ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How I feel Like Answering Those Lame Copy/Paste Interview Questions Sometimes

Updated on September 8, 2014

"Tell me about yourself."

I need a job. Yours is as good as any.

"Why do you want to work for this company?"

Wait, you think I want to work here? I want to get paid to travel, nap, pick my nose and motorboat hookers. Sadly, in order to keep up my WoW membership, I have to subjugate myself to your ridiculous rules and actually leave my house wearing pants.

"How did you hear about this position?"

Your number was on the wall inside a Wendy's restroom. I'm still waiting for you to show me a good time.

"How do you handle irate or dissatisfied clients?"

With a shovel.

"Why should I choose you over all the other candidates I've interviewed for this job today?"

Are there other applicants? ~Leans forward dramatically~ I think you'll find that was all an elaborate delusion. We are currently tripping balls at a Denny's in Albuquerque. I'm wearing a sea urchin. Psst, hire me.

"Name your weaknesses."

Oh, that's easy. Casinos, furry porn, empanadas and blow. C'mon, give me a hard one.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Whoa, that's a little much of a commitment, don't you think? I figured we'd get wasted and take a few photos of our butt cheeks on the copier, and we'll see where it goes from there.

"What are your pet peeves?"

People who scratch their balls and sniff their hands. That's disgusting. Do you do that? You totally do that, don't you? Get away from me.

"Describe an occasion where you took a negative situation and made it into a positive outcome."

I was stealing cereal in walgreens one day when one of the workers caught me. Luckily, I threw a can of condensed milk and pegged her in the kneecap so she couldn't chase me out of the store! Incidentally, do you have a break room in this place? I'm suddenly in the mood for honey smacks.

"What gets you up in the morning?"

Usually, the police. But this morning, it was a drunken hobo fishing dollar bills and crystal meth out of my thong.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

Yeah, are you gonna drink the rest of that coffee?

Ugh, I'm so done with these questions. I'm so done with these interviews. And you know what, don't come at me with that "how many golf balls would fit in a school bus" b.s. either because my real time response to that may be even snarkier than the ones above.

Where did originality go? Can we organize a search party? I volunteer as tribute to make new ones, just give me about a month off, lots of Bavarian Cream donuts and I can do amazing things with this burned out brain of mine.

In the meantime, I'm open to suggestions.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)