Welcome to Fired Funnybones
Almost everyone has been axed, dismissed, down-sized, kicked out, laid-off, pushed, sacked, stiffed, shoved out the door or been given the boot, the elbow, or the old heave-ho, not to mention their exit slips or their walking papers, perhaps even been put out on their ear or their neck (without so much as a golden handshake or a golden parachute) at least once in their work life.
Fired Funnybones is dedicated to the notion of exploring the humorous side of losing one's job. After all, one is never too young or too old to enjoy a pink-slip party or a serendipity sabbatical!
TURFING TALES TO TICKLE YOU PINK!
Welcome to "As The World Churns"!
It's the perfect place to meet plenty of pity pot people like us who need people similarly inclined to share their tales of weal and woe not to mention wit and wonk).
In fact, it's a sensational spot to enjoy some ejected electronic entertainment.
So sit back, suck-it-up, and put a smile on your face.
Because, that's the only way for Cyber-Sacked Souls to find new funnybone friends among the Email Ended, the Facebook Fired, and the Video Vaporized.
Image Credit: www.mattcandraw.com
He was all fired up and ready to go... - But who knew it would turn into a booty call?
Image Credit: Ron Leishman - clipartof.com/440967
MUSINGS FROM MONEYBAGS
On being made redundant
Multimillionaire and casino magnate Donald Trump shows us there's lots of cachet and crunch behind those famous words, "YOU'RE FIRED!" According to media reports, several canned contestants not only earned their fifteen minutes of fame but also managed to find new jobs or fulfilling careers.
And, Robert Edward "Ted" Turner III (born November 19, 1938), an American media mogul and philanthropist, also reminds us that "There's nothing wrong with being fired" (presumably as long as one is totally at ease with being the target in a firing range).
On the other hand, you might be a Maven of Mighty Fine Words & Marvellous Meals like Martha Stewart, and admit, "I don't even like firing people. I don't think I've ever said, 'You're fired' to anybody."
50 WAYS TO SAY YOU'RE FIRED
Here are a few of those egregiously entertaining euphemisms:
bite the dust
canned, career alternative enhancement, career change opportunity, career transition, clseansing, constructive discharge, constructive dismissal
decline a contract extension, decruit, defund, dehire, de-select, destaff, discharge, discontinue, downscale, downsize, drop from the team
early retirement opportunity, employee transition, effect a change in your status, eject, end of a trial period, excessing, expelled
free to pursue your wholeness unimpeded by your continued employment here, free up for the future
get the boot, get the golden handshake, given one's walking papers, given the gate, given the old heave ho
jettison excess weight
kick the can
lateralize, let go
make internal efficiencies, make redundant, manage down, muster out
negotiate a departure
opportunity to pursue further avenues of success, optimized, outplaced, ousted, outsourced
personnel realignment, personnel surplus reduction, power failure
rationalize the workforce, reduce headcount, reduce in force (or riffing), re-engineer the staff, release, relieve of duties, reorganize (or re-org), reshuffle, resource action, restructure, retrench, rightsize
sacked, selected out, sent away, sent home, separated, scrapped, shown the door, skill-mix adjustment, stimulated to seek a greener pasture, streamline, surplus, syngery-related headcount restructuring
taking it for the team; tossed out on your ear, your butt or your hoo-hoo; turfed; turf management
waive, workforce imbalance correction
Image Credit: firstname.lastname@example.org
YOU'RE INVITED TO A PINK SLIP PARTY! (Image Credit: iStock)
FIRED?...(or you gotta be kidding!)
Don't let the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune get you down!
Take it from me, even with the help of not one but two royal monikers like "Victoria Elizabeth", an ability to speak one foreign language (not including Pig Latin), plus a damn fine diploma, I could not avoid the chopping block during my twenty or so year career as a business development consultant.
In fact, I was so adept at being "involuntarily-leisured" that I can safely say that I am an expert on the subject. If truth be told, I expect that my former employers would not hesitate to say that: "Subtlety is not her strong suit", "She does not suffer fools gladly", or "She is not known to not take direction well". On the other hand, they might also have to admit that I had my strong points: "She drew rather accurate caricatures of staff on holiday cards", and even more importantly that, "She knew how to organize some terrifically successful wine and cheese parties on a tight budget".
