Office Adventures Part 2
Today I lit a garbage pail on fire.
I was sitting outside at about noon, puffing away at my cigarette, happily going into chatter box mode on my cellphone with my gal pal. We were gossiping about who said what, and who did what the night before.
After taking in a final puff, I clicked my phone shut, and went to the town garbage pail to flick my cigarette into it. I mean hey, I'm no litter bug. This town already is half in the dumps, why help it get there completely?
Anyhow back to the pail.
It sits right square on the sidewalk in my window view right in front of my office.
This pail and I have a love hate relationship. That negativity I face when it comes to this pail mostly comes more from the town garbage man who insists on pulling our magazines from the pail and dumping them on the sidewalk for me to pick up in the morning. That story though is for another day.
Today, I lit that fucker up.
You see when I went to put my cigarette out on the pails outer lid, instead of the hot cherry part of my cigarette landing on the sidewalk, it instead went plummeting into the depths of the pail. All the way down south. No, no, no.
Instead of bothering with it, I being the lazy ass that I am, decided that the tip of the cigg was small, and likely it would just puff out on it's own. Yerp.
An hour went by and I didn't think nothin' of it.
Then all of a sudden I take a look out my window, and notice the fucking pail is smoking!!!!
Before running outside to see what the hell was causing the smoke, I thought of Pauly Shore and an old line he used in Encino Man:
(I knew that shit was on fire).
I went outside, smacked the pails flap in to take a look at the damages.
Oh man! I lit it up. I saw the dance of flames. I knew I couldn't sit there staring at it. I had to do something, and I had to do something fast.
I kept thinking the worst of possibilities as I dipped our office's empty coffee pot into the toilet bowl. I had no choice, I couldn't wait for the damn fawcett to fill it up!
I kept thinking of the fire going on outside in the pail; what if someone dumped a hairspray bottle in there, or an aerosol paint can from those fucking shitty graffiti works of shart kids?
What if the flames ignite it and there is a huge explosion? What if that explosion causes a car to set fire and explode? What if my cigg manages to take out all of main street!?!?!!?
I ran outside with my coffee pot filled with toilet water, smacked open the opening in the garbage can and sprinkled the piss water onto the flames. Smoke filled my eyes, and I ran back inside for another dip at the toilet bowl.
I figured by now, someone would see all of the commotion and try to help, or better yet, call the fire department.
Cars though whizzed by without so much as turning a head (can you believe it, a fire does not cause them to turn their heads, but a 16 year old in some ass tight jeans walking by with her asshole sticking out in the air like a duck, and heads turn all damn day (fucking shitbag pedopervs).
By round 2 of the toilet water, the fire was pretty much out, the smoke though continued to rise, and I kept running back and forth with my coffee pot, and my piss water just to make sure nothing re-ignited.
It's now almost time to check out, and I reek of smoke and I'm sure no matter how hard I scrubbed there are traces of poop and piss on my hands from the water.
Ahh; she kicks her feet up on her desk...just another day in the office.
I love it! Welcome back- it's Monday, and the fun has just begun.