Ways to Irritate Employees of The Unemployment Office

The employees of the Department of Motor Vehicles and the I.R.S., are considered fearsome, but there is another government agency whose employees can also fit that description. This agency is The Employment Office, and I sincerely hope that none of you ever have to visit this place.

Stay employed no matter if you have “the” dirtiest, most-underrated, low-paying job ever. And dear friend, if it takes kissing the boss’ cheek (face) everyday, do it. Stay in the workforce. I am going to tell you why.

I will keep this brief, so pay close attention. In 1973 or “the old days,” the time before the internet, cell phones, and speed-dating, I was terminated from a company who by today’s labor standards, could be shut down for running a “sweat shop,” or even worse, operating a legal slavery operation. It was beyond awful to go into work at this place.

I give the company credit for not discriminating against any races. This “ol boy” company didn’t give a rip what color you were, because you were mentally- abused, falsely-accused, and openly-ridiculed with everyone else. The only way to keep your job was to keep your mouth shut—no matter how rough the bosses treated you and learn to do the work of two people and get paid for one. And this was in 1973.

It was like a living, breathing, human carousel—turning and turning five days a week, hiring and firing employees like picking-off ducks from a blind and what employees were not fired for no reason, quit because they just couldn’t kiss any more butt or swallow any more crap. Human beings “do” have limits.

When I, along with my friend, Jimmy Jackson, were let-go (Thank you, Father), I thought that the rough days and people were things of my past. The next day I learned just how wrong I could be, because this was the day that I was to report to the Unemployment Office to apply for my unemployment benefits.

You’d think this was a simple matter of just going into the office, signing-in, sitting down, looking at some “Unemployment Weekly,” magazines with washed-up celebrities on the cover and then be called to talk to a professional person about why I was without a job and how much I would get by way of benefits.

Free Advice

is always useful, and so does this apply to the suggestions in this hub.

Yes, it is in fun and yes, most of my ideas can and will cause laughter on several levels and to me, that is what life is about--making others feel good.

Honestly, I can recall the look on this "Helga's" face as she looked at me as she interviewed me for my unemployment benefits. Scary is all I want to say.

But that was eons ago. Today, I am assuming that personnel and policies of the Unemployment Office have hopefully changed . . .but if you do get an opportunity to use these ideas, do it, and if they get a smile or a laugh, then you will leave the Unemployment Office a happier person.

Thanks for reading this hub, Kenneth

Not true. Not by a country mile. It was in my first visit with these employment “experts,” I got my first taste of government “red tape,” mixed with some good old-fashioned bureaucracy.

“Yumm—eeee, tastes just like the real thing.” I was actually happy for one of these people to talk to me. I kept telling myself (not out loud) that my government cares for me. I might as well be saying, “I wanna go home,” and click my heels together, but I never owned any ruby slippers, but I did know that magic didn’t happen when people just wore sneakers out in public.

No Good Witch of the North. No Billy Burke, the actress who “did” play this key role in the Wizard of Oz. Why is there no magic in real life? I would pay someone to answer this question.

I met a woman, I didn’t want to remember her name, and she looked like she really didn’t want to see me or anyone else of the human race. With a frown and a series of short answers, I didn’t know if I was being convicted of a crime or being suited-up for deportation. For just being terminated from a job that would make Heinrich Himmler, the second most-powerful man behind Adolph Hitler cringe. At one point, I even wondered if Himmler wasn’t her ancestor.

She glared over her bi-focals and briskly took a blank application and began to ask me a series of questions and below is only a sample:

“Helga”: “So, Mr. Avery, why are you here?”

Me: “I had an appointment to talk to someone about my unemployment benefits.”

“Helga”: “Unemployment benefits?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

“Helga”: “This is the EMPLOYMENT service.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, and the UNEMPLOYMENT service the lady I talked to on the phone told me.”

“Helga”: “Woman?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. She sounded a lot like a woman.”

“Helga”: “Oh, unemployment. I see. So you are unemployed?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. As of three days ago.”

“Helga”: “Why did you quit your last job?”

