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Ways to Sabotage Your Own Job Interview

Updated on July 11, 2012

Hey, people who hate to work

THIS CAN BE YOU. IF YOU LOVE TO BE UNEMPLOYED, WITHOUT A JOB. JUST FOLLOW MY TIPS IN STORY BELOW.
THIS CAN BE YOU. IF YOU LOVE TO BE UNEMPLOYED, WITHOUT A JOB. JUST FOLLOW MY TIPS IN STORY BELOW.

When was the last time you applied for a job? This was a tough ride, huh? And that filling-out of the endless pages of your job application with seemingly-pointless questions about "your" background profile that included criminal history, grades in high school and college and this one, "where you see yourself in five years?"


You almost had a cardiac-arrest when the person whom interviewed you instantly reminded you of a Nazi storm trooper in a three-piece suit, but you respected her and kept focused on being hired by her company.


Now, when you tell your buddies in your favorite bar how the sweat rolled off of your head during the job interview, you tell the story with "you," controlling "Von Helga," the "Employment Empress," and broke her will into hiring you for a sales position in the Tire and Lube Division of her store.


But listen, my friend, you do not, or may never know just how close you came to "not" getting this average-paying job. There were many who wanted the job and were sitting patiently in the lobby awaiting their turn to be screened for the job. I think it was two things that "turned the trick," and got you hired: One, that freshly-cleaned leisure suit you chose to wear to the interview, and two, that fifty-bucks you slipped "Von Helga," to put your application on the top.
With all things being equal, something you did worked. Now you are no longer a statistic in the ranks of the "unemployed," but a proud member of America's workforce. Isn't it great to be an American?


Now, and this isn't to "you," "Mr. Newly-Employed Guy," but to those slackers, guys who stay-up all night playing Grand Theft Auto and sleeping until noon the next day, yeah, those guys who think "work" is a tool of satan, here are "Ways to Sabotage Your Own Job Interview," when you "do" get a job interview, to stay happily-unemployed and living a care-free life.

(story continued below photo below)

These girls are really smart

TO GO FOR JOB INTERVIEWS IN GROUPS. WHEN THEY ALL GET TURNED DOWN FOR JOBS, THEY CAN SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY SHOPPING.
TO GO FOR JOB INTERVIEWS IN GROUPS. WHEN THEY ALL GET TURNED DOWN FOR JOBS, THEY CAN SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY SHOPPING.

WARDROBE TO WEAR TO IRRITATE THE PERSON INTERVIEWING YOU FOR A JOB
Sandals and do NOT use foot spray before you show-up for the interview.
Sunglasses, and do not remove them at any time.
Cut-off denim shorts.
Tee-shirt with this message: "I'm For Carl Marx."
Lots of beads around your neck.
THINGS FOR YOU TO SAY TO GET YOU SENT BACK HOME FROM THE JOB INTERVIEW
"Say, do I get a hefty signing bonus when you hire me?
"Yeah, I don't believe in being punctual, for it's of the devil."
"Where's the snacks I was promised?"
"Is that suit off-the-rack?"
"Application? I don't do the application thing."
"What time is break and how long do I get for lunch?"
THINGS FOR YOU TO DO THAT WILL INSURE THAT THE JOB INTERVIEW WON'T LAST LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES
Show-up gabbing on your cell phone. And don't stop.
Be shaving with a razor and shaving cream as you walk into the office to be interviewed for a job.
Be listening to an iPOD and make faces at the interviewer.
Sling your feet on his or her desk and cross your arms and say, "what???"
Walk into interview eating a hero sandwich and have mayonnaise on your face.
Eat an onion before you leave home to be interviewed.
"IF" YOUR JOB INTERVIEW DOES LAST MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES, AND THE PERSON INTERVIEWING YOU ASKS, "YOU GOT ANY QUESTIONS?" YOU ASK
"When do I get a good raise?"
"You got any hot daughters that I can date?"
"Do you frown on drinking beer on the job?"
"Do you mind if my surfing buddies hang-out here while I work?"
"Do you mind if I have myself a nap around 9:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.?"
"Mind if I smoke cigarettes on the job?"
AND FINALLY, IF THE PERSON INTERVIEWING YOU FOR A JOB ASKS YOU "THAT" QUESTION ALL JOB INTERVIEWERS ASK, "WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS?" REPLY
"Not here if the work is tough."
"Being promoted to manager in six weeks."
"Enjoying the stock options that you are going to give me when I am hired."
"Plant manager, where else?"
"On long vacations for I hate to burn-out at jobs, don't you?"
"Writing stories for Hubpages."

Hold it a minute! How did that last item, "writing for HubPages" get in here?

Hey, "Mr. Happy-to-be-Unemployed," disregard this one, for it MIGHT get you hired when the interview is over.

Hey, "Miss Soap Opera Watching Queen,"

DID YOU BE SURE AND MAKE MISTAKES ON YOUR JOB APPLICATION ON PURPOSE?
DID YOU BE SURE AND MAKE MISTAKES ON YOUR JOB APPLICATION ON PURPOSE?

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    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dearest Susan,

      Thanks for the sweet and lovely comment. That surfing question is a gimme. Outta here. Now. And our vacation was great, but with the exception of falling in the shower--hitting my head, brusing two ribs on the tub . . .still sore, but alive.

      Thanks for all of your comments, words and votes.

      Kenneth "Cow-A-Bunga(?) Dude!"

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Debra,

      You did great. Thanks, my friend for the support.

      Kenneth

    • profile image

      Sueswan 5 years ago

      Hi Kenneth,

      "Do you mind if my surfing buddies hang-out here while I work?"

      There's the door dude. LOL

      Voted up up and away.

      Have a safe and happy vacation my friend. :)

    • profile image

      Debra Emerson 5 years ago

      It is funny as always. Keep up the good work. Did I type 'work'? Excuse me.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, breakfastpop,

      Im sure they do. Somewhere. Don't they? Or does a DELL PC do the hiring? Oh my! Now Im really worried.

      What has happened to our country? Help!

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hey, lupine,

      Thanks a million for stopping by and leaving such a warm comment. I will be gone on vacation next week and while I am gone, I will be searching for hub material and vacations are great for "Hub Safaris."

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello, fpherj,

      Thank you so much for the kind remark. Chris Farley would be great as the guy being interviewed for a job, or maybe Adam Sandler . . .that is so sweet of you to say this.

      Thanks and God bless you.

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Thank you, Josh, my friend, for the nice comment and share. I appreciate your following my "adventures," and self-help hubs that hardly anyone else would touch.

      I got a kick out of the line, "got any hot daughters that I can date?" That one line would get anyone sent home ASAP.

      Kenneth

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 5 years ago

      Wow, do they still have job interviews?

    • lupine profile image

      lupine 5 years ago from Southern California (USA)

      Kenneth, you did it again, how do you come up with this stuff? Its true though, I've heard & seen some of this happening...guess what? They do not get hired...mission accomplished!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Ken.....Picturing this all actually happening is just too damned funny......except, you know what? I am positive that there are enough jerks in this world who would say these things at an interview!!

      This is the stuff made for Saturday Night Live!! UP....FUNNY!

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Kenneth,

      You have done it again! You never cease to surprise me and give me a good laugh! Thanks again friend! :)

      I am sharing this one!