Proven Ways to Rid Your Life of Telemarketers

I am not about being ugly toward anyone. Not even the stray dog that runs free in the neighborhood scouting for a hand-out.

And to add the “icing on the cake,” I am really, at heart, a person who strives to be friendly to people I meet.

But, besides people running for political office, there is another group of people that really “get under my skin.”

And I think you know of whom I am speaking. The telemarketers. Yeah, those people.

Did you forget them?

Well, thanks to someone much wiser than me, the “No Call List,” was a stroke of genius. I really mean it. There is no telling at the hours of endless, annoying, and pointless hours this one thing saved us free American’s when we were tucked-in safe and snug in our own homes.

As I believe it, this “No Call List,” is a list of people who do NOT want any calls, anytime, about anything from any telemarketer working for any company.

But sadly, some of the more-intelligent telemarketer groups have found a neat loophole or two in this list and recently “I” have been the “victim,” (yes, “victim.” I call it like I see it) of a few die-hard telemarketers who literally have to have skin as thick as three inches for how they continue to call me and get the same result: “no thanks.”

For example. This nameless credit card company has called me almost three times a week and it’s the same spill: “time is running out on our low interest rate offer. Hit “one” for live operator to discuss how much you can save by saying “yes,” to this block-buster deal that we are offering.”

Okay. I did in fact, hit “one,” for a live operator. I guess that meant a human operator for a lifeless operator would be of no use to me or their company.

And sure enough, this live operator came on the line, “yes, is this Kenneth?” “yes,” I would reply. “and how much credit card debt do you owe?” the live operator would ask.

“none,” I would reply each time this company would call me during the daytime.

“none?” live operator would gasp.

“right. None,” I’d reply.

And before live operator could regroup into giving me a “Jim Dandy” sales pitch for a credit card that has, as you may know, “no annual fees,” I would quickly ask, “why do you keep calling me when I do “not” use any credit card?”

Then the cold sound of live operator hanging-up on me and continuing her search for another “sucker.”

This harassments finally stopped. And I am still not using a credit card from anyone.

But a few years ago, long before the “No Call List,” was launched, “I” came up with a few ingenious ways to frustrate the endless parade of telemarketers who made it their goal to sell me anything and everything ranging from a remote lawnmower to a robot chef “that my wife would have loved,” according to the telemarketer.

So I extend a hearty-welcome to you to enjoy (and use) my “Proven Ways to Rid Your Life of Telemarketers.”

1.) START YELLING as if you were yelling at someone in the room with you. When the telemarketer says, “what’s going on?” You say, “what do you mean? I am talking to you,” and yell again. Soon, this telemarketer will realize that you are “not the tire in the car with the most tread,” and hang up.

2.) SELL THE TELEMARKETER some bogus item that you are selling. Give them time to give you their sales pitch, then you go into your speech about a product you are selling that is the “best thing since fresh lettuce.” Do not give up. Even if the telemarketer gets irritated. And they will. Mark my words, but they will soon “throw in the towel,” and you can relax.

3.) WHISPER YOUR ANSWERS to the telemarketer. Talk about “creeping them out.” This move will do that. Ask if you can take them out to dinner. And when. Act romantic and sultry. Your telemarketer worries may be a thing of the past.

4.) GET A BLOW-DRYER (remember those?) and blow the hot air directly into the phone. “I can’t hear you that well,” the telemarketer will complain. “oh, it’s just the wind. I am in my expensive Rolls Royce convertible,” and I wager that you will not be buying a newly-found “cure for common mange,” found in most stray dogs.
And with number 5, below, you can sharpen your acting skills and have a great time freeing yourself of pesky telemarketers.

5.) IN A LOUD, ANGRY VOICE say, “how did you get “this” number?” Do not give the telemarketer time to respond. Again, and much-louder, “I said, where did “you” get “this number?” We are on a high-level detective operation and unless you want “us” to trace the number you are using, I suggest that you get lost.” Great news. The telemarketer “will” get lost.

6.) SING THE WORST SONG YOU CAN FIND to the telemarketer and then have the gall to ask if they have a request. By now the telemarketer is in shock. Then hit them with “you need to charge” for singing on the phone, so you will need their credit card number and as soon as you say this, listen for a familiar silence on their end of the phone.

7.) SAY THIS IN A DEEP BASS VOICE: “do you “really” want to know whom you are talking to?” “Do ya’?” If the telemarketer is a pro, he or she will be persistent, but each time they start-up again, get a lot more deeper with your voice and say, “if you only knew who I was, you would start a new job tomorrow selling cars.” If you do your job, this telemarketer will quit his job at the end of the day and start working for “Lucky Eddie’s Best Deals on Four Wheels,” a used car lot somewhere in Phoenix.

8.) BE SO EVASIVE that the telemarketer will literally “lose it.” Example: Telemarketer: Sir, may I talk to you for only a minute? YOU: Who? Telemarketer: You, sir. YOU: I don’t need a job, son. I am fixed good monetarily. Telemarketer: No, sir. This isn’t about a job. YOU: Hey, bub, I ain’t never played Lurch on The Addams Family, so I think you have a wrong number. Keep this up as long as you can and before long, your dream of having a quiet, relaxing day without any calls from any telemarketers will become a reality.

9.) LEAD THE TELEMARKETER in prayer. As much as he can stand. After he starts trying to get you to buy the newest appliance on the market, “an electronic apple skinner,” stop him and say, “son, we need to pray.” Then pray. The telemarketer will not know how to handle this and after a few prayers, he will be the one leaving.

10.) DO IMPRESSION OF BARACK OBAMA and you will be treated to a telemarketer gasp in shock, wheeze in disbelief and after you say, “son, you don’t need to be calling the Commander-in-Chief on his day off at his secret cabin, so good day.” You will then have unspeakable peace and President Obama will appreciate the free voice ad.

As an bonus to these “Proven Ways to Rid Your Life of a Telemarketer,” I am throwing-in this list of asinine questions that you can ask any telemarketer between his looking to see what the finance charges are on your “new commode polishing kit.”

And when you ask these questions, do not chuckle or even sound like you are holding back a laugh.

1.) Can you name the second man to climb Mount Everest?
2.) Who owns Purina Pet Foods?
3.) Can you speak fluent Portuguese?
4.) What country is named after a donkey?
5.) Do chickens really not have teeth?
6.) Does ground-up rhinoceros horns make good vitamins for men with stamina problems in the bedroom?
7.) Do you believe Elvis is really dead?
8.) Do you think Bozo, the Clown is really in hiding somewhere in Mexico?
9.) Can I teach my Jack Russell, “Joe,” how to talk?
10.) How much money to you make?

Now that I have pretty-much set you up with several defensive tips to use against telemarketers, plus the ten bonus asinine questions you can ask to further irritate your salesperson, I guess you are wondering, “how much is Kenneth going to charge me for all of this information?”

Not a red cent.

Not a penny, my friend

.
This package is free of charge and “with no strings attached.”

Just one of my followers being given a day or night of peace with no telemarketers bothering them will be payment enough.

But if taking all of my information that took loads of time to research, free, bothers you, then you might think about sending me a bucket of Bojangle’s spicy chicken on OverNight by FedEx.

All of this priceless information for the mere cost of a bucket of chicken.

Now that’s what I call a great deal.

When I do something to help my followers, it is no “poultry deal.”

Thanks for allowing me to visit with you.