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Things I Would Never Buy Online

Updated on July 1, 2015

13-Foot tanner :

It always sucks when you go to the beach, and everyone ‘s walking around with glorious tanned feet and your aown feet are a hideous pale mess. The solution is here though- just dump your feet in this Glow Box and watch the skin cancer grow right before your eyes. That way, when you arrive at the coroner’s office, they will take a step back to admire the exquisitely bronzed feet on your gnarled corpse

12-Passenger Seat Office :

You know what sucks ? Walking all the way from your car into the office on Monday- oh, but wait, why leave your car at all when you can instead bring the office to you ?. Never mind the spouses and infants, replace their passenger seat with a desk, a printer table and a place to put 4 mollion pens.

And the best part is, you are legally not allowed to use any of this equipment while driving, Qo the target market is : People who don’t have homes, an office, but can still afford a car and a product that exceeds 180 dollars.

11-Motorised Golf Club Cleaner :

You are playing golf, you are just completed an 18 course session when you realise your club is covered in nasty dirt. For only 25 dollars, you can get a whirring device that takes off the dirt in no time-because as we all known getting dirt off small objects is a massive undertaking which required rebotic precision. Or you could just use a damn rag and scrape off the dirt like every other person

10-Bluetooth Paper Airplane :

The joy of constructing your own paper plane has always come from the simplicity, the elegant design and room for improvement but the future is here and the concept of fun has been augmented and improved. You can control this paper monstrosity with a bluetooth app, allowing you to forget a plane is flying and instead focus on min-maxing air velocity based on projected data and current resistance. The graceful flight of a paper plane has been replaced with tthe fan-enhanced buzz of the technological revolution.

09-DVD Rewinder :

You know when you are taking a DVD back to the video store and they chew you out because you forgot to rewind it ? Me either. But if you are missing a brian stem then you might look into investing in portable DVD Rewinder, that will reverse all your digital media without scratching the disc into non-existence. You can even plug in an MP3 Player into the usb port and rewind all your songs- and best of all, you can plug your USB rock into the DVD Rewinder and watch the universe collapse on itself.

08-UFO Detector :

A device that attempts to detect magnetic and electromagnetic anomalies typically associated with flying saucers. When it detects one, i twill start whirring and buzzing-of course, the reality is you’ve a device that will simply never do anything. The discaimer advises you, ‘’For best results, hold directly under saucer’’, but most customers reviews on Amazon protest that by the time they can do this, they are getting anally probed by aliens from a whole fleet of ships.

06-Banana Guard :

Have you ever been so paranoid that your banana won’t survive a trip in your backpack that you’ve seriously considred buying it some armour ?

Well here’s the Banana Guard : as the tagline says, it fits over 90% of commercial bananas. . Oh but wait, we also have an entire range of armour for fruits of all sizes- Kiwis,plums,apricots,apples,pears,peaches-even grapes. Why aren’t you protecting your single grapes ???

05-Poop Gold Pieces :

A lot of us take supplements and pills to manage our health- and the rich among us swallow gold pills so that our crap can shine like a smelly quartz rock filled with gold flakes. And the best part is : each tiny pill costs 425 dollars. 425 buck so you can literally flush your money down the toilet. But if you are going to open your rectum for some sweet biological relief, you might aswell do it in style.

04-Deer Rear :

We’ve all been out hunting, but a lot of the times you just haven’t gotten lucky shooting deers- but now you don’t even need to. Fool your friends and family by making them believe you cut up and stuffed a deer ass and then mounted it on your wall. It’s also great for those lonely nights <hen your wife is gone and you don’t have any other options.

03-Uranium Ore :

That’s right, you can buy a tin of uranium from amazon, and it’s radioactive. Despite their hope that it would be used for educational and scientific purposes only, they’re not afraid to write in the product’s description that it’s ‘’useful for performing NUCLEAR EXPERIMENTS’’. We are just one tiny step away from being ablt to buy our own private nuclear bombs only used for deterrance purposes-surely.

02-Human Fetus Soap :

It’s totally not creepy to wash yourself with an unborn child. And this thing is made from goat’s milk.

01-Nothing :

Next time your kid asks you what you got them for christmas, you can hitch up your pants, tilt your head back slightly and gently whisper the wrord ‘’Nothing’’

Thankfullu, Nothing comes in verious forms, you can get them a stand of Nothing or a bag of nothing or both. The tagline for this product is simply ‘’Nothing will make you happy’’

have you alredy bought any of those items ???

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