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Markie, "The Slob's" "Day In The Sun"

Updated on May 14, 2015

Some "slobs" love to eat in public

which is fine, but in many countries, eating in public is frowned-upon because of certain religious customs.
which is fine, but in many countries, eating in public is frowned-upon because of certain religious customs.

Destroying Myths About "Slobs"

Not every "slob" is musically-gifted.
Not every "slob" is musically-gifted.
"Slobs," do not all sleep on sidewalks.
"Slobs," do not all sleep on sidewalks.
Sorry, I don't know how this picture of this cute couple got into this space. Aren't they happy to be in love?
Sorry, I don't know how this picture of this cute couple got into this space. Aren't they happy to be in love?
"Slobs" are not all litter bugs.
"Slobs" are not all litter bugs.
"Slobs" are not all inflicted with bad manners at the dining table.
"Slobs" are not all inflicted with bad manners at the dining table.
"Slobs" do have garbage cans or garbage disposals.
"Slobs" do have garbage cans or garbage disposals.
All "slobs" do not travel with pet dogs.
All "slobs" do not travel with pet dogs.
Pigs are not the "pet of choice" for slobs.
Pigs are not the "pet of choice" for slobs.

What thoughts run through your head when you see a "slob"? I know. This term is not politically-correct. My apologies, Bill and Hillary Clinton. The politically-correct term is: "cleanliness-challenged" person.

You, like me, probably in the past, automatically-thought this: "look at that poor guy just sitting on the park bench gazing at the dead pigeon on the ground." Or . . ."look at that poor guy just sitting on the park bench gazing at the dead pigeon on the ground, probably thinks he will have that deceased bird for dinner." And we would both be foolish in thinking like this.

"Slobs," are people too. And deserve a life in our world just like the rest of us high school grad's. No one ever told me that living like a "slob" was illegal, immoral or disgusting.

I think we have experienced a break-through in our labelling of "slobs."

Yeah. Now we are "cooking with gas."

I am going to treat this subject, "A Few Thoughts About 'Slobs'" like I would any of my subjects. With careful-attention to detail and imagine that I am walking through a minefield.

I respect "slobs." Don't you? I mean by that, if the "slob," doesn't go to any effort to respect himself, then "I" need to do the neighborly thing and respect him twice. Once for me. Once for himself. And FYI, most "slobs" are male. Not female. If there's a hidden-story in that statistic, I can't see it. And I do not need to open up another "can of worms." (I thought that you would appreciate a "slob"-related term there).

What is the true definition of a "slob"?

Well, to me, a "slob," isn't anyone who can, or would harm us. No. In fact, studies have shown that "slobs," are mostly-tranquil, self-minded and not nurturing evil tendencies to complicate their lives with the police charging them for aggravated assault. Pure "slobs" had rather "look" super-intelligent and slobbish, than cause anyone any harm.

A veteran "slob," is someone who can "roll with the punches," and let the blood from them dry on his shirt and never miss a beat. He is that programmed and focused. Hardly anyone, not even an I.R.S. agent can distract a "slob," from doing what he does best: Be "sloppy," and still be on the fringe of society as a breed apart. People we call "different thinkers" on higher levels than us mortals. Most "slobs" graduated from prestigious colleges.

"Slobs," for the most part, love to eat. And when eating, they spill on their shirts that are coated with crumbs and spots from earlier meals. This is a smart move on the "slob's" behalf because he doesn't have a lot of laundry to do at week's end.

Now do not confuse a "bum," with a "slob." Someone once said, "the only difference between a "bum" and a "slob," was the number of letters in their title. I guess this person was trying to make a joke. And failed.

A true "bum," will not work. At all. For anyone. Whereas a "slob," already has a job, and sometimes a great job with benefits. The only thing about the "slob," is that he only "appears" filthy and not seen a shower in two weeks. Remember, "looks can be deceiving."
Some "slobs," are proud to go through life as a "slob," for someone told them either in high school or college that "a 'slob's' desk or workplace is dirty and out of order due to their genius," and the "slob" eat that statement up as if he were eating a Subway sandwich.

When conversing with a "slob," and I mean in appearance only, the "slob" will gaze intently into space as if some "force" will speak to him and give him new revelations on what is going on in the universe. But that is only an illusion. You see, when a "slob," in appearance only, makes just one radial or genius statement, he is hooked for life. Labelled a "deep thinker," in the school room and office. What a burden to bear. But the "slob" carries on like a seasoned trooper, never faltering or giving-in to the temptation to quit the task at hand. Yes, America needs more "slobs" like the one in this paragraph.

When I stated "in appearance only," about a "slob," I meant wardrobe. That's all. As far as moral compass and values, "slobs" are as good, maybe better than most of our population. But when it comes to dressing themselves, well, the "slob," seemingly has a daunting challenge when he or she opens his closet to choose the proper attire for that day.

