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Questions NOT to ask an I.R.S. Representative at Your Audit

Updated on April 16, 2014

Is this you?

living in frustration and fear because you received "the" most powerful, feared letter that could ever be sent: Your letter from the I.R.S. telling you that you are going to be audited for a certain year and upon reading this letter, you almost faint.

Who wouldn't faint? It has been said that the I.R.S. wields more power than the F.B.I. or even the President of the United States. Only the C.I.A. has more power.

Consider this a free self-help guide to help you with this dreaded-day rolls around. This guide will tell you

  1. What clothes to wear to your audit.
  2. What to say and certainly what not to say or ask the I.R.S. agent when you are being audited.
  3. How to present yourself.
  4. How to remain calm at the I.R.S. agent's straight-forward questions.

Some I.R.S. actions have led to protests

What not to wear to your tax audit - for women

  • A plain pantsuit or skirt ensemble, but nothing flashy and flirty. The I.R.S. agent is not there to be bribed with sexual favors, but to be respected by you and maybe by respecting him or her, you might catch a break.
  • No a lot of make-up. Moderate eyeliner, foundation, is the key. You do not want to come off looking like a highly-paid prostitute for the agent's red flag will suddenly pop-up sending him signals that you make more money than you claimed on your tax report.
  • No flashy jewelry. This is another dangerous signal to be sent to the I.R.S. agent.
  • No sexy high heels, just plain flats (cannot be I said that) on your feet.

I.R.S. can seize cars, property, and livestock if needed

What not to wear to your tax audit - men only

  • No open-front shirts revealing a hairy-chest. No I.R.S. agent, female or male appreciates a throwback to the Disco Era, so dress in moderate sport clothes, a nice three-piece suit, but not too expensive-looking. You want to be seen as an average taxpayer, not a "weekend celebrity"
  • No shorts like those worn by Jimmy Buffet. That will get you off on the wrong foot and that is not a good place to be with the I.R.S.
  • Flip-flops are out. Wear sensible shoes such as loafers, lace-up slippers and such. Look like a responsible man.
  • Just a tee-shirt and cut-off jeans will get you a hefty fine by the I.R.S. agent because (as in the women's case) he is to be respected because he is not there to harass you, but help you.

What not to say, questions not to ask the I.R.S. agent

What not to say to the I.R.S. agent - for men and women

  1. Hey, doll. How ya' doing? - Do not say this if you are a man or woman
  2. My name is "G.G Blaze," I pole dance for a living - girls, the I.R.S. agent already knows this. He, the agent, might have frequented your club in his off-time.
  3. Hi, bud! Care for a cigarette? - Please, men. Do not start off your audit like this.
  4. Do you think I am famous? - And this, I beg of you men, do not say this because the I.R.S. agent might deem you stupid.

Questions not to ask the I.R.S. agent - for men and women

  • Care to walk me to the ladies room? Bad start, ladies. The I.R.S. agent will be glad to show you how to get to the restroom, but do not ask him to take you there.
  • Does this short-skirt make my thighs look fat? - Women, you know better. Just what if the I.R.S. agent is gay, then what will you do?
  • Does the two-million my aunt left me count as income? - Men, are you really that dumb?
  • If I turn in some of my friends who are really cheating you guys, will you give me some slack?

The photos to the right show you that the I.R.S.

is not to be trifled with. They are all about no-nonsense tax work and if some taxpayers get a little bold with not filing on certain lucrative land deals, well, the I.R.S. knows how to deal with them.

The I.R.S. has the power to

  1. Raid your home or business and secure cars, tax, income records, land, livestock.
  2. Go back as far as they want in your tax-reportings, so do things right and you will breathe easier.
  3. Question you about any deduction they want.

Things the I.R.S. will not tolerate

  1. A loud-mouth who talks non-stop at the audit.
  2. Abrasive talk such as profane words aimed at the I.R.S. agent and his bosses.
  3. Threats. Now this, "Mr. Foolish Thinker," will get you in hot water fast with the I.R.S. and Homeland Security.
  4. Girls and guys making-out in the I.R.S. agent's presence.
  5. Open or secret attempts to bribe the I.R.S. agent. This one carries a hefty jail sentence.
  6. Unqualified "lawyers," who know as much about the I.R.S. and Federal Tax laws as a common tree.
  7. Unpunctual people who were to be at the audit by 9 a.m. sharp, but show-up nearing 11 a.m. and offering no excuse, just a goofy smile on their faces.
  8. Taxpayers who are obviously under the influence of drugs or booze.
  9. Uncooperative taxpayers.

NOTE: Keep this story handy just in case you are sent a letter of audit by the I.R.S. I am only trying to help many innocent taxpayers avoid a nasty arrest and jail sentence levied by the I.R.S.

And by the way, "I.R.S. and all of your employees . . . I love you all!"

Have you ever been audited by the I.R.S.?

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    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      I am very sorry to hear that about your husband. Wish I had the power to snap my fingers and it be healed.

      Yes, sometimes doctors are wrong, but not that often. Anyway, I have been blessed with The Best Followers on HubPages and I have felt like writing for the past few days, so I am so happy to see YOU on here.

      I will pray for you and your husband. Thank you for sharing with me.



    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

      I am so very sorry to hear of your health problems. It sure makes it tough to stay on top of everything. Let's just hope the doctors are wrong! I know the feeling; second-hand. My husband has a chronic condition as well, and it's rough going and so frustrating for him.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      DzyMsLizzy . . . you are so sweet to leave me such a great comment. I loved it.

      And I have really missed you. I have not felt well in the past months and doctors say that I will never be well, but while I felt like hubbing, I wanted to do as many as I could.

      It was so great to see you.



    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

      Good points--I've never been in that position, and hope I never am.

      Well played with humor and common sense in a perfect blend.

      Voted up, interesting, funny and useful.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Sheila, my friend,

      you are very welcome. Honestly, I am here for that reason. To make only one person laugh. Because in today's society there is so much stress, anxiety and trouble that a laugh helps.

      I am not boasting at all.

      But knowing that you laughed, make me feel complete.

      Thanks again. And write or visit anytime.


    • profile image

      sheilamyers 4 years ago

      I know an audit is no laughing matter, but thanks for the good laugh.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Grand Old Lady, (again, you are not old), you may have a point. How do I go about copyrighting my material?

      Would you find out and message me about it.

      Thanks for your comment.



    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 4 years ago from Philippines

      Lol. Better copyright your stuff. Some stand up comedian might find he can get good material just going through your hubs.