Me: “I never quit. I was terminated, ma’am.”

“Helga”: “Okay. Why did you terminate your last job?”

(at this point I was thinking this was a bad practical joke that was being played on me.)

Me: “Ma’am, I did not terminate any job. I was terminated. Let-go.”

“Helga”: “Let-go, hmmmm, well, let’s check and see if you have paid in all of your quarters.”

(she gazes at some paperwork while humming some song that I couldn’t identify. Probably the music played when the SS troops marched before Hitler on any given day.)

“You need to be somewhere?”

(I look behind me to see if she is talking to someone else.)

Me: “No, ma’am.”

“Helga”: “Hmmm, (sucks teeth) well, uhh, okay then.”

(looks at me over her bi-focals again.)

Me: “Okay what?”

“Helga”: “You were terminated. And you have paid in your quarters.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a first for me. Just what are ‘quarters’?”

“Helga”: “Uhh, (sucks teeth) that simply means you have enough funds to draw an unemployment check weekly. Now I need to ask you do you really want to draw that check?”

Me: “Well, yes, ma’am. I have a car payment to make and other items to take care of.”

“Helga”: “Yes or no. That’s all I need.”

Me: “Yes.”

“Helga”: (sucks teeth, jostles papers), okay, Mr. Kavery, uh, what kind of name is Kavery?”

Me: “Ma’am, are you saying . . .”CAVE-RIE?”

“Helga”: “Oops, I am sorry. I mean, Kenneth Austin.”

Me: “My name is Kenneth Avery. Austin is my middle name.”

“Helga”: “Why is Austin on your file?”

Me: “Ma’am, it asked for my middle initial or name.”

“Helga”: “Oh, okay. Well, (sucks teeth) expect your first check by next calendar date of next Tuesday.”

Me: “Thank you, uhhh, I never got your name . . .”

“Helga”: “Helena.”

That’s when I left there and didn’t look back.

Now if I had been doing now at that time in my life, “Helena,” would have been the one on the other end of the “Frustration Stick,” for to me, there is no use or need for any employee of any agency of the Federal or State government being so bland and so lifeless. Is my honesty here “the best policy?”

These are the results of my own mischievousness. And I call them . . .

“Ways to Irritate Employees of The Unemployment Office”

• Every four seconds lick your tongue in and out. This will drive the person interviewing you to border-line nuts.
• Have a small day planner in your shirt pocket and with each question you are asked, whip out the day planner and act as if you are having to check for the answer.
• Ask the unemployment rep if you name sounds musical. Then say your name with “a” certain lilt for emphasis.
• Hum the American standard, “Over There,” softly as you go through your interview—and if the person interviewing you snaps with anger and asks, “Do you have to do that?” You answer, “You bet. I’m proud to be an American!”
• One question you might ask is, “You work-out often?” This will cause this government employee to dwell on their physical fitness long after you leave.
• If you have to state your name, do it this way: “My name is Kenneth Austin Avery, and I do not date.” It will sharpen-up the unemployment employee’s job performance instantly.
• Another question you might ask is, “Do you happen to have the number of the nearest dance studio? I am interested in taking some tap lessons.”
• At just the right time, go right in to your Patrick Warburton, (“Jeff,” on now-canceled, ‘Rules of Engagement.’)
• After a series of serious questions, confront the unemployment rep by asking, “Have you ever been The Employee of The Month?”
• At some point, the interviewer is sure to ask, “Now, have you tried to seek employment at other places in your area?” You smile and say, “Of course. I interviewed with Galaxy Steel, they had a vice-president to be fired. I applied with Midvale High School for the English teacher opening and my “crowning achievement,”: I dropped by Jim’s Apples, the stand on the corner of Main and Franklin, and applied for the position of his “apple polisher.”
• Stare intently at the person asking you the questions, then duck to the floor as if you are dodging a projectile.
• And if you do these things, you will most-definitely hear this question: “Have you ever considered mental therapy?” You think for a moment and then reply, “No. Are they hiring?”

Coming soon . . .”Why “I” Would Have Been Dishonorably-Discharged From The Marines”