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How to be a Security Officer - Security Guard

Updated on March 29, 2012

The Security Officer

“Good morning Officer Paul” is what I hear when I start my typical work shift. I then reply “Hey Todd, what’s up fool?” The 45 year old man I work with simply loves it when I call him that! No, I’m not protector of mankind, as my real name would suggest, or even guardian to the defenseless animals. No, instead I am the few, the proud, the strange – the security officer. (Please don’t call me a security guard – because I don’t actually stand and guard anything. I move about and promise the safety and security of an entire facility.)


Of course we both know - we don't have a gun

Why Do I Need a College Education?

Yes, you heard me right. I have a BA in Business yet I work odd hours protecting someone else’s investments and property for a crap wage. Yah yah yah – “you should be grateful you even have a job in today’s job market. God has blessed you with this opportunity.” I’ve heard it before and honestly, I don’t feel very blessed. I’ve been trapped in this job for the last 10 years – TEN YEARS! I am OCD and the comfort of the same building and the same job appeals to me even if it holds me back from better things. Don’t get me wrong, there are several good points about doing security work – at least when you’ve done it for so long for the same people. See, I have my bosses tricked into thinking I am a trustworthy, hard working individual. That means I never get checked up on and I get to work independent of supervision or colleagues. I also have free reign of the overhead intercom system as soon as the building is empty – a la Night at The Museum. It was often been quoted at me while I was growing up that singing loudly doesn’t necessarily make it better. Yah, well – guess what. Louder DOES make my singing sound better- bellowing throughout the empty building gives my voice an echo that many artists can only wish to achieve.


My gun?
My gun? | Source

Gun Control

Over the years I’ve been asked the same question several times. I will answer it for you now to get it out of the way. No, I do not get to carry a gun. RealHousewife learned this fact just the other day and then asked me a very good question. She wanted to know what I would do if there was ever an intruder. My answer, sadly, was that I would hide in a corner holding my knees to my chest, rocking and humming while praying the intruder couldn’t see me. What? What did you think I was going to say?


There have been some scary moments during my time as a security officer. Usually they took place at night – go figure right? When I first started security I worked second shift, from 3 pm to 11 pm. My first scary moment involved a fellow who was obsessed with redheads and boots. Guess who wore boots? Yup, I did. I called off sick one of my regular shifts and the next day I got a phone call from my boss. His words were “I have something to tell you but please don’t freak out.” Well of course I freaked out! My boss proceeded to tell me about a young man who was hiding behind the facility’s dumpsters the night before. He had a notebook with him detailing my schedule, my vehicle, my route home, and my boots. I didn’t say he was a normal individual! When the police came to take the young man away they searched his car and found knives, a gun, duct tape, and rope in his trunk. I guess it was pure luck that I had called off ill that night. I always parked my car out back by the dumpsters. Creepy!


We Are Here to Listen

Would You Ever Consider Being a Security Officer?

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The second freaky incident took place on a second shift also. I was sitting in the lobby of the building watching people walk to their vehicles in the dark. All of a sudden something that sounded like a gunshot echoed throughout the lobby. Naturally I ducked because the entire front wall of the building is only windows and support beams. My adrenaline shot through the roof and I yelled at the other people walking through the lobby to get down. After a minute of nothing I sat up straight to look around. To my surprise one of the front windows of the building had shattered into a million tiny pieces. After further investigation it was determined that the window simply couldn’t hold the pressure that was placed on it by heavy winds and it ruptured. No gun fights, no intruders. Ok, so that’s two scary incidents I was able to come out of without anything actually happening.


Ooooooooooh, that's embarrassing!
Ooooooooooh, that's embarrassing! | Source

S*E*X on Tape

Being a security officer also has its embarrassing moments. Sometimes the moments are embarrassing for me but mostly they're just embarrassing for other people. Who to talk about first, who to talk about first… The others. Why is it that people can see a sign proclaiming the use of closed circuit cameras and they still do weird things – right under them? I’ve seen so many people doing so many things in their cars it's almost unbelievable! If a vehicle parks by the building during off-business hours I have to use the security cameras to zoom in and get the make, model and plate number of the vehicle. Then I have to leave the camera pointed on the vehicle to watch if someone gets out or not. Because of this I’ve seen people sexing in cars, smoking pot in cars, and fighting in cars. I’ve also seen people hop out of cars with a blanket only to disappear in the woods for a while. My favorite parking lot antics involve a dog. NO not like that you sicko. Two people in a red pickup pulled into the lot. It turns out they were trying to catch a loose dog they had trailed to the field by the building. This dog was having a great game of “I’m getting closer, I’m getting closer, they can almost touch me, aaaaalmost, now RUN!” This game went on for at least an hour before the dog took off down the street and I couldn’t see the action anymore.


