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How I feel Like Answering Those Lame Copy/Paste Interview Questions Sometimes

Updated on September 8, 2014

"Tell me about yourself."

I need a job. Yours is as good as any.

"Why do you want to work for this company?"

Wait, you think I want to work here? I want to get paid to travel, nap, pick my nose and motorboat hookers. Sadly, in order to keep up my WoW membership, I have to subjugate myself to your ridiculous rules and actually leave my house wearing pants.

"How did you hear about this position?"

Your number was on the wall inside a Wendy's restroom. I'm still waiting for you to show me a good time.

"How do you handle irate or dissatisfied clients?"

With a shovel.

"Why should I choose you over all the other candidates I've interviewed for this job today?"

Are there other applicants? ~Leans forward dramatically~ I think you'll find that was all an elaborate delusion. We are currently tripping balls at a Denny's in Albuquerque. I'm wearing a sea urchin. Psst, hire me.

"Name your weaknesses."

Oh, that's easy. Casinos, furry porn, empanadas and blow. C'mon, give me a hard one.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Whoa, that's a little much of a commitment, don't you think? I figured we'd get wasted and take a few photos of our butt cheeks on the copier, and we'll see where it goes from there.

"What are your pet peeves?"

People who scratch their balls and sniff their hands. That's disgusting. Do you do that? You totally do that, don't you? Get away from me.

"Describe an occasion where you took a negative situation and made it into a positive outcome."

I was stealing cereal in walgreens one day when one of the workers caught me. Luckily, I threw a can of condensed milk and pegged her in the kneecap so she couldn't chase me out of the store! Incidentally, do you have a break room in this place? I'm suddenly in the mood for honey smacks.

"What gets you up in the morning?"

Usually, the police. But this morning, it was a drunken hobo fishing dollar bills and crystal meth out of my thong.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

Yeah, are you gonna drink the rest of that coffee?

Ugh, I'm so done with these questions. I'm so done with these interviews. And you know what, don't come at me with that "how many golf balls would fit in a school bus" b.s. either because my real time response to that may be even snarkier than the ones above.

Where did originality go? Can we organize a search party? I volunteer as tribute to make new ones, just give me about a month off, lots of Bavarian Cream donuts and I can do amazing things with this burned out brain of mine.

In the meantime, I'm open to suggestions.


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