorganizing teams will maximize efforts in areas where production is lacking. There will be those who will present you with information regarding new services or tools or products available now that weren’t before and these could make an extraordinary difference in productivity and, ultimately, the bottom line. Yes, my friends, you will be at the receiving end of these scams continually.
But never, ever fall for it! Why? Because you’ll never hear this coming from them:
“We found a way to accomplish the same level of productivity with fewer people, allowing you to pull a specific amount of maze runners from the race and throw them in the anaconda exhibit, thereby saving operating and payroll expenses while boosting the bottom line.”
They always have ways to do more with the same amount of crank turners, but never the equal amount of productivity with fewer crank turners. Or, in simpler terms, they’re thieves and scum and vulgar wheel turners with only their freakish goals in mind. If anything, ensure you provide greater difficulty, complexity and additional steps regularly.
Because you must understand that once they’ve run the same maze so many times, they tend to learn it, which makes it easier for them. And when it’s easier for them, they’re working less for the same compensation and that is theft. Theft is against company policy, so any attempts at theft should be identified and thwarted at all costs and with zero tolerance.
Because that’s why you’re there, hero!
Recognizing Employee’s Efforts or Work with Genuine Reward
Long before you and I came along, some goofball who slipped through the cracks established a precedent whereby a reward system developed for the maze runners, crank turners and sled dogs. One must assume this was done with the premise that Scooby Snacks prompt the rank and file to do more. Yeah, whatever. So doesn’t a stun gun…
Because this ridiculous precedent precedes you, you’re stuck with it. Now, there’s been the rumor some companies out there reward harder work and greater productivity with monetary bonuses and other perks. This is clearly the act of some crank turner who somehow found its way into a position of intelligence and authority on false premises (read: boss’s kids), but it’s there. Now, because you’ll often be tasked with this BS scam often referred to as morale (read: appeasement), you’ll have to come up with something that appeases these button punchers so you can appease your boss.
Luckily, there have been a number of smarter precedents established to assist you. Kindergarteners are often humored with gold stars or smiley faces, so there’s a place from where you can start. Create a chart from cardboard and with a Sharpie or something, and write the names of the maze runners on it. Then on occasion, stick stickers of smiley faces and gold stars on it somewhere near the names on the board. This, we understand, somehow makes the wheel runners run faster. This is a bizarre phenomenon to be sure, but it works for a while.
Others have come up with the incredibly ingenious, unbelievably intelligent, supremely stellar, and awe inspiring idea of disseminating Tootsie Rolls! This idea is almost like recreating the wheel, to be sure, and those who came up with this incredible idea should be nominated for major recognition, to be sure. Perhaps even a Nobel prize.
So, when a wheel turner supposedly does something it’s supposed to do for a change, go to it and present it with a Tootsie Roll and say something like, good job, or good work, or thank you, or whatever key words incite them to do whatever it is they’re supposed to do. Tootsie Rolls are so marvelous for this sort of thing because the maze runners ravage this candy (despite the vulgar appearance) like it’s good for them. If there’s a plus for you, it is these sled dogs look amusing when the candy is smeared all over their teeth or their hair and faces when they eat them. Think of it like the amusing pastime of tossing sardines to seals or bread crumbs to pigeons.
Yes, the invention of the Tootsie Roll and its subsequent use as a production booster demonstrates the potential heights strived for by the human spirit and our continual quest to reach the stars. Thank you, Tootsie Roll people! Thank you!
So, there you are, elated Entry-Level Managers, 7 Things to Avoid in your continual pursuit for gold at the end of the rainbow. Through your efforts and sacrifice, humanity moves forward towards higher levels of sentience and civilization despite the continual inundation of inbreeds and sub-humans around the globe who do nothing more than operate the machinery, do the actual work, and know how those things are done. But we’re here to guide them and make them go. With a Tootsie Roll on a stick…