Now that I’ve dished the dirt on others I will come clean on my most embarrassing moment as a security officer. It took place on a dark, quiet night. I was alone in the building and the settling creeks and groans were getting to me. I figured I would turn on some music to drown out the weird sounds. If you know me at all then you know if I have music on - I'm singing loud. I started singing to Lady Gaga and tapping my toes to the beat. I was getting into it real good when I had the brilliant idea to sing over the intercom. The world was going to be my stage for a few minutes and it wouldn't hurt anything. I picked up my desk phone and dialed the extension - I heard the distinct beep to let me know I had accessed the system properly and I started singing and dancing my little heart out. And you know what? You guessed it - I wasn't alone. I didn't realize it at first. After Lady Gaga ended I hung up the phone and went back to monitoring cameras and entering web site checks. An hour later an employee walked through the lobby and handed me a five dollar bill and thanked me for the entertainment. I apologized profusely and turned as red as possible - she just laughed.


Would You Make a Great Security Officer?


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Can We Get Security Up Here?


Seriously though - I do enjoy my job and I do perform it the best I can. I maintain current training in first aid, CPR and AED, I know how to react and stay calm during bad situations, I know what to look for to avoid negative outcomes, and I work diligently to keep people and property safe. Being a security officer is an excellent job for someone wanting to get into law enforcement, for retirees or for stay at home moms like myself to supplement household income. If you have any real questions about becoming a security officer please feel free to leave me a comment below and I will get back to you.


I got the idea to write about my employment experience from RealHousewife. She has a wonderful hub called Exciting Ways to Supplement Your Income. Please spread the love and visit her article - you'll be gad you did!


MadTV King Burger Bon Qui Qui

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    • profile image

      brian 3 years ago

      I would rather be a black security guard than a white security guard any day of the week.

    • profile image

      Mo Meaty 4 years ago

      First, you might want to get in to law enforcement so you can have arrest powers. 2nd you better be sure that's what you want because you put up with a lot of peoples crap and they blame it on you! You have to learn self defense and never,never underestimate the other guy. Treat people right and you will get it back, but there is always that crazy guy or girl out ther that can put the hurt on you. Then consider the lawsuits because this is the day and age of the lawsuit. Then don't bring your job home because somebody pissed you off. Remember their bad day is not yours! good luck and be safe.

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      jaket distro 4 years ago

      This is my first time i go post. I collected so many interesting things in your site especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your posts

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi Kimberly :) oops, I hope I didn't give your guards a bad name hahah keep in mind that most people arent as goofy as I am. Thanks for the read and the comment!

    • Kimberly Vaughn profile image

      Kimberly Vaughn 5 years ago from Midwest

      Great hub! We have some security guards that protect the office building I worked at. It is great to get some insight into their jobs!

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hello Rolly C ;) Funny you should say that about my gift haha I DID just record a little number earlier today. And I have to say it wasn't toooooo bad even with a minor cold. However I will most surely NOT place it publicly where anyone can hear it :P

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Ardie... thanks for the honesty and the humour in all this. Is it possible for you to record a soundtrack of your singing for us. I think after readin this we all want to hear it... come on and share one of the many gifts you have with us... your audience is waiting.

      Hugs from Canada

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi Audra :) This really is such a simple job - I write Hubs, take naps, and read hahaha please don't tell my boss. There are some scary incidents every so often but I am a trained professional - step away from the vehicle. Wait, what...?

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

      You amaze me! Your job must be difficult! However, you explain it here in an entertaining manner. I do not think I would be there after your first incident...indeed scary...eeek! More power to you girl! Voted up!!!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      ardie, i'm on it

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi Cosmic Bus :) Ya really think so?! Because then I could just write for total fun and not even worry about keywords!! Thanks for the vote.

    • Cosmic Bus profile image

      Cosmic Bus 5 years ago from Maryland

      Very funny! I think you have a sitcom in the making. Voted up!

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hello ChristyWrites :) Thanks for reading my weird story - I will admit its strange haha but funny! Im glad something had me call off that weird dumpster dude night too. Of course I know (fake) karate so I would've been totally fine.

      Hi jimmiethejock! Security is a fun job if you know how to have a good time while still doing what you're supposed to. 83% on the quiz is great! I think I only scored a 25% :) Will you get to carry a gun?!