If one did not manage to arrange to have a golden parachute on hand in the departure lounge, the notion of being without a colorful calling card, a platinum key to the executive washroom, or perish the thought ...missing one's prestigious position in the pecking order of a cube farm might cause some consternation. Frankly, being fired has both challenges and opportunities.
All of which brings me to my musing for the moment about a recent and delightful encounter with a feisty female named Annabelle Gurwitch. In her new film Fired!, an offshoot from her book, she recounts not only her own tale of being fired from her dream gig acting an an off-Broadway Woody Allen Play, but also sets about collecting tales of woe from other actors and comics like Tim Allen and Anne Meara who also got dumped. Fired!: Tales of the Canned, Cancelled, Downsized, and Dismissed
So lighten up lollygaggers, time to find those funnybones, stomp all over those misery monsters, and toss those pretentious pity pots! After all, if comedians can get fired and yet bounce back not to mention Ms. Guruwitz herself...then it's never too late to pick yourself up and start all over again!
The message is loud and clear: Don't feel bad! We were all fired once, and look at us now!
AXED...CANNED...SACKED...TIME TO CELEBRATE!
THE JOY OF NOT WORKING
There's something to be said for "The Joy of Not Working".
Stop complaining what you might be missing at the cube farm, in the corner office, or out on the bumpy road of life selling something you wouldn't foist on your grandmother.
Just take a deep breath and express your gratitude for your "surprise serenditipy sabbatical". After all you now have oodles of time to:
1. Waste time without making any excuses.
2. Fritter away the hours doing anything you please, be it playing with your toes, laughter yoga, or engaging in a hot game of solitaire.
3. Talk to animal companions, pet rocks, and plants who won't give you an argument thank God.
4. Choose your own attire...whether it's wearing your buffed up birthday suit all day long, or simply hanging out in your pj's for as long as you wish.
5. Belt out your favorite tunes without anyone batting an eyelash...be it "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight", "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport", or a heartfelt rendition of "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"!
6. Squiggle, sketch or doodle to your heart's content without having to explain the meaning behind your cheesy chicken scratches.
7. Eat a burger with the works for breakfast, popcorn for a morning snack, ice-cream for lunch, pretzels for an afternoon snack, a sizzling steak for supper, not to mention a tall glass of chocolate milk with a plate of Twinkies at bed-time.
8. Watch as many daytime soaps or suck-it-up self-esteem shows, all designed to satiate the needs of the stay-at-home crowd.
9. Join the neighborhood "grapevine" and pick up all the juicy gossip going around not to mention organize a "whine and cheese" party so you stay in the loop.
10. Explore the opportunity to do things you've always wanted to do but never had the courage or space in your calendar before like starting a worm-farm, becoming a lion-tamer, or writing a book about your weird relatives.
There are however some who don't know how to enjoy twiddling their thumbs, especially 30 assistant ministers in Kenya's civil service who wrote a letter to the President saying that they are given nothing to do all day but read newspapers. The only answer: "Suck-it-up and Smile!"
JEST-IN-TIME JOB BOARD
LINKS FOR THOSE AT LOOSE ENDS...
- WHEN THE AXE FALLS...THERE IS LIFE AFTERWARDS!
Just in case you thought you were the only one in a leaky boat going down fast...there is a life raft out there with your name on it!
NEXCAREER, a career transition firm, believes in "Tapping the Iceberg" for all it's worth!
- CAREER JOY
Career Joy can help you back on the right path to reinventing yourself!
- HIRE A CAREER COACH
Heck sports teams have coaches...so why shouldn't you learn from the best Bay Area career coach!
- TRY THE CAREER LAB
The Career Lab -- a great resource for those who want to bounce back into a different ball game.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE "LINKED-IN"!
Why not join the "LinkedIn" business and professional networking board!
- ME, MYSELF, AND I MARKETING
If MySpace is good enough to market over 1 million munchkins...maybe it's time for you to toot your own horn instead of playing someone else's tune!
