Pizza Delivery: Words of Wisdom from a Pizza Girl
People take us for granted.
It's true. We bring you your food in a timely manner (unless you get a crappy driver), it's nice and hot and fresh (again, unless you get a crappy driver), and we use our personal cars to bring your food to you. We have to put up with possible dog bites, crazy people, deer, the occasional already-dead skunk, lack of house numbers on mailboxes, dead zones, and really shitty weather. It is our job to make sure you get your food as swiftly as possible and that it is as fresh as can be. And yet, there are quite a number of people who treat us like crap.
I mean, seriously, we brought you din-din. Why are you griping?
I've been delivering pizzas for a year and a half. I enjoy delivering pizzas, mostly because I can't be in one place for too long, else I go stir crazy. I love reading the maps to find places I don't know about, and finding faster ways to get everywhere. It's pure ecstasy to me to be able to meet new people, see new houses, entertain kids when they come to answer the door for Mommy and Daddy.
That last one's because they're so dang funny! Though, it does get annoying when they keep yelling, "Pizza man! Pizza man!" when I'd already told them I'm a girl...
In my experience, I have discovered a number of problems with the pizza delivery business. A few have to do with the concept of letting more people than necessary touch your food; that right there grosses me out a little. But for the most part, the problems revolve around the people we deliver to. So I spoke with my coworkers and we have decided we at Domino's Pizza of Cambridge, MN, would like to share with our clients exactly what we think of their behaviors, and give some advice to the general populous on the correct way to treat your pizza delivery driver.
Don't mind us if these sound rather rude; it's not like we don't have rude people of our own, we're just sharing their rudeness with you guys.
No, I don't mean the kind you see in books. I mean you should always acknowledge your driver. I have had people who wouldn't even speak to me as I handed their food over. Why, I have no idea, but it's happened, and it drove me nuts.
How would you like it if the roles were reversed? Even better, how would you like it if your driver didn't say a single word to you? No "Hello, how are you tonight?" or "Your total is..." or "Thank you very much, have a great night!" How would that make you feel?
- All of the above?
Now you know how I felt.
It's inconsiderably rude to be silent when someone is trying to give you something. Even worse are those who do speak, but are just plain barbaric. The ones who speak in monosyllabic sentences. Yeah. How they ever survived evolution is way beyond me.
We're trying to be friendly, people. That's part of our job. Me, I'm just plain bubbly no matter what. Even to those arses who annoy me so bad, I want to hit them over the head with my pizza bag. It's in the job description. But just because we have to be nice, doesn't mean you can't return the favor. It won't kill you to greet us back, or to enjoy a little conversation. It keeps our day from being too boring.
Besides, when we return to the store, we will tell the other drivers about you. Would you rather they heard nice things, or complaints?
Ah, yes. Who doesn't like being complimented? We drove all the way to your house with your food, just for you. A little appreciation and complimentation is well deserved, don't you think?
I can understand if your driver is late that you would rather belittle him/her for their tardiness, but come on; maybe traffic sucked monkey nuts, or the weather is really bad, or the store got swamped with orders and they had to stay a little bit to help out. Being late happens. No one can tell me they have never been late to ANYTHING in their entire lives.
The fact of the matter is, even if we're late, your food is still fine, still fresh, still hot. Now, if we're an hour late, it might not be so fresh. But if we're an hour late, we would have called you and warned you about the delay. No one's that inconsiderate in our business. Well, besides the Jimmy's Pizza in Isanti... But I'm not going to get into their troubles. It's not my job to spread gossip.
As I was saying, we have specially designed delivery bags that are made to keep your delectables nice and hot. There should be no reason whatsoever that your food is not still hot, or at least warm enough to eat immediately. There are people who will call in to the store to complain that their food has gone cold, even though it nearly burned our fingers as we pulled it out of the bag. And trust me, I have been burned by the bottom of a pizza box before. That's how well those stupid bags work.
Anywho, when we get to your door, it would be nice if you said something approving to us. Are we early? Comment on it. Is the food still super hot? Comment on it. Did we explain why we were a little late? Comment on it. Thank us. After all, it's not like we actually had to bring you food. They don't have to employ pizza drivers; it's a priviledge, not a right. Let us know you appreciate us bringing you your food.
Of course, there's always the possibility you could get off your lazy butt and get the food yourself, thus eliminating the middleman... But hey, that would make me obsolete, and I happen to enjoy my tips, thank you very much.
Pets and Children
Both of these adorable specimens can create problems for us. I love petting people's dogs and talking to little munchkins, but when they're about to barrel me over with food and drink in hand, I'm not exactly the happiest camper.
The biggest issue with pets, in my opinion, is the possibility of running them over. I have to have the largest bleeding heart out of everyone I know; if I ran over someone's dog, I'd cry like a schoolgirl for DAYS. Thankfully, I have never hit a dog or a cat, just a baby skunk. ... And even then, I bawled like a wuss and got laughed at by my boyfriend and his mother because of it. But that's a story for another day.
Another important point to bring up is the chance of being bit. The smart people have Beware of Dog(s) signs up for us to see, so we can look out for the canine(s) in question and may call if we see them shooting straight for our vehicles. The dense people, on the other hand, don't think about this. Sure, putting your animal on a chain works, but not if the chain reaches the door. We kind of need to get to that door, you know... If you have a dog that is aggressive, please give us fair warning. Tell the person taking your order. They will put it into our computers, letting the drivers know we may need to be cautious before opening our car door and exiting our vehicles.