    • jimmythejock profile image

      James Paterson 5 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Ardie, I am waiting to hear about my security licence application, Having worked in security for over 10 years before my last 2 jobs, I can't wait to get back into it.

      I apparently scored 83% in your quiz and i wouldn't even be allowed a gun in the UK anyway lol.

      thanks for giving me a good giggle today.....jimmy

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      Thanks for sharing about your work Ardie. It's nice to learn more about you. The story about the guy with the notebook behind the dumpsters is scary, I'm glad you didn't work the shift that night! Stay safe you.

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Sadly, I still try to keep my dignity intact...why I bother when I have three kids is beyond me. They go out of their way to tell embarrassing stories!

    • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

      Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

      You could make money with that tape on You Tube, y'know? Or enter it in America's Funniest Videos. Big bucks prizes!

    • Ardie profile image
      Author

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi Marcy! I'm sure it was quite the sight and yes...there were numerous cameras pointed on the lobby desk where I was sitting. Thankfully the footage isn't looked at unless something happens to make us look at it. :) Thanks for reading!

    • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

      Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

      I'm loving the image of you jammin' along and unknowingly entertaining a complete stranger! Were there any tapes going to capture that little Kodak Moment? Hilarious; what a great read! Voted up and funny, and interesting (the security guard part).

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Well PDX, I think it WOULD be a good deterrent - and if you didn't have to wear pants it would only be a fraction of a second to rip that shirt off. I say you try it!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Ardie... couldn't it be an effective criminal deterrent if you're nude when you confront a hooligan? They'll either be horrified or aroused and either way, they would likely be thrown off guard enough for you to pepper spray them.

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi alocsin :) It IS a nice little bit of extra cash to help supplement a primary income. Thanks for reading!!

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

      This looks like a good option for extra money in these economic times. Voting this Up and Useful.

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      HAAAA! PDX, you made me burst out in loud laughter that sent the dog running across the tile - slipping sliding the entire way. I can't even answer that...I mean if you're alone it should be ok - so long as you STAY alone.

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      i kind of want to be a security guard now. My problem is, I don't like to keep my pants on when I'm alone. Will that get me fired?

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Aaw thanks Sharyn!! I probably meant for it all to be funny hahah I have a very odd sense of humor sometimes. And then other times its very slap-stick. Ohhh love that. Thanks for reading and I am always super careful at work now. Can you believe dumpster dude got a slap on the wrist and only had to sign a paper promising to take his schizo meds more regularly? Amazing!

    • Sharyn's Slant profile image

      Sharon Smith 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

      Ardie,

      This was GREAT! I love your sense of humor. I realize not all of it was funny, but you know what I mean. My kind of writing that I love to read :) Be safe at work!

      Sharyn

    • htodd profile image

      htodd 5 years ago from United States

      Well..nice post

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Thanks for reading maxravi :) I suppose you are right - any job is a good job so long as the employee gives it his or her all.

    • maxravi profile image

      Ravi Singh 5 years ago from India

      Nice hub.I never categorize job as good or bad.security officer is a very responsible job and need courage and patience.hats up to all security guys.

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Drats! Thanks zzron - I had hoped I fixed it earlier. I might have to remove it :(

    • zzron profile image

      zzron 5 years ago from Houston, TX.

      Hey did you know your last video isn't working?

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Thanks RHW, I just played the video for my husband too and he loved "Welcome to King Burger where we do it your way but don't get all crazy." He also enjoyed Bon Qui Qui's rap at the end. Sadly the video wont play on the hub so I have to figure out what to do about that...thanks for stopping in again.

      ThoughtSandwiches! Yes, I can see people smoking pot. A dead give away is when its dark and I try to zoom in and all I see is the glowing red end lit up for a very very very long hit :) I mean - that and the smoke-filled car...windows all left up! And my little Dumpster Dude was surely a little much. Thanks for reading my friend.

      Austinstar - I don't know but that's a good question! I will look it up because she's hilarious!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Isn't that Bon Qui Qui girl the one doing the new Taco Bell commercials? She kinda cute ya?

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Ardie...

      So what you are saying is...you can see people when they are smoking pot? That is interesting useful information. Not for me of course...I just know people...

      Who hasn't flirted with the red hair/boots combo? Your freak was way too organized, however, and I'm glad he got caught. Yeah...I would have paid $5 for the concert too...though...mostly for the look on your face...

      Stay safe (and in tune) on whichever shift you are rocking this evening!