For instance. Let's say a male "slob," is going to an important, high-level office meeting today. He is beyond excited. This is his first big meeting as an employee, and not just a security guard. Can we blame him for foaming at the mouth with unbridled happiness?

He pauses for a moment, then chooses a red, western-style shirt with pearl buttons that snap, and has white fringe on the inner-sleeves to give him that Roy Rogers, "king of the cowboys" look. Then for trousers, he chooses his "lucky" pants, a pair of worn corduroy pants with a patch on one knee. He smiles at the patch for it reminds him of one rambunctious homecoming weekend he attended at his college has October. There was liquor involved. Then he takes down a thin, white belt with a small gold belt buckle and he is set for the day.
We almost forgot his socks. Argyle, but only on his left foot. On his right foot, he wears an average sock that looks like a monkey's face when it is washed and folded. "Slobs" can have the most-colorful wardrobe and get away with it more than anyone I know.

In the office, our "slob," fits right in, except for some good-natured, and maybe some mean-spirited, jealousy-inspired teasing from some of his coworkers. "Going to a circumcision later?" asks a senior vice president of the company as they board the office elevator. The "slob" nods and smiles as to not provoke the senior vice president.

"Hey, 'Markie,' (the "slob's" name), the Good Will Store called and wants their clothing back," laughs Thomas Stump, the senior vice president's spoiled son, who has the only cushy job where the "slob" works. Stump sits at his expensive desk, looking out of his office window and keeps count of how many red cars drive onto the company parking lot. The "slob" again, nods and laughs as to not make the brat angry.

During the meeting, the "slob," is, for the most part, quiet and attentive. Ready to answer if the boss calls on him. And suddenly, as if "Yesterday," on a small 45, by The Beatles, has just dropped on the local juke joint jukebox, the boss of the company says, "Mr. Dellywart, do you have the last year's figures for the quarterly sales and dividends exchanges we provide to our stockholders?" The "slob" cannot believe it. It is finally his turn to shine. And he is more than ready.

"Uhh, you bet, sir," the "slob" replies. "Uhh, let's see now . . .45,000, 323,000, 1.4 millon in stock shares and 569 in downward profit margins," he adds while looking square to the tops of his outdated shoes. Oxfords, maybe.

"Good work, Dellywart! That's the kind of employee I am looking for. An employee like Dellywart who will carry our company way past the 21st century and solidify ourselves as the leader in yellow corn research," J.W. Clanton, III, chairman,C.E.O, of the "slob's" company bellows nearing losing his five-dollar cigar in the process. FYI: King Corn Inc., has a strict non-smoking policy. But Clanton is the boss, so what do you do? Plus Mr. Clanton is "calorically-challenged," as he really fills-out his designer suit.

That was it. Our "slob's" "moment in the sun." It's now history. And may not revolve around again. Another turn for the "slob" to show just how important and indespensable he really is. Maybe he can recall this historic event to his kids and grandkids on some bitter winter night as the grandkids are all piled upon his lap and sitting near his fireplace.

"Grandpa slob, uhh, Markie, did you really speak-up at that high-level meeting years ago and talk to your "big" boss?" "Larry," his oldest grandson will ask while flickers of the flames in the fireplace dance in his eyes.

"You betcha, Larry," grandpa "Markie," will manage to answer now that age has taken it's toll on is voice. He is now 45, retired and drawing a meager pension from King Corn, Inc. Meager because his company down-sized one week before he was to retire with a full-pension.
Poor "slob," so close. And yet, so late in managing his "nest egg."

I think that even with your disappointing retirement with a meager pension, people should sit up and take notice of you and not call you a "slob" anymore.

Yeah, that's right. Even in retirment, you need a businessman name. A name that's easy to say and not easily forgotten. A pleasure to say to friends and family. And a name that you can be proud to use if you want to return to the workforce since you are only 45.
How about "Kenneth"? That name kinda rolls off the lower lip. And has a certain ring to it.
End result: "Markie Kenneth Dellywart." Oh, no contest. Instant respect along with instant employment as a company cafeteria food coordinator.

Your background with the King Korn company is either to be thanked. Or blamed.

This is a "trick photo"

that fools everyone. Most people believe that "slobs" live in places like this, but in reality, they live in swanky apartments in big cities.
that fools everyone. Most people believe that "slobs" live in places like this, but in reality, they live in swanky apartments in big cities.


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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hey, Graham/old albion,

      Thanks a lot for your kind remark. Even people we call slobs need some TLC sometimes. The TLC means "Total Laundry Cleaning."

    • old albion profile image

      Graham Lee 

      4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Well done Ken. A true and entertaining hub. I smiled at so many points, Tip top.



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