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How NOT to land a job

Updated on February 4, 2016

How NOT to get a Job:

Since I am vastly skilled at this I thought I would use what I have an expertise area in:

1. Be Late!!!! Very late if you can, act frantic and make excuses when you do arrive it will be epic. Tell them your dog ran way and your kids are sick and anything else you can think of about your personal life! Actually I was just looking for the other earing for the outfit but…..I personally am exceptionally good at this one.

2. Don’t have anything with you, you might need, like for an interview don’t have a copy of your resume on hand or for work like nothing…lip glass of course, but… just show up….late with nothing you would need for work!

3. Let them know you are only available to work on Tuesdays from 9:45 to 11:15 and Thursdays from 4:00 to 6:15 because your favorite episode of some ridiculous show is on and you do not have a DVR which is why you need a job. They will love to hear that!

4. Tell the person you are interviewing with as many things you are not skilled at like all your limitations, your big toe hurts and you will not be able to take out the trash like ever because it’s debilitating and you may need it amputated in the near future be sure to ask about their benefits package to cover that.

5. Let your future employer know that you have a great sense of humor at the most inappropriate time… such as an interview make sure to say something like DEEZZZ Nuts are the best and you will sound super savvy. Actually use as much slang as you can!

6. Let your future employer know all the gaps in your employment when you were sitting on the couch watching bad episodes of Jerry Springer and your cousin was recently on the show – make sure to have that documented and tagged on your Facebook account too, with as much information about your baby daddy’s recent stint to prison as you can come up with… We love you RAE RAE P.S. he will be out soon!

7. Make sure to let you future employer know that you love drama and regularly bring it to work with you, like the cops were at your house last night due to some domestic violence disturbances one of your baby daddy’s was just a jealous asshole!

8. Don’t say thank you! Don’t say thanks at all that they have taken time out of there day to interview your dumb ass. Make sure to let them know you are gonna need a few weeks to pass a drug screen ;) if you know what I mean. And that your background check should be interesting and you were just adventurous.

9. Tell them your opinion on everything, and I mean everything like the crappy cup of coffee they offered (complimentary) you while you were waiting and make sure not to say thank you!

10. Let them know that your religious practices do not allow you do touch anything dirty like a computer cause it might have germs.

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