ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • HubPages Tutorials and Community

Joe Explains How to Attract More Traffic to your Site

Updated on July 8, 2015

Joe Explains How to Attract More Traffic to your Site

Hello Again.

I'm Joe, the Internet Millionaire. If you haven't heard of me, I really don't know where you're been. You might want to read this, this, and this.

Why am I Writing to You Again?

I'm writing to you again because many folks have asked me about attracting more traffic to their web sites. Just the other day I was lying on the operating table being prepped for some elective surgery. My doctor leaned over me with a sharpie to annotate my anatomy. As he was scribbling, he casually said

"Hey, Joe, how can I attract more traffic to my web site?"

Well, I wasn't surprised by his question. We both knew that I was making more money laying on his table in a stylish hospital gown than he would make in his entire career as plastic surgeon to the stars. I felt bad for him; he went to plastic surgery school in Grenada and spent years working to earn his own reality TV show. I, on the other hand, have achieved wealth and security simply by creating simple web sites and following my simple steps to Internet Millions.

Anyway, I tried to explain my simple system to him, but the anesthesia took effect and all I could do was drool a little. As I drifted off to sleep I made a mental note to help this man achieve amazing Internet Wealth and also to find a new plastic surgeon; but probably not in that order.

Don't let this be you. No one wants to live out of a guitar case.
Don't let this be you. No one wants to live out of a guitar case. | Source

I Feel Sorry for All of You

Each and every one of you have my sympathies. Most of you will toil in some dead-end job like plastic surgeon or congressman while I lounge by the pool drinking tropical drinks served by highly skilled drink servers.

I want to help you attract more traffic to your site!

The key to making massive fortunes online couldn't be more simple. You need traffic. I'm not referring to the English rock band featuring Stevie Winwood and Dave Mason (although they did play at my 4th of July pool party.) Nor am I referring to the self-serving feature film starring Michael Douglas.

What Is Web Site Traffic?

Imagine this scenario:

  • You create a stunningly beautiful storefront on a major highway.
  • You stock it with iPod accessories, pomegranate juice, and Snuggies.
  • You provide ample parking and an organic juice bar.
  • You staff the check-out lines with stunning beautiful and well-scrubbed cashiers, each of whom can add 4-digit numbers in their head.


I bathe in cash because I can explain how to attract more traffic to your site.
I bathe in cash because I can explain how to attract more traffic to your site.

Attracting traffic to your web site is exactly like that, except your storefront is a web site, your inventory is a bunch of little icons, the major highway is a server, your parking lot is a server, and your check-out lines are also a server.

The juice bar is still a juice bar. I like to have mine set up next to the pool, but that's not a hard-and-fast rule.

Do You Now Understand the Importance of Internet Traffic?

I certainly hope you understand now. No self-respecting Internet Millionaire can survive without a thorough understanding of attracting Internet traffic.Traffic is our lifeblood, our Raison d'ĂȘtre, our holy grail, our ultimate longing, our incredible lightness of being. Traffic is to us as organic carbon-neutral cookies are to Al Gore.

Listen closely. You need stampedes of people stampeding to your site. You need hordes of web surfers to descend on your web pages like huge clouds of grasshoppers on surfboards. You cannot survive without mass quantities of web site traffic. Your chances of becoming an Internet Millionaire decrease dramatically unless someone actually looks at your web site.

I know what you're thinking: "What if I have only one Internet visitor to my web site but that person really really clicks a lot and buys a lot of stuff and spends a lot of time browsing?"

Are you really that Stupid?

No one can click that much. It's a scientifically proven fact that the human index finger will dehydrate and cramp up under that kind of stress. Even Superman with a titanium mouse and a fiber-optic broadband connection couldn't click that much.

Are you ready to learn how to attract more traffic to your site?

I am ready to tell you how to attract more traffic to your site!

Unfortunately, I am still groggy from my latest surgery. On the other hand, my pecs look amazing.

Take this poll because I said so

The easiest way to make money on the Internet is

See results


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Lamme profile image

      Lamme 7 years ago

      LOL, you really know how to bring in the traffic.

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      Quite so Joe, you got gum?

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @stuff4you: Not everyone.

    • stuff4you profile image

      stuff4you 7 years ago

      You seem to be writing this Hub as if everyone has low intelligence. On the other hand you're basically directing it at people who keep on struggling with internet traffic.

    • profile image

      khmohsin 7 years ago

      ... thanks for sharing this useful information

    • dabeaner profile image

      dabeaner 7 years ago from Nibiru

      Sorry, only you rich internet millionaires can afford cable, so I guess I won't be able to see that E-Channel. Unless of course, you finish this post about traffic after you recover from your pec surgery.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @dabeaner: The before picture is considered cruel and unusual punishment and the after picture is owned by Entertainment Tonight. Look for it on the E Channel very soon.

    • dabeaner profile image

      dabeaner 7 years ago from Nibiru

      To drive traffic, aren't supposed to add photos to your Hub, such as before and after pictures of your pecs?