- IT'S PLUG AND PLAY TIME
YouTube is infinitely more entertaining than the boob tube...promote your own profile, or just plug in and play for awhile!
- BIG CHEESE COACHING
Don't be a scaredy cat, let Big Cheese show you how to succeed in your next career!
- HOW TO BE A TOP DOG!
You're no lap dog, so listen up and learn a thing or two!!!
- WANTED: HONEY TRAPPERS
No need to be at loose ends if you've lost your bacon! Here's a great career opportunity to make use of your Bizzy Bee skills as a "Honey Trapper".
- IN OTHER WORDS...YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN THE ELBOW
A rather fine list of expressions for fired folks from different backgrounds. You'll need to hit the "Diversions" category and then the "You're sacked" button for funny feedback!
- WELL-PAID RARE JOBS
In a tight labor market, forget about 'low-hanging fruit' jobs (most of the time you get squeezed far too much and the paycheck's pretty thin). It's best to keep in mind where real money can be made ...in "rare jobs" naturally!
TRANSITION TO LION-TAMING...
LINKS FOR THE LEISURE-CHALLENGED
Laid-off, let go...not to worry...here are some ripsnorting resources!
- SIMPLY FIRED
If you don't laugh...you might snicker at the snafus some people experience.
Get the scoop behind the book and film, "Fired" by Annabelle Gurwitch.
- DAZZLING DEFINITIONS OF BEING DUMPED
Here is your authoritative source on being canned, cast aside or career-changed to a couch potato.
- MRS PUFF, YOU'RE FIRED!
Stop snivelling, and take a look at what happened to this snookums in SpongeBob SquarePants, season four!
- CAREER JOY
Sometimes even tried-and-true Donald J. Trump Team members get the book, proving there's more to life than casinos.
- PERSON OF THE YEAR - YOU
It's time to be "You"...take a bow, bounce back, and show'em what you got on YouTube, MySpace, Flickr, Friendster or wherever you like! The world is your oyster...so don't clam up!
- A PINK SLIP PARTY!
Whoopee a "Pink Slip Party"...get out your calling cards and dancing shoes!
- UNCONVENTIONAL JOBS FOR UNCONVENTIONAL PEOPLE
Here's a good introduction to freakjob.com where you might just find your next gig!
- TIME FOR A TEMPORARY TATTOO!
For anyone who's been tossed on the tush, or flipped out the door on their fanny, it may be time to test the waters of 'walking on the wild side' with a temporary tattoo!
- LIFE MAPPING
If you've lost your way and need a new life map...here's what you need to make your own!
- QUIPPING QUEEN'S QUARTERS
Wanna hang out with a quirky queen plus a cast of quaffers, quibblers and quidnuncs...go for it!
- CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE
The Creative Loafing Institute caters to light-hearted lollygaggers and laughable lounge-chair enthusiasts.
- THE POWER OF A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
I'll let you in on a secret, a positive attitude is positive proof that you don't need a "pity pot"!
- BOOM-BOOM AIN'T IT GREAT TO BE YOU!
"Name Your Tune: A Personal Music Collection" is just what you need to boost your happiness rating. Now you can order 14 family favorites featuring your name being spoken (or sung) more than 80 times with some peppy pre-programmed singalong hits like
- LEAVE YOUR JOUSTING KIT AT HOME!
Ahem...it's time for your job interview, so put away your heffalump hunter's outfit and your jocular jousting equipment.
- RESUME RESOURCES FOR RUBBERNECKS
You've got oodles of choices about how to make yourself look good on paper and online, not to mention a few new ways to get your name in lights!
- NOVELTY NOTES
A collection of curious calling cards for cockamamie characters.
- DAZZLING DEMOTIVATORS
If the world is going to heck in a handbasket, it's time to pick up some matching merchandise ...how about a "dazzling demotivator" or two!
- JOBS GOT JILTED?
Yup, Apple CEO Steve Jobs admits that being fired at age 30 gave him a new lease on life...he could do anything he wanted...and that's just what he did!
- FIRE UNDER YOUR BUTT!
