Satan's New Job: Working For The Dept. of Motor Vehicles
WRITER'S NOTE: This hub, a work of pure fiction, was inspired by one of my newest followers, the very-talented and giving, wirewoman. A sincere 'thanks' to you, wirewoman for suggesting this idea. (Kenneth Avery).
When we last visited with Satan . . .
he was working in a lucrative job at some Burger King, I forget the town name. But ol' Lucifer was going wide-open. Working day and night. Making his bosses tons of money. Pleasing all of 'that' Burger King's customers with a smile and a wink. That Satan. What a worker. And thanks to the Federal Government's Equal Opportunity Employment Act, Satan can work as long as he desires--cooking burgers, training to be the night manager (he is allergic to the daylight, you see) and working his way to the top as the manager, maybe district manager with his dedicated, team-player mindset. 'Sky's the limit,' for Satan since he is, after all, the prince of the air.
But as in all things planned by man and shady entities like Satan, someone, a trainee at this Burger King, who just happened to be well-read in the Holy Scriptures, got suspicious of Satan and began to ask questions. Tough questions. About Satan's uncanny ability to always win an argument with a customer who 'thought' they were short-changed. Or their order was not right. This new employee's eyes were open to watch Satan come in and leave his work site as he pleased with no one in management saying word to him. Yes, the 'jig was up,' for Satan. Time to 'pay the Devil his dues.' The young, wise Burger King trainee brought all these things to the sharp-attention of the zone manager of that Burger King's location, a Mr. Dupree, and as fate would have it, Dupree was also minister, and knew the Bible like the he knew the best lettuce, believed the trainee's stories, including the breath-taking incident of Satan actually cooking the burgers with fire from his hands.
That story sealed Satan's fate with Burger King. Mr. Dupree, thought it unsafe and libelous to employ Satan at his establishment, so he had no choice but to do the right thing. Satan was sent packing. Now in search of a new job where he could do what he wanted. To anyone he wanted. At anytime he wanted. As for 'Billy Lazarus,' the Burger King trainee, he was instantly promoted to assistant manager and the restaurant began to operate much smoother. Safer. And better for Dupree and everyone concerned.
After a day or two of searching . . .
Satan hit the 'mother lode of jobs,' a position at the local Department of Motor Vehicles, or DMV, as it is lovingly-called by it's numerous of obligatory customers. Satan, in his interview with 'Judy G. Ullible,' the DMV Human Resources manager, passed his employment test with flying colors. The peck of fresh, sweet red apples given to 'Judy,' as a token for Satan's appreciation for being interviewed, didn't hurt any. Rumor had it later that 'Judy,' a happily-married young woman of six years, suddenly wanted a divorce from her husband, "Addam," to go away and be free to pursue other life mate choices. Satan was the number one candidate, but had to slyly decline as he wanted, very badly, to work for the DMV, a secret dream that he had since he was booted out of Heaven. Who knows the mind of Satan and what quirky dreams he has?
It was pure paradise. Satan, in his clever disguise as 'H. Umble Seoul," a meek, soft-soften man of an obscure lifestyle, took to the operations of the DMV as it he were born there. Even the seasoned vets of the DMV, who are known to be slow in serving their clients, were amazed at Satan's, I mean, 'H. Umble Seoul's' quick-study when it came to operating the outdated computer systems, filing needless paperwork just to eat up time, and flying through the verbal training by his training supervisor, 'F. Allen Mann,' with ease of a God-gifted Russian ballet dancer. He was just that wise. And swift.
In no time soon, 'H. Umble Seoul,' was in-line for a promotion. That was a living miracle. No one ever gets in-line for promotions at the DMV, but 'H. Umble Seoul,' knew how to talk the language of the bosses of the DMV. He knew their strengths. Mostly weaknesses. 'H. Umble Seoul,' was confident, sure of himself, and was never known to back-down from a challenge. Most new employees, and old employees alike of the DMV are not that known for their taking on new challenges like serving their customers with efficiency, precision, and a genuine smile. These are unspoken taboo among DMV staffers. But 'H. Umble Seoul,' easily-convinced the DMV bosses who make "a" tough decision, once a month, to let him revamp the office where he was working as an assistant to the assistant paperwork category supervisor, to make his department run better, not better than ever, because the next degree above 'good' is better. Understand? I promise. I am not writing this in the usual complicated jargon of the DMV.
Things were going great . . .
and I mean great with a capital "g." People were happy, talking about customers. This event, the customers being happy, was so unusual, that the local CBS affiliate dispatched a news crew to the office of the DMV where 'H. Umble Seoul,' was working, to do an interview with this 'mover and shaker,' 'strong influence of men and women,' 'driving force of the upgrade' in the DMV. 'H. Umble Seoul,' was very selfless in his remarks. "I give all the credit to my human resources manager, Judy G. Ullible, when she does work, and Mr. F. Allen Mann, for his support in my new ideas for the DMV that will enable us to be better civil servants," he said looking at the floor, a sure-sign of an humble 'man.' The news story was the lead story in that evening's newscast and even made the CBS Evening News, with Scott Pellley, who always looks good in a suit. Yes, the DMV was a new department thanks to 'H. Umble Seoul.' A department to be envied by any and all of the other state departments. There was even talk of 'H. Umble Seoul,' being nominated for Employee of The Year and other awards, that until he started work at the DMV, were unheard of.