I've never been bit by a dog, but I have had ones on leads lunge at me with rabid ferocity in their snarls and eyes. It's scary as hell, people.
Moving on, we have the kids. Kids can be both a blessing and a curse. The younger ones are fun; they like to try to impress us with their squirrely ways and silly verses. Sometimes they even give us hugs. But those same kids like to leave their bikes in the driveway and run around your car when you're trying to skedaddle out of there. The toys in the drive aren't so bad, if the kids are out and smart enough to move them. If they're not, they can provide an excellent obstacle course. Running those pesky plastic doodads over can harm our cars' underbodies and tires. Do I look like I can afford a new car? Heck no, I deliver pizzas for a living. I can barely afford my monthly credit card bill with a limit of $500.
The older ones, such as teenagers (yes, I am going to bash my own age group), are more annoying in the money department. When they're buying food on their own, they don't always think of tips. The tip is the main reason we bother driving in the first place. There are also delivery charges, but those are NOT the same as tips. Get that? NOT the same. NOT. NOT NOT NOT.
People who think they are reeeeeeeally annoy us.
A delivery charge means the store is paying us to deliver your food. It is their way of reembursing us for gas and whatever we may need for our car, like oil, coolant, windshield washer fluid, yada yada yada. All that petty stuff people don't really think about. The store is paying us. That money does indeed end up in our wallets, but it is not from you, technically. The tip is from you. The tip is your way of thanking us, besides saying "Thank you."
I'll go more into tips later.
The moral of the story is: keep your pets in the house and your teenagers away from the telephones.
Oh boy... Drunks. What to say, what not to say...
Drunks, like children, are both a blessing and a curse. For one, they tend to tip a helluva lot better. For two, they sometimes get their flirt on super bad, at least for us girls. Which sucks when you're the only female driver in the store. >.<
If you're drinking with your buddies and you're hankering for pizza, PLEASE ask for delivery. Drunks in the store are loud, obnoxious, and sometimes a little off-kilter. Not much of a happy-fun time if there's a family eating over in the corner. Though, if you do call in for pizza, have someone not as drunk as you call, will you? You may think you sound okay, but to us, it's nothing but slurred words and half strewn sentences.
From a girl's perspective, we'd rather deal with the sober customers. Generally when you get a group of drunks, they're guys. And when guys get drunk, almost anything with two legs and what just may be boobs is worth hitting on. And when us girl drivers get hit on, we're not going to deliver to your house anymore, especially if it's lewd. Not everyone likes to have their tits talked about, boys.
Another thing drunks tend to do is offer us a drink, too. Come on, turn your brain on for a bit, please. We can't drink while we're on the job. Everyone knows the rules about drinking and driving. Plus, not all of us are of age to be drinking. If we're caught inebriated while working, we will be fired. So don't offer us drinks, we're just going to say no anyway.
Ah, we have reached the end of my rather long rant: the all-important tip.
Like I said before, most stores have delivery charges. In case you're wondering why your pizza is a little more expensive than what you thought it would be, we will always explain that there is a delivery charge, and it is the store's way of paying its drivers for the use of their personal car and gas. We don't get company cars; we have to use our own. And trust me, my car is a huge pile of crap.
... But don't tell her that, Velma gets really testy when I insult her...
The average idea for tips is 10-20% of your total. Now, if your total is less than $10, we're going to beat you up for giving us pocket change. Poor Dave gets at least 4 runs of pocket change. Lucky Kika usually gets $3-$5 a run. Ah, the joys of being female...
Aaaaanyway, the tip is your way of reimbursing us. Yes, the store reimburses us, but don't you think you should chip in a little, too? I mean, you did force us to drive out to your house because you couldn't get in your own car and use your own gas, thus making us use up the gas we paid for. A delivery charge only pays for the drive out there, not the drive back. Here at Domino's in Cambridge, it's $1.99 a run, then an additional $.50 if you're out in the country or in Isanti, which is 7 miles from Cambridge. Even then, that extra half dollar doesn't come from your wallet, it comes directly from the store's till. That's all we get, folks. It's not like we're stealing a crap-ton of money from you.
Your best bet is to tip in that $3-$5 range. Maybe I just get lucky every night or something, because that's generally my average, while the boys tend to make about $2 a run. Or it could be that female factor. Who knows? ;)
We get a lot of stiffs, too. Stiffs are exactly as they sound: no tip. Stiffers annoy the bejeebers out of us. As I said before, that delivery charge only covers one way. By stiffing us, you are forcing us to pay more for gas than should be necessary. Anything above a dollar is well appreciated. Everything below will get you snide complaints back at the store and words of warning to the other drivers.
Why would you want to stiff a driver, anyway? Think rationally about this a minute...
- We know where you live.
- We will remember how to get to your house.
- We know all the best pranks for cars, yards, houses, and pets.
- We can easily acquire anything required for said pranks.
- Did I mention we know where you live?
We have reached the end of my extensive little rant (aha, I made a funny!), and I really, REALLY hope you learned something from this. Preferably, how to tip your driver. Because stiffers have been known to get flat tires a lot more often than you would think... ;)
Okay, that was a joke. We don't usually do anything to the stiffers besides gripe about them behind their backs. But this should teach you all a valuable lesson on how to treat your pizza driver!
Enjoy your freshly delivered food, and may your house never be egged! At least, not by us.