      Thomas

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Ardie - I had to come back and check the video out again...Dave and I watched it and were rofl:) He had not seen it before either!

      Hope you aren't working your third shift tonight! Ew! You might want to color your hair and wear less attractive boots btw! just sayin.....

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hello Gypsy Rose Lee – I love your name! Many security guards are indeed real dufuses hahah I do get lonely but I love my music so I crank the tunes and belt it out every possible chance. I suppose women do become security guards since I’ve had the job for almost 10 years ;) Thanks for reading girl!

      Thanks Haunty! You only want to work with me so you can hear my bad, echoed singing - admit it :P

      Rosemay – you have no idea how happy I am to see you making the rounds!!!! Im glad you liked this one. It was so much fun to write :)

      Zzron!! How horrifying to see someone dump another person into a parking lot! I don’t think I could’ve gone out to look – I would’ve hidden in the basement office and called the police…I am such a chicken. I’m glad the poor woman was ok even if she was a prosty. I hope you find something good to keep you home. Even though I work Saturdays and Sundays 12 hours each I still get to be home 5 other days a week. Thanks for stopping in :D

    • Ardie profile image
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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi there Melovy, I don’t mind hearing it all again :) Thank you so much for the kind words and for reading my goofy story!!!

      Austinstar – it was Lady Gaga’s early song Just Dance – love that one and I love her too! I will indeed keep everyone posted if anything happens…hopefully just funny stuff and nothing scary. But who knows…I may have to work a third shift tomorrow.

      Hi stephhicks! I wouldn’t suggest being a security guard to anyone hahah my mom actually hates that I do this…she worries sick but the building I’m in is locked the whole time. Thanks for reading!

      Joshua hahah I DO NOT approach the vehicle…eew. As soon as I realize what’s taking place I move the camera to the car’s tires so I can simply know when they leave!!!

      Hi Coffee Beans, sshh don’t let my secret out! Yes, I can patrol and Facebook at the same time – kinda nice. I wonder if we still have footage of my singing performance…sadly I’m like the goofs that do bad things under cameras. I forget my desk has two cameras on it at all times!

      Hi Simone :) Wow, I feel very special that you stopped in!! Most security officers aren’t as cool as me so it’s ok if you give the rest funny looks. The strangest thing about the stalker was that I didn’t even know I had one…real secure, huh? Thanks for reading.

    • zzron profile image

      zzron 5 years ago from Houston, TX.

      This was a great hub. I have done security work a lot in the past but it has been over 15 years ago. One of the most intense situations I have ever been in on a security guard job was, I was working alone at a three-story building that I patrolled around once every hour and I work the second shift from 11p.m. to 7 AM.

      In the back parking lot one night I thought someone had dumped out a dead body in the parking lot. I had to go out and take a look. It turned out though someone had dumped out a prostitute who seemed to be on drugs or maybe roughed up a little. I called 911 and told them I thought someone had been murdered. They were there in less than 5 min.

      The police and an ambulance showed up and revived her. Anyway I have done several non-armed security and really enjoyed it. I am actually considering looking back into it again soon, that or possibly being a limousine driver. I've been trying to get off the road for quite a while from my long-distance truck driving job. I'm ready to be home every night, of course a lot of security guard jobs are spent working nights and weekends but that's okay. That sure beats being away from home four weeks at a time.

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      Oh Ardie I am so pleased you called in sick that night.

      A wonderfully funny hub though, I bet you have heaps of stories you could tell. The thought of you singing Lady gaga over the intercom is priceless.

    • Haunty profile image

      Haunty 5 years ago from Hungary

      Such an awesome hub, Ardie. It was so worth waiting for. One thing's for sure: I wanna be security now. And I want to work with you! :D

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      I always thought security guards had lonely jobs. Do women ever become security guards? Just asking. Here in Riga we have real dufuses as security guards and they have no respect for anyone. The ones who work at night go to their jobs so that they can sleep off their shifts.

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 5 years ago from San Francisco

      Hahaa, I love your behind-the-scenes account! I shall never look at security officers the same way again.

      That you had a freaky stalker is HORRIFYING!!! I'm really, really glad that they caught him when they did. Though I think it's awesome that you got caught singing over the PA system- that kind of brilliance should really not go unnoticed.

    • poshcoffeeco profile image

      Steve Mitchell 5 years ago from Cambridgeshire

      Ardie, Now I am gonna call you Miss Black Bossy Boots. I understand now why you can be on Facebook all day without getting fired! You lucky devil.

