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Why Hallmark Needs To Hire Me

Updated on May 21, 2009


Although I’ve mentioned it time and time again, when sending a greeting card, the only company to send from is MikWright (see all their cards including some that feature yours truly at however it was recently announced that even though Hallmark took a bit of a beating from “those” people (you know who you are) apparently “us” people were delighted by (and bought enough of) their line of cards specifically for gay marriages so now they’re going to expand their gay offerings beyond the marital state . Kudos to Hallmark for that one but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that while Hallmark turned to people like Maya Angelou for their “Mahogany” line of cards (designed for black people and not really for gay queens who loved and obsessed over the movie, Mahogany starring Diana Ross) who are they going to turn to for the gay line? Lance Bass? Ellen? I think not and that’s why I think Hallmark needs to hire me – Don’t Get Me Started!

Of course one may make the argument that Hallmark all ready has plenty of gays working for them. I’ve no doubt this is true and if you have any doubt, go over to their site and watch any of their HI-larious e-cards featuring the characters Hoops and YoYo and you’ll instantly know there are gays in the house of Hallmark. But with the new line they’re going to need some new blood and I’m exactly what the doctor ordered.

From an early age my mother had the good taste to make me write thank you notes…for everything. (In this day and age I wonder when the hell people decided that this wasn’t the thing to do. A thank you note is a required element of life. As my mate says, even if you hated the gift, have enough savvy to send the thank you to ensure you’ll get another gift and the next one may be fabulous. If you’re a parent and you’re not teaching the art of thank you notes, you’re a bad parent. There I’ve said it and I’m not sorry one bit!) I was so into stationery that at one point I had enough in my house to open my own boutique. I had the personalized stuff down to the recycled maps stationery. I was a letter writer from way back before there was such a thing as email and more than once I was told I gave good letter. I still give good letter.

Still not convinced that Hallmark needs me? Allow me to give you some samples:

Card One: The front of the card is a gay party scene with men in and out of shirts. Inside: I know, if you had a nickel for every party you went to where you found out you’d slept with everyone there you’d have a fortune. Congrats on getting rid of your most recent STD!

Card Two: The front would have two men having a picnic, it would have that soft lens filter on it and you would only see the back of their heads touching with the space between their heads and necks creating an organic looking heart shape. Inside: With each passing day I’m so glad that we’re gay. That our lives intertwine and that you don’t buy cheap wine. The walks on the beach, the boys that we meet, that prostitute we hired that was so into feet. Happy Anniversary, Darling.

Card Three (The Lesbian Card): The front would have the picture of a stereotypical butch looking lesbian complete with her hands on her hips and wearing a tool belt. The caption would read, “I eat fags for breakfast!” Inside: Gays, the other white meat! Congrats on coming out!

I know some of you may not be impressed but I assure you that these are just a few examples right off the top of my head. Once I get my staff together and we start brainstorming I’m sure there’ll be no end to the fabulous cards we’ll create. So I’ll let you all know how it turns out, in the meantime, Mr. Hallmark that’s why I think Hallmark needs to hire me – Don’t Get Me Started!

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