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The Crazy Things I Do--on eBay

Updated on August 24, 2013
The One, The Only CARY GRANITE
The One, The Only CARY GRANITE | Source

eBay Rocks!

It's a given.

Every year about this time, in the couple of weeks prior to and shortly after the income tax filing deadline, and inversely proportional to the high level of anxiety and procrastination of meeting one's obligatory due diligence, the traffic of customers on eBay comes to a virtual standstill.

Add to that the natural phenomenon of Spring Fever and--voila!--all traffic lights are glowing bright crimson just about now.

So what's an eBay seller to do but bitch, moan, and groan?

Well, not me! Not this year, anyway!

I'll do better than that! I'll just act the fool!

When times get tough, the crazy syrup starts flowing in my rapidly diminishing gray matter, and I start concocting some pretty wild 'n' crazy harebrained schemes to unleash on the unsuspecting eBay global forum...all within the boundaries of rules, procedures, and policies, mind you, but, nevertheless, just enough to irk my competitors and maybe bring some smiles to my viewers...all three of them--the granny in Albuquerque, the chieftain in Zimbabwe, and...well, okay...I guess I shouldn't count myself.

All I know is that this dead calm in the eBay waters has got to end sooner or later, and rather than let these dire circumstances drive me crazy, I'm opting to be my own chauffeur, thank you kindly!

So the following is a rough draft of what I'm going to post on eBay shortly after I finish this Hub tonight.

And, in keeping in character, the bid starts at a penny!

Don't think I'll do it?

Watch me!

My name is Cary Granite...

...and I'm for sale.

I'm no sissy wearing a suit and tie, sprinting on an airport runway, desperately attempting to elude a biplane that's intent on decapitating me.

Nope, I'm as solid as a rock. Wait a sec! I am a rock! (Breaking into Simon and Garfunkel song) I am an island!

Where was I? Oh, yeah!

At my tallest point, I stand 5-1/2" high. I'm also a studly 6-1/4" wide. Add to that a mass of 5 lbs or so, and we're talking mini-boulder here.

You've heard the saying--as dumb as a box of rocks.

Well, guess you could say I'm a rock that stepped outside of the box. I'm no idiot. I'm actually quite deep.

How deep? Well, about 1-7/8" deep. And that's pretty darn good, as granite goes.

And tonight, I'm making my eBay debut.


Because for me, eBay is the land of opportunity.

I'm too small to be a gravestone. I can't be a kitchen sink or counter top because I happen to be just a single corner.

So I'm pretty much a rock without a cause.

No Rock of Gibraltar. No Rock of Ages. No rock 'n' roll. Not even a rockabilly.

But on eBay, I could be a star! And not just any star. A rock star!

Yeah, that's the ticket!


Take a good look at me. Watch me flex my calcium deposits. Watch my mineral veins throb!

Yeah, I'm a character, alright.

If you covet me--and I know you do--bid heartily, and bid with determination!

You could be the lucky buyer! Just think, in seven short days, you could be the highest bidder! You could be the one to own me!

And I will dance to your every whim! I will be your paperweight. I will be your bookend. I'll even be the stone you cast should a burglar ever break in. Whatever it is that you want me to be, that's what I'll be, baby!

It's resurrection time on eBay, that wonderful global forum where no stone is left unturned, where a rolling stone can truly gather no moss ('cause who'd want to pick up randy moss, anyway?), and where the proverbial pet rock can once again be dubbed King of the Mountain.

Remember, darlin', ain't about what's on the other side.



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  • hawaiianodysseus profile image

    Hawaiian Odysseus 5 years ago from Southeast Washington state

    Aloha, Georgie Lowery! Thanks for the great feedback. I'm embarrassed to say that poor Cary went one bid, not even for a penny. But that's okay...I paired Cary up with Gary, and now I've listed them as a Buy It Now bookends couple! More than one way to skin eBay! Looking forward to reading your Hubs!

  • Georgie Lowery profile image

    Georgianna Lowery 5 years ago from Lubbock, TX

    This is absolutely awesome! If I needed a rock star, I'd have bid on Cary Granite.

    Great hub!

  • hawaiianodysseus profile image

    Hawaiian Odysseus 5 years ago from Southeast Washington state

    Thank you, wetnosedogs. That's what I'm hoping for, that Cary Granite will find a loving home somewhere...because, truth be told, I can't afford him anymore, and he is such a diva!

    LOL! Have a great day!

  • wetnosedogs profile image

    wetnosedogs 5 years ago from Alabama

    The rock will win someone's heart! Good Luck. That's a clever write-up.