      Seriously this was a great idea for a hub given to you by Realhousewife and you made it so funny. I only wish I could've seen you singing and dancing to Lady Gaga. ( Did you have the boots on at the time?).....Joking

      More like this please..I am learning a lot. Thank you.

      Mr Coffee Beans

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      JoshuaDR 5 years ago from Charleston, SC

      I scored 66%. So what do you do when you catch people having sex? Are they allowe dto finish and leave or do you tap on their window? =)

      Voted up, I really enjoyed this hub.

    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 5 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      Funny, entertaining and interesting all at the same time. :) Not sure I'd ever want to be - or be qualified for - a security officer. Rated up! LOL Steph

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      OMG, which Lady GaGa song were you singing? I just love her for some reason. I really think she is talented.

      I hope you continue to report your experiences as a security guard so we can enjoy them!

    • Melovy profile image

      Yvonne Spence 5 years ago from UK

      I really have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll say it anyway. Very funny hub, and you are very brave. Well done on both counts!

    • Ardie profile image
      Author

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Thank you Shalini :) Always good to see you

      Hello missolive! Dumpster Dude is funny hahah I will call him that from now on if he ever gets referenced again at work. A 66?! Congrats! That’s better than the average score (a 53).

      Lucybell, so you KNOW! We can be sisters-in-security. We DID have to walk outside on patrols until the incident with Dumpster Dude – then the bosses thought we’d be better off indoors. My site is very cushy – rich people, marbles floors, and rolling chairs!!! I can’t believe they made you check tide outside alone in the dark – yikes! Im glad you don’t do that anymore. But you’re right – once the elderly get to the point that they need watched it can be just as dangerous. Thanks for reading!

      Hello dear writer20! I hate the dark too but I force myself through it IF I need to. Mostly I work days unless someone calls off sick.

      Ghaelach, you’re too sweet :) It was always a dream of mine to be on stage! But I want to sing – sadly I am not very good at that hahahh Thank you for reading!

      Epi you’re so witty, you always come up with a cute little ditty (sp?). Your time is wasted on those sweet cats and I always enjoy our commenting HubPages chats. I truly appreciate the share, I know you really care! You’re way better at this than I am hahah

      Hi Sunshine, one of my most favorite hot hubbers :) and it has nothing to do with the fact you’re in Florida. I HAVE learned some tae kwon do watching my littlest in her class – I practice it on the husband regularly!

      Raciniwa, your mother is a smart woman. You provide the world with so much more with what you do now :D

      Eiddwen, thank you for the read and the votes! I will enjoy the day as I go now to take a nap and you enjoy yours too :)

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

      Wow a great hub Ardie so another to vote up up and away !!!

      Take care and enjoy your day.

      Eddy.

    • raciniwa profile image

      raciniwa 5 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

      that was a young child's dream when i was yet a child, but my mother discouraged me from being one...

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      LOL!! I could so picture you jamming to Lady Gaga!! Which song? She's got lots of good ones!! Have you learned any good karate kicks? FAB HUB RED!!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 5 years ago

      ...well my lovely Miss Ardie of the Divine - you can secure my premises - anytime!!!!! And on that note please allow me with reverence and respect to post this wonderful hub subject with your usual great writing to my Facebook page with a direct link back here - with an order of STAND RIGHT THERE OR I WILL SHOOT if you don't read this hub - lol - lake erie time ontario canada 5:10am just arrived home from night shift work

    • profile image

      Ghaelach 5 years ago

      Morning Ardie.

      I don't know about being a security officer, you should be on the stage and i don't mean sweeping it. You have a natural talent for telling things in a funny way.

      Loved your hub.

      UP/A/B/F

      take care.

      LOL Ghaelach

    • writer20 profile image

      Joyce Haragsim 5 years ago from Southern Nevada

      Ardie, you must be a very strong person to do this type of work. Me ,I hate the dark and also have.

    • lucybell21 profile image

      Bonny OBrien 5 years ago from Troy, N.Y.

      Okay first off. You wrote an awesome hub! The guy by the dumpster made me think of all the cop shows on TV, where they find...well you know. I was a security Officer many years ago, so I know what you are talking about. I worked many sites and some sites were not secured, plus I had to walk outside in the dark with a flashlight and punch keys. I once had to walk over a wooden bridge over the river to check the tide water. I hated that job site. I have had some cushy sites though. I don't do that work anymore, now I kinda babysit old people, and even then you never know what to expect.

    • missolive profile image

      Marisa Hammond Olivares 5 years ago from Texas

      Ardie!

