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What To Say To Telemarketers: A List Of Comical Telemarketing Responses

Updated on June 19, 2013

What To Say To Telemarketers

Nobody enjoys being on the receiving end of a telemarketing call, myself included - despite the fact that I myself worked as a telemarketer for around 5 years before becoming a freelance writer full time.

Despite the fact that they are just trying to earn a living... sometimes, we want to show them how annoying they really are - by being as equally annoying ourself!

Below is a short table I have compiled which contains a list of common phrases spouted by telemarketers, along with an appropriately humourous response which will serve two purposes:

  1. Providing you with a chuckle
  2. Winding the telemarketer up (hopefully) to the point of them ending the call

If at any point you feel there is any common phrase I've missed off the table and would like to hear a response, either email me or drop me a comment in the comment box and I'll update my list.

Commonly Spouted Question/Phrase
Ideal Response From You
Hello
Goodbye
How are you?
Do you actually want to know how I am? If you must know, I am going through a divorce, my house was flooded, I'm about to be made redundant, my children hate me and I'm not even sure if they're mine, and to top things off I can smell my dinner burning because somebody I don't know just called me up to ask how I am.
Have you noticed your bills going up?
Now you come to mention it... yes! Yes, they are... look at them... they're floating! How did you...? Did you know that? Did you make them do that? It's witchcraft I tell you. Oh! Out the window now... fly my pretties!
Are you struggling with debt?
Funny you should ask, yes. Do you have a pen? My address is XXXX, and all cheques should be made to the name of XXXX, please ensure they don't bounce.
Is your phone contract coming up for renewal?
Let me check... oh, you're right! It is! It says my current telephone service ends in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *click*
How fast is your broadband?
I can barely keep up with it - sometimes it runs around the world and back, stopping off at all the major capitals to buy gifts, in the time it takes me to have a half hour nap. At least, it does if my wife/husband is using Ebay.
Would you like to pay £25 less than you are currently paying?
I sure would! Send me a cheque for £25 right away... after all, it costs me nothing right now, so £25 less actually means you owe me money
Could you confirm your name and address?
Mr B Baggins, Hole, Ground, Middle Earth
Could I ask your bank details?
You can ask, certainly... however, I can't guarantee you an answer
When is a good time to call back?
I'll tell you what, give me your home telephone number and I'll phone you in a couple of hours when you're half way through your dinner instead?
Do you have time to complete a quick survey?
I certainly do. First question, on a scale of 1 to 10 how satisfied do you feel working as a telemarketer?
75% of customers would recommend us to a friend
...and the other 25%?
 
 

Encore!

Having difficulty understanding what telemarketers say and what they mean? Read the translations!

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    • writeyourwrongs profile image
      Author

      John Crowley 5 years ago from Sheffield

      Glad you enjoyed it :) thanks for the comment, and great idea with the anti-religious-doorstep-sales-propaganda!

    • profile image

      NetflixReviews 5 years ago from Somewhere in North America

      That made me laugh, something that no telemarketer has ever made me do! Great article! I used to be plagued so much by door to door Jehova's Witnesses that I made them up little booklets called 'Alternatives to Being a Holy Porchstander' I didn't have to hand out too many before my address was off the visit list. I'm sure those suggestions on telemarketers would be equally effective!

    • writeyourwrongs profile image
      Author

      John Crowley 5 years ago from Sheffield

      Appreciate the votes. Also, don't bite too hard - it's not worth losing your tongue over a telemarketer, even if they ARE just doing a job ;-)

    • CyberShelley profile image

      Shelley Watson 5 years ago

      Thank you for the laugh - sometimes I bite my tongue to ensure that I remain polite! Voted up and funny!

    • eHealer profile image

      Deborah 5 years ago from Las Vegas

      The poor telemarketer. Do you think they know how annoying they are when they ask you if you're busy. Can't they hear me chewing my food? This is fun and creative. Thanks.