Just when things couldn't get any better . . .
news came down from the Governor's office of Public Service that the State Inspector, "Jonah Lazarus," "Billy Lazarus'" uncle, (remember Billy? He was the trainee at the Burger King who helped to get Satan dismissed), was going to pay the DMV where 'H. Umble Seoul,' worked, a visit. A serious visit. An inspection to end all inspections. To find out just how and why the DMV that until lately was slow, inefficient, and got the most complaints of any state-based department, was now the 'darling' of the state departments. DMV clients were abuzz in coffee shops--talking about how the DMV had changed. Literally overnight. Some DMV customers began sending cards of thanks to 'H. Umble Seoul,' for his refreshing changes he had made at the DMV.
Talk was, on the day that 'Jonah Lazarus' arrived at the DMV, the silence was deafening. The only thing you could hear was the older employees who worked in the back of the office--snoring, fast-asleep from doing a few days of honest-to-God, 'real' work. 'Judy G. Ullible,' had taken one of her many sick days on the day that 'Jonah Lazarus' was to inspect the DMV. Judy could have a brainstorm every now and again.
"I want to talk to, this, 'H. Umble Seoul. Now,' barked 'Jonah Lazarus with his lips tight as a barrel ring. Lazrus was an austere man. A no-nonsense man. A man who wanted, and got, order in all the offices of the DMV, when he was on location, but sadly, when he went back to the state capitol, things returned to their old ways--slow, inefficient and sour to customers.
"You wanted to see me, sir?" 'H. Umble Seoul,' asked with a soft tone.
"You bet, I want to see you! Come with me. You other employees wake up and do your jobs--Now! And 'Seoul,' walk two paces behind me,' Lazarus ordered as the two walked in perfect rhythm to a private office for what was to be, according to the DMV security guard, 'Old Jebb Cypher,' who had been there at the DMV, for over fifteen months, "a real butt burner." Cyper's job was also a mystery of employee gossip for there wasn't anything valuable in the DMV for any self-respecting thief to steal. Some knowing DMV employees said behind covered mouths that someone in state government, not 'Jonah Lazarus,' owed Cyper a huge favor and gave him this 'job' as pay-back.
Hours passed. The clock on the wall ticked, tocked . . .
the time away. DMV staffers sweated. Worried. Some paced the small office area out of what might come out of this private meeting between 'Jonah Lazarus,' and their buddy-in-arms, 'H. Umble Seoul.'
The time was nearing 4:15 p.m., almost quitting time for DMV employees. But actually, 5 p.m. had been the normal quitting time for many years, but with the long lines of complaining customers, it served the embattled DMV employees better to just leave at 4:30 to give the long lines of complaining customers time to cool off.
The door to the solitary private office slowly opened. You could hear every squeak of the rusty hinges. Out walked a peaceful-looking, 'Jonah Lazarus,' and 'H. Umble Seoul.' The other DMV employees almost gasped in disbelief out loud, but that would be grounds for more overtime, so they kept silent as the two parties shook hands and 'Lazarus,' left.
A look of relief poured on the faces of 'H. Umble Seoul,' and the DMV staff who now were almost asleep with stress. "Uhh, cough, what, uh, happened in there, Seoul?" 'Old Jebb Cypher' said managing to stay awake long enough to get his question out of his mouth.
'H. Umble Seoul,' grinned like a shy schoolboy who has his first crush on his first sweetheart, 'Mildred Pinkard,' and softly replied, "Oh, uh, Mr. Cypher, sir, it was really nothing at all. Mr. Lazarus just wanted me to explain to him about the new changes we are using in our offices."
"Did, uh, you, cough, cough, wheeze, cough, get into any, cough, trouble? We all know that Jonah Lazarus, can be a 'devil' when he wants to be," replied a drowsy Jebb Cypher who finally 'gave up the ghost,' and fell (back) to sleep.
'H. Umble Seoul,' appreciated one particular part of Cypher's comment: the line about Lazarus being 'a devil,' when he wanted to be. 'Seoul,' wondered to himself if Cypher hadn't seen through his clever disguise and knew all-along that he was Satan, but that worry was soon squashed as he and the DMV staff left in the middle of the evening for the day.
But, the next morning . . .
at the DMV, something had changed. Drastically. Obviously. Dreadfully. And in plain-sight of everyone, including the new, long lines of customers who now complained with the customers from the day before who had not been served at the DMV. The DMV staff, what staff members showed up for work, stared and listened in disbelief. Oh, 'Judy G. Ullible,' human resources manager, took another needed-sick day to get over the sick-day before.
There stood 'H. Umble Seoul,' sneering, scowling, growling, clawing, throwing files, stomping his feet, snapping at customers, yelling at people to 'pipe down, or else,' he was a new man. A changed man. What a dark mystery. What a subject of gossip at the one of many coffee breaks for DMV employees that day.
Finally, a mister 'I.C. Kleerly,' a DMV vet for over six weeks, said, "H. Umble, what is the matter? Did Mr. Lazarus chew your butt out yesterday?"
"No," replied 'H. Umble Seoul," "Mr. Lazarus told me the ONE thing that I was NOT doing in my job," 'H. Umble Seoul' explained.
"What was that?" 'Kleerly,' asked sipping a Seven-up cola.
"Mr. Lazarus told me that I would be dismissed, if I didn't start being MYSELF," 'H. Umble Seoul' said with an evil sneer.
And continued to work. And to the time of this writing, still is unknown at Satan to DMV staff members. Just the clients.