      LOL This was too funny and a great story. Scary too - dumpster dude Yikes! The video was funny. Man, he was passionate wasn't he? LOL Getting caught singing at the top of your lungs is hilarious and I totally pictured that goofy dog teasing those people.

      Be safe and thanks for sharing this delightful hub. FYI - I scored a 66% hmmm

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 5 years ago from India

      haha - loved it, Ardie :)

    • Ardie profile image
      Author

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi homesteadbound - THE new hubber of the year and well deserved :D Im honored to have you in for a read! I'm glad I called off sick too because I wasn't even really sick if I remember right hahah I truly believe all things happen for a reason!

    • homesteadbound profile image

      Cindy Murdoch 5 years ago from Texas

      What was the deal with the question about if your last name fell between the letters D and R?

      I'm glad you called in sick that night! Wow, that could be scary!

      This was a very interesting hub!

    • Ardie profile image
      Author

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      RHW - Yah he was scary. I remember seeing him around too and I thought he was an employee - nice looking kid, normal seeming, nice enough *shudders*

      Hi Sunnie! I'm so sorry you failed hahah Were you afraid of the dark? Please don't move - unless you can take the husband, the dog and the chickens too. Thanks for reading - Im SO glad you didn't get stuck being a nurse to the meanies of society!

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 5 years ago

      Oh Ardie I am laughing my head off for one thing I failed your test and for a 51 year old woman to move home with her parents..well..uh..hey you know now that I think of it..may not be so bad..hahah

      I loved this..I live with a correctional officer..okay...he is my husband..my daughter is one too...I got hired twice within a five year period as a nurse to work there ( guess I forgot how I did not like it the first time) anyway..I got out the gate (I mean I ran)called them back and said I could not take the job..You are really a great writer and enjoyed this so much

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Ardie - omg! Priceless btw - glad they caught the dude with the traveling rape kit! People would never ever believe how good we can zoom in with those infrared cameras huh? lol

      Tammy - leg makeup was this stuff - like my grandma wore in the roaring 20's when you had vericose veins or a scar on the leg to cover it - kind of like thick foundaton...????

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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Cags, I am THE security officer of all security officers. I cherish my job and hold my work skills and ethic in high esteem LOL Just playing.

      BUT I do have to admit I love all the people I work with and they hold me there out of loyalty more than anything. Thanks for the votes!

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      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Vinaya - I don't know if anyone really ever thinks about becoming a security officer hahah it just...happens and then you're trapped forever!

      RHW, bwahahahah!!! Leg what-up? WOW I bet you met some very interesting people in the study lab. Its another hub I'm DYING to read. Im glad you enjoyed this since it will forever have your name to blame for it :D

      Tammy - I know, who would've thought?! I wonder if he liked my hair or the BOOTS better...things to ponder at night when I can't sleep :)

      Hi Daisy! Im glad you had fun reading - it was super fun to write and remember back through scary and embarrassing moments. You'd be amazed how many times...well, nevermind.

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      Cagsil 5 years ago from USA or America

      Hey Ardie, I guess you're doing the job you should be doing? LOL! I've worked as a security officer in my early years, but I had the pleasure of working at different sites from time to time. You describing your work habits and the events that occurred was definitely too funny. Voted up and marked FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! LOL! :)

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      Daisy Mariposa 5 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

      Officer Ardie,

      This was a fun article to read. Your delivery of the material was terrific. I especially liked your Lady Gaga anecdote.

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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      You poor redhead with boots.. I had NO idea.. You should do a series of hubs on these characters. I like when you write in this style.. It is HILARIOUS!

      Great suggestion by the RealHousewife. I have to ask.. what is leg make up?

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      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Ardie, Ardie, Ardie - I had to go get some kleenex to dry the tears that are streaming in steady rivulets down my cheeks:) LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOOLLLOLLOOLOLOLOOLO

      I know what you mean about people doing weird stuff when they KNOW there is a camera recording! I used to have weirdos in the lab too...especially some of those research subjects. After a few years, I saw the correlation between weirdness and willingness to test drugs that aren't FDA approved for money. Yep. We had some regulars...people we studied due to their deviations from the norm...one guy used to come in wearing leg makeup!! huh? I know. And when I would begin to scrub to tape an electrode there was always that awkward moment of strangeness where I realize he is wearing weird leg makeup and he realizes I realize it. Yanno? What do I say? HAHA

      I am tweeting sharing pimping (tsp)!

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      Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

      I have never thought about becoming a security officer, nevertheless I enjoyed reading your views and experience.