If you need a kick in the keigster to put down on paper your terrifying trials and tantalizing tribulations with the savage slings and acutely painful arrows of outrageous fortune that have come your way, this lens is just what you need.
- WRITE THAT DAMN STORY!
Look, no more excuses or putzing around the proverbial piffleberry bush! It's time to write about your experience of floundering, flopping, or flamboyantly fizzling out. Yup, put it all...every last bit into words ...be it rhyming poetry, or stringin
- ODD JOB CLUB
"Odd jobs for an odd economy"... and this is one spot that's dedicated to connecting unconventional people with unconventional jobs.
- A TERRIFIC TEMP AGENCY
You'll find lots of like-minded folks at "Odd Job Jack"!
- LAUGH YOUR WAY TO THE BANK!
Fret no more, just sign up with these folks who in return for you providing ad space on your vehicle will give you a gas card each month.
For those who have way too much time on their hands and need to exercise their fingers plus have some jolly good fun.
- RUDOLPH-THE-RED-NOSED REINDEER FIRED
You think you got it bad, Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed Reindeer was fired by secular Santa for saying "Merry Christmas"!
- AND NOW A WORD ABOUT VIRTUAL PINK SLIPS
Here's the latest on getting the boot by the byte -- cyber-sacking, digital dismissals, email endings, and Facebook firings.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS...
"You won't ever get fired by our company.
However, you may become a downsized victim of change."
PINK SLIP PARTIES FOR PROFESSIONALS!
Judging from the plethora of puckish websites out there, downsizing is a "growth industry", and they don't hesitate to keep everyone informed about the bleeding edge news you can handle.
Pink collar people however will be pleased to learn about the latest wave in newfangled networking occasions, "Pink Slip Parties", a term coined by Allison Hemming, an established career authority in the "Big Apple".
On the other hand, if you need some folks to perform for pink slip people, you'd best call on the Laughingstock Comedy Troupe, they're a real hit with banks these days!
But if you don't like the idea of hooking up with other heave ho'd types and rubbing elbows with like-minded lollygaggers, you can always hang out with a placid party-pooper or better yet, find the friendly ear of a career counsellor over at Wet Feet.
Forget those "glum gala" events with cute candles for those who've been canned. Take a pass on a libation or two with the other laid-off lounge-lizards. And face it, it won't be a bed of roses at a wimpy getaway with the woe-is-me wussy crowd.
Frankly, you've got nothing to lose by dropping in on one of those rose-colored glasses get-togethers, full of ripsnorting recruiters and serendipity seekers like you.
If however you're operating on a modest budget, you might want to consider taking a cue from Holly Golightly of Breakfast at Tiffany's. If you recall, being a hostess with the mostest allows one to be a little over the top, especially when it comes to throwing a fab fete in a flat. Her fun formula: make sure you have a small space overlowing with madcap guests, lots of mood music, and don't forget to add cocktails, stir, and watch what happens!
And last but not least, if you think you've got it bad... consider the fact that Maytag repairman's contract is not being renewed; talk about being "hung out to dry". Seems that the 'do-nothing dude' has been replaced by someone else. The reason given: the manufacturer of this mighty fine dependable washing machine just wants to "revitalize the brand"!
Never leave home without your "Frequent Flubber Card"!
CALLING CARDS FOR THE CANNED
Just like one should never leave home with one's Amex credit card, one should never attend a Pink Slip Party without a calling card.
If you're going to carry around "calling cards" in your pocket, make sure that they're blank or they're memorable.
If they're blank...you've got "carte blanche" to do what you please. At the very least you can always doodle on them like Hugh MacLeod of Gaping Void fame and become the life of the party.
Failing that, hire an artist like Dean Lewis to do a caricature of you, plus all your coordinates.
Of course, if you feel like you need to create a more self-effacing image of yourself, you can always go the route I did by designing your very own "Frequent Flubber Card". It's time to celebrate the fact that you're well "human" (that means you come packaged with few faux pas and foibles and without a money-back guarantee!
And I might add -- it's never to late to point out the bleeding obvious -- "The bearer of this card is a 'Certified Fool' and is therefore entitled to TEN FREE FLOPS, FLUBS OR FLOUNDERS whenever the spirit of serendipity or sillyness strikes their fancy!"
