Are you CRAZY or have THEY gotten to You?
Tin Foil Headgear- THE must have protection during these dangerous times!
Does your COMPUTER talk to you, read your mind, and control your life? Do you worry that ROBOTS will attack you and suck your brain of the emotions they so desperately crave? Do ALIENS constantly text message you asking for a date?
If so, then, ALUMINIUM FOIL protection can make you whole again! A Ponds Institute study has “proven” that aluminum foil headgear stops ALL unwanted transmissions and mind control probes in men who are paranoid schizophrenics and EVIL TWINS. Ok, it was just ONE guy, but aluminum foil WORKED for him! Don't remain vulnerable for ANOTHER MINUTE!
Please take this test to determine if you need either an aluminum foil hat/sombrero or FULL BODY FOIL PROTECTION (recommended).
1) Are you worried about MIND-CONTROL tranmissions from robots, aliens, or extra-governmental agencies like the United States Enslavement and Mind Control Group?
_______ No, Don't be silly! My CAT blocks all incoming messages with her tail.
______ Yes, I'm worried about all three! How did you know? Are you part of the CIA Alien Robot conspiracy that watches me when I take a bath?
2) Do you think that SOMEONE or SOMETHING is controlling your thoughts and actions?
______ No, I'm in total control of my mind and body- well, except when I eat BEANS.
______ Yes, I do!!! I KNOW I wouldn't have the job that I do unless there was something seriously wrong with me!!
3) Are robots intent on taking over AMERICA, and then, the known UNIVERSE?
4) Have you ever been abducted, probed, or dated an ALIEN?
______ No, but I'm interested in learning more about this probing thing.
______ Yes, I was! Years later, this blind date looked exactly like one of the Aliens who had abducted me- except my date was much taller, had hair, and he/she wasn't green. Also, no tentacles. Probably wasn't the some one the more I think about it.
5) Are you able to receive CIA radio transmissions through your teeth filings?
______ No, not anymore. They now contact me through the chip they implanted in my brain.
______ Yes. It's OK when they play easy listening music. But, I really don't like the "EVERYONE hates you and you must destroy them all" messages. Yep, don't like starting my day that way.
6) Do you believe that Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster exist?
______ No, such myths serve a deeper societal purpose of providing an outlet for batsh#t crazies in the world.
______ Yes, in fact, I saw Bigfoot riding Nessie like a HORSEY on my last Astral Projection in the Scottish Highlands. Bebble-bebble-debille-beggle-debelle. That's how I talk to them!! We often have coctails together and I call them Biggie and Locky. Bebble-bebble-bedadebadeebadeeeba.
7) Does Aluminum Foil protect against unwanted gamma and mind-control rays?
______ No, you need something stronger than that!! I use tungsten and paper mache.
______ Yes, of course it does. Say someone is sending you EVIL messages (why is it always evil? Updated football scores would be much more helpful), IF you're wearing full Aluminum Foil Body Armor, the evil message bounces back AT them. Of course, that just makes THEM even more EVIL. So, you really can't win.
8) Are CROP CIRCLES an attempts by ALIEN civilizations to communicate with EARTH?
______ No. "That stuff's fake. See, me and Zeke done one of those crop circle dealies ourselves. We was doing shots on top of the woodshed pile- so, I says to Zeke, "I am sooo wasted." Wait, wait, wait. I says, "Let's drive ourselves over to Ulman's corn field". So, we done it. Course, it weren't no fancy thingee like they does up in England. Alls we really done was took the pickup and did donuts in the corn field."
______ Yes. Of course. How else could our home planet of Saturn keep us up to date with all the latest celebrity gossip? I can't live unless I know who Brackwirth Chippledook is dating! Remember when he was living with that far Saturn Moon girl? What a scandal!
9) Do you believe that computer gremlins invade your computer every night?
______ No. That gremlin problem was eliminated months ago!
______ Yes! I mean no, not gremlins. They're too big. It's those darn little fairies led by Tinkerbell that is slowing down my computer. Next time you talk to someone who fixes computers for a living, ask them WHAT they're doing about the "FAIRY PROBLEM."
10) Is Halloween a remnant of ancient Celtic superstition that on that one day, the boundary between the living and dead is erased?
______ No. It's just a great excuse to dress up like a hooker or a pimp!
______ Yes. But, it's not just one day. I see DEAD PEOPLE every day! (OK, who let Haley Joel Osment write this question?**)
** Haley Joel Osment. A reference to the movie "Sixth Sense" where he plays a little boy who sees people who are "DEAD." I hope I didn't ruin that movie for you now. Also, Darth Vader IS Luke Skywalker's father and the SHARK in "Jaws" explodes at the end. Oh, and, don't get too attached to Michael Corleone's Sicilian wife in "The Godfather"- just trust me on that one.
If you answered "Yes" to 0 questions: Liar, Liar, pants on fire!!!
If you answered "Yes" to 1 question: totally and Permanently insane. Recommend A F Hat.
If you answered "Yes" to 2 questions: Bed wetting issue still not resolved at ages 25-70. Recommend double strength A F Hat.
If you answered "Yes" to 3 questions: You are notorious for your elbow fetish! Sickie! Triple A F Hat.
If you answered "Yes" to 4 questions: Constant tugging of your earlobe has left your head lop-sided. A F Sombrero.
If you answered "Yes" to 5 questions: Are you half sane or half insane? If you're a positive person, you're half sane!! A F Sombrero with SPF 15.
If you answered "Yes" to 6-7 questions: Severely mentally disturbed. Employee of the month at Taco Bell. Begin FULL FOIL WRAP IMMEDIATELY!!
If you answered "Yes" to 8-10 questions: You are either a high level government employee, oil industry executive, or CEO of a Wall Street Brokerage House. You are already covered in FOIL WRAP from head to toe. Good Job!