ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Mel's Mongrel-Centric Mutterings -The Dog Days of Mail Delivery

Updated on May 10, 2013

Beware this mad mongrel

Don't be fooled by this dog's friendly demeanor. He is insane! Animal advocates do not continue! You will not be pleased by my ideas on how to deal with poochies like this.
Don't be fooled by this dog's friendly demeanor. He is insane! Animal advocates do not continue! You will not be pleased by my ideas on how to deal with poochies like this.

Dogs, The US Mail, Survival of the Fittest

What mail blog would be complete without a few observations about a mailman's favorite furry friend, canis lupus familiaris? I contend that an experienced mailman understands more about dog mentality than your average scientist. So I have thrown together a few random vignettes here based on my experiences over the years.

When I was putting mail in a mailbox today, two dogs behind a heavy patio screen door were fighting over the privilege to bark at me. I have noticed this behavior on many occasions. One smaller dog in a yard will run over to bark at me, and then the larger, dominant one will accost the smaller one in order to remind him who the boss is. This often leads to violent encounters between the animals. Something in the dog mentality puts a special significance on barking. It seems to be an earned perogative, and when it is not respected it puts the alpha male into an evil temper.

On the other hand, there are those dogs who appear to be self-appointed barking policemen. These animals apparently understand their master's strict injunctions against barking at the mailman, and will intercede to stop the prohibited behavior when their fellow dogs engage in it. Most of the time this corrective action is ignored, and the barkers will continue regardless of the enforcer's efforts to stop it. This case and the proceeding one demonstrate that the impulse to bark is much stronger than the threat of pain, and the lesser dogs will bark despite its risks.

When a pack of dogs manages to break out of a yard they will instinctively hunt a mailman in wolf pack style. It doesn't matter how large the dogs are, they still believe that they are wolves and behave as such. Don't laugh, but I was once stalked by a wolfpack consisting of three chihuahuas. The dogs formed a ring around me, blocking all of my escape routes, and then proceeded to nip at my heels in the hope of eventually wearing me down so that I could be consumed at leisure. Dealing with one chihuahua is easy enough, but taking on an entire pack is another story. I imagine that in nature wild wolves will use the same strategy to bring down a deer, a caribou, or some other such prey item. Having been potential prey myself, I now understand why they do so. It is a very effective tactic. I only escaped when the owner came out, but before he called off the dogs he chastised me for being afraid of chihuahuas. He had his mail put on hold. Being hunted and stalked by wolves, even miniature ones, is no laughing matter!

Postal issue dog spray does not work. A sprayed dog will simply blink once or twice and then continue with its rude behavior. A foot is a much more effective weapon, especially when you have a size fifteen foot like me! I once drop-kicked a miniature Doberman that escaped from a yard with the intention of consuming me. I scored a direct hit, and felt like Adam Vinatieri kicking a Super Bowl winning field goal. The mini-Doberman did about four or five flips in the air, landed painfully upon its fuzzy back, and then retreated into its yard, all of its bluster and taste for human flesh apparently having been kicked out of it. A cable repairman who just happened to be watching me from down the street was extremely impressed. "That was &%@#!!! awesome!" he cheered. "I hate those little &#@*!!!!" This was one of the most satisfying experiences of my postal career, especially because I had spectators.

Don't get the mistaken notion that all dogs are bad. There are some pooches that love the mailman, even though they bark at everyone else. This latter category is evidently well fed, and does not require mailman flesh to supplement a substandard diet.

A word to all of the wise doggies out there in doggie land! Mailman flesh is not appetizing! it is tough and stringy and does not digest well. In 9 out of ten documented cases Its consumption results in heartburn, or even more severe digestive problems. You are better off eating squirrel, opossum, skunk, or even roadkill. All of you dog owners out there please teach your pooches to leave the mailman alone, for their own good.

Just a few inspirational comments I thought might enlighten you on the ongoing battle between mailman and mongrel.

Mel.

Do you agree with the United States Postal Service's strict dog policy?

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)