So next time you're in a merry mood...let your imagination fly...and come up with a catchy calling card like a certain jocular Jenny did.
Better yet, become a light-hearted lensmaster and create your very own bodacious bio the way I did.
Remember, if all else fails and you can't be a giggling gadfly at your next networking event, at least be a perky pest. And if that doesn't work, just imagine what your former boss or favorite nemesis would look like in a birthday suit (that'll put a smile on your face)!
DIVERSIONS FOR THE "DOWNSIZED"!
This is not the end of the road...trust me!
Perfect choice for a Pink-Slip Party!
Great for a Whine and Cheese Party!
Time to kick butt...someone else's!
CAPITALIZE ON BEING CANNED
Sometimes there's some notoriety in being given the heave ho, so why not use it to your advantage.
Take the Budweiser employee who got fired for drinking a Coors (no not on the job, after work silly). The publicity he got on that little violation of company policy got him more than a few offers.
And there's the case of an M&Ms employee who found himself on the other end of a pink slip ...not because he mixed the wrong batch of candies but because he tossed out all the the "Ws" on his shift! No doubt he's exploring an interesting invitation to write all about his unusual literary talent and the ensuing escapade.
White-collar folk also have their challenges, like the one who gets fired for putting the customer first". According to one HR expert, don't try to avoid the "f" word! Why not mention it in a resume or an interview, to show your prospective new employer why your being fired is a "win win" for both of you!
Let's not forget Donald J. Trump, the man synonymous with those wicked words, "You're Fired". Contestants whom he summarily dismissed on his hugely popular reality TV show, not only made a name for themselves but went on to pursue their own richly rewarding careers thank you very much. It seems that Mr. Trump also fired a member of his own management team, "Carolyn", (who apparently found the lecture curcuit more lucrative and a lot more fun than working for "the man" ...no hard feelings of course).
Finally, there's Ms. Annabelle Gurwitz herself, the author of the popular book "Fired" which she deftly parlayed into a film by the same title. After being unceremoniously dumped as an actress by none other than Woody Allen, she realized that perhaps others, particularly comedians, probably got the boot at one time or another during their career. So instead of snivelling, she set about collecting their tossed on the tush tales.
All of these amusing anecdotes only go to prove that a bit of ingenuity and laughter go a long way to healing all wounds and quite possibly chuckling all the way to the bank!
This comedy corner is for babes and blokes who need a serious attitude adjustment, now put your red noses and smiley faces on!
Not everyone's perfect...so learn from your mistakes!
For those who seem to trip over their own tongues.
Consider yourself lucky you don't live in Cleveland!
Now you know you're in good company.
You never know when this may come in handy!
SILLY JOB INTERVIEWS ARE JUST PART OF THE JOURNEY...
SIGN UP FOR A SERENDIPITY SABBATICAL!
Keep your chin up dammit! Better yet, why not forget about chin-wagging for a moment and consider another option...the merits of taking a serendipity sabbatical.
Procrastinate all you want, in fact, slow down and think back over things you've done in your life. What were you doing when you lost track of the time? Who were you with? And, where on earth were you? That should give you a big clue as to where you might want to start your serendipity sabbatical.
The main thing is that it's important that you find a spot to hang out where the atmosphere is warm and receptive. No point in spending your valuable time on things that don't turn your crank, or with cranky folk for that matter.
If you need a nudge, be spontaneous for once. Try going without a plan at least for one day. The more chance or luck you let in your world, the more novel life will become and new opportunities will present themselves. So, let life unfold instead of trying to hammer square pegs into round holes! Take a different route somewhere, eat something you've never tasted before, or do something you think is utterly ridiculous but fun for a change ...including asking "dumb questions"!
If you're not convinced, try being an accidental tourist in your own backyard and enjoy some R&R:
-- Take a bubble bath in the middle of the day.
-- Fly a home-made paper airplane.
-- Take a catnap or daydream in technicolor.
-- Come up with an alter ego for yourself...and chat to strangers on a bus for a day with that persona.
