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Updated on January 10, 2015


THE OVERACHIEVER. These people have been waiting their entire lives for this moment. They have been studying and highlighting and color coding notes weeks before you even knew what your final was going to be on. They tend to be very bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and will make it their personal goal to throw the grading curve you are relying on to pass the class. They can be identified by the coffee cup shaking in their already over-caffeinated hand, irritatingly chipper smile, and loud bragging about how they woke up a few hours early to review their textbook just a few more times before classes began. They tend to appear to be very put-together, sometimes even wearing cologne, perfume, or makeup. It is suspected their cheery attitude is due to sniffing too many highlighters. Pity these poor creatures; while you will undoubtably be working for them in twenty years, this week of Scantrons is all they really have going on for the moment. See that cat hair on their undoubtably homemade sweater? That's from their last crazy night partying with their cat, Sulu, and eating pop-tarts over their extra credit essay the night before. It is suggested you give these people a coupon for highlighters or a Starbucks gift card to bribe them into lending you their notes beforehand.

THE CRAMMER. Not to be confused with The Overachiever, these students have also been preparing nonstop for their final exams... for the last 12 hours. While they too are clinging to caffeinated beverages and highlighters, they tend to turn to Red Bull or Monster instead of Double-Latte Pumpkin Spice Mochachinos, (hold the cream!), and their highlighters are notably less used. Instead of looking presentable or fit for every day society, these people can be identified by their pajama pants, inside-out sweatshirts, and obvious lack of undergarments. They are not social creatures; they are trying to teach themselves six months of information in a day. It is best to avoid these desperate people; if you should approach them, you may be used as an impromptu table to spread notes on, begged for Five Hour Energy money, or sacrificed to the Finals God they have convinced themselves is real due to a lack of sleep.

THE CRACKED. The pressure of finals have really gotten to this bunch. It is unknown if they have studied or not; all we know is that they are far from sane. Identifiable by unintentionally grunge-style hair, shaking, and nonstop murmured pep talks, they should probably be avoided. Usually, The Cracked are freshmen who have never been faced with the reality of finals before. Next time they walk by you, wringing their hands maniacally and attempting to brush their teeth on the go, perhaps sneak a protein bar into their back pack for substance, as they have probably eaten nothing but gum stuck to the bottom of desks for the past day or two. Shhh, you'll be okay, sweetie. Shhhh.

THE PITY PARTIER. This person needs you AND EVERYONE ELSE to know that their finals are harder than yours. They are more stressed than you. They have slept less than you. Their teachers are harsher than yours. They're more busy than you. They have more classes and notes and much stricter parents than you. Identifiable by their constant whining and affinity for sighing dramatically. Rarely alone, these people will often be observed convincing teachers that their answer WAS actually correct, or asking repeatedly if they round grades up. They will try to puppy-dog-face you into giving them your notes, lending them a pen, or to let them copy off you. Deny them all of these things; for their reactions shall be priceless.

THE MAKE-OR- BREAK-ERS. This person needs this final to pass the course. Easily identifiable by tear-stained notecards or disgustingly healthy and protein-filled power shakes, these people have a lot riding on this week. It is suggested you give this person a hug, as these people are the reason classrooms are required to have boxes of tissues. Hush, little stressball. Shhhh. Have an extra #2 pencil.

THE LOST CAUSES. These individuals know their grades are already as low as World Limbo Champion Shemika Charles. They're the people who answer "find x" with an arrow pointing to the letter x and a note saying "it's right here!"... If they even show up for class at all. They're quietly laughing at and judging the majority of people for caring about finals, happily eating Cup-of-Noodles in the back of the classroom and drawing boobs on their tests. Admire these people; for unlike The Overachievers or anyone else, they have chosen the path of personal evaluation, self-love, and common sense over studying, highlighters, and scantrons. They will love themselves without the validation of grades, for they know the school system sucks, and that they will one day succeed, because high school does not last forever. They are bold, they stand up for what they believe in, and though they may never be accepted to college, they have their band WHICH WILL TOTALLY MAKE IT BIG ONE DAY, or their awesome football skillz, or their mad DJ abilities, or that Zine they've been publishing Bi-Annually, so it's all gonna be alright! Right?

... right?


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