-- Gaze at the stars and ponder how a cow could jump over the moon.
-- Write a letter to someone you've overlooked lately, or even a politician if you've got the urge.
-- Enter a contest, or maybe two just for the heck of it.
-- Invent a new game, a better mousetrap, you can have fun with that for hours.
-- Learn to impersonate someone famous...you never know when that one may come in handy at weddings or roasts!
-- Telephone a talk show to voice your views...after all, people always said you have an opinion on everything!
-- Speak Pig Latin for a day with anyone whom you meet or share a conversation.
-- Study the clouds, and notice that behind every one there's a silver lining!
-- Sing three nursery rhymes you can recall or three of your favorite inspirational melodies.
-- Tap dance or mimic the "Minister of Silly Walks".
Time to wake up and smell the roses...if only for a day, a week...or maybe as long as you want!
NEED SOME INSPIRATION?...WATCH THE COMEBACK KID!
FIRED FOR FANCYING FURRY FRIENDS?
While he really didn't dig his dead-end job, he thought there was no harm in flirting with a few furry felines at the zoo!
Image Credit: Pasquale D'Silva@flickr.com
A Hilarious Humanist Holiday Headline - JOY TO THE WORLD -- SANTA'S BEEN SACKED!
Image Credit: monkeyworks.files.wordpress.com 2009/12
At recent gathering of dedicated humanists (held prior to the ho ho ho holiday season), the following topic was discussed in great detail, "Should we teach Santa Claus?"
The moderator pointed out that atheist parents who celebrate Christmas will probably include the Santa Claus myth, but this requires them to lie to their kids. While it might be fun to tell small children that Santa Claus really exists and delivers presents to children all over the world, the presenter suggested that there appears to be little scientific proof on the matter nor justification for continuing this deception.
It seems non-Santa believers are in a very difficult bind when it comes to Christmas because there are such strong social if not shopping incentives to do what other parents are doing. In fact, some social scientists suggest that not celebrating Christmas and not telling kids about Santa may cause children to be ostracized from others. At the same time, sage scientific research reveals that there are growing numbers of religious minorities who also do not wish to participate in this spurious if not psychophantic seasonal solistice event. And, as a result of this, there are an increasing numbers of kids who are "different." Being different isn't easy, but who wants to be a hypocrite just to fit in?
Questions for the evening discussion included:
-- Are adults who were taught about Santa Claus more likely to deny events like the moon landing, holocaust, climate change, etc? And, are they more or less likely to be atheists, or believe in extra-terrestrial life forms, UFOs?
-- Are they more or less likely to believe in or understand rational thought, the Scientific Method, or evolution?
-- Is there any long-term impact of teaching Santa Claus to children at all?
-- Is there a downside to teaching a child about Santa? (in terms of the abilities of that person to trust, to learn, respect, etc. once they
realize they have been deceived).
-- Why is there so little funding available to research the consequences of teaching this belief, and whether it can have any long-term negative consequences or do any long-term harm?
-- Do first-world nations that don't generally teach about Santa have more or less superstitious populations than those that do?
-- Will a lack of belief in Santa Claus and the necessity of engaging in secular seasonal shopping rituals (and contribute to higher levels of household debt and significantly reducing the saving level of citizens) be cause for yet another devastating global economic crisis?
Debating the pros and cons of perpetuating the myth of Santa Claus was made tolerable with the help of hot toddies, rum and eggnogs, not to mention mulled wine for the wassailing wunderkins served by a bevy of boisterous bar staff wearing red noses and reindeer antlers.
Lest readers be dismayed, disturbed, or downright confounded by the discussion, the humanist holiday event closed on a positive note, being a unanimous decision to sack Santa (along with the Snow Fairy), responsible for spreading spurious social thought, particularly the notion that one person has all the power and the glory to decide who's been naughty and nice this year.
Due to the demise of the dude in the red suit at the hand of ho ho ho holiday humanists... - Prancer wondered if Satan wanted a one-night-stand driving a sleigh
Who knew that he would become a "Gnome Alone" this year?
Jest for the Pun of It!
"The out of work stripper had no acts to grind."
Art Moger, from The Complete Pun Book