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Ho Licino's Views On The New Gargantuan Hub Ads

Updated on March 15, 2011

In the memorable words of Liza Minnelli:

Money makes the world go around
The world go around
The world go around
Money makes the world go around
It makes the world go 'round.

A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound
A buck or a pound
A buck or a pound
Is all that makes the world go around,
That clinking clanking sound
Can make the world go 'round.

I'm absolutely no stranger to the necessity for money. It's very handy when the landlord comes around at the end of the month with a real mean scowl on his face, and it's even handier when you want to get your food through the check out counter at Safeway rather than through the dumpster at the back.

I have always had the romantic icon in my mind's eye of the dedicated author slaving away in his lonely, drafty writer's garret turning out magnificent words that will go unappreciated until after his death when he wins a posthumous Nobel Prize For Literature. However, enough neurons are still firing in my aged noggin so I'm fully aware that online writing in the 21st century has very little romanticism about it… unless you consider romanticism to be found on a street corner at 3 am in hotpants and a halter top.

The typical online writer has to consider that they are living off the avails of literary hohood. Sure, there are those who write for the love of words, but they are either living off daddy's trust fund or have just cashed a lottery ticket... or maybe a welfare check. Writing to produce memorable works for grateful readers is most certainly a laudable ambition but is likely to leave the writer destitute and cranking up his hand generator to recharge his netbook in an old fridge crate under a bridge.

I want to be crystal clear as to where I stand in this "write for money" issue: Just call me Ho Licino. Over my last few years I've managed to crank out well over ten thousand articles online with a quarter of them on this platform. My freelance rate for general online work has steadily increased from "two cents per word and damn happy to get it" to fifteen cents and up. I recently finished a major project at 23 cents, and I've charged as high as a buck but that particular project included translation as well.

When a writer is chasing clients who will pay these rates, there is little room for the enforcement of literary standards. Although I will always refuse writing about topics that verge on depravity, violence, hate, etc., I have often despaired when being faced with the 53rd instance where I have to sing the praises of adult diapers or tongue studs.

I recently had a client who turned back my first draft as it was "too highbrow." I dumbed it down and got it back again. This went on until Version 5 was produced at a fourth grade reading level and he finally exclaimed: "your writing is too damn good… people will be too interested in reading it and they won't click on the ads!"

That statement really drilled it into my head what I am: I'm a word ho. My job is to massage all those luscious long tails into some forgettable blather designed to bore a reader enough to click on "Buy This Junk Now."

When I read the Hubpages Blog: Get Ready for the Richest Display Ad Units on the Web I have to admit that the first sight of that hulking ad saddle hunched over a poor little Hub made me wince. It's a VW ad with a gray block of type appended to it which you expect to be the specs and legal disclaimers for a Routan. Writing an article submerged by such a massive ad is tantamount to nailing 95 theses promoting chastity onto an X-rated movie billboard overlooking the Sunset Strip. It is an affront to the writer, a slap in the face to the subject matter, and some may argue even a debasement of the platform itself.

I'll also be among the first adherents to it and plan on sticking it onto all the Hubs I possibly can! Why? I already told you: I'm Ho "Show Me The Money" Licino. Voulez-vous ecrire avec moi ce soir?

I'd like to take this opportunity to indicate to you that you can improve your lifestyle, get slimmer and stronger, live a longer and healthier life, be more attractive to the opposite gender, and cure that nasty inguinal itch by...

Nicomp and Hal Licino on their recent cruise

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    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Dang it! I knew that I'd missed some good ones! That's an anthology of Quicksand's Greatest Sinks! :)

    • quicksand profile image

      quicksand 

      8 years ago

      Wow! Thanks! But you've missed the good ones ... "no surfboards please," "do not watch your step," "buoys not allowed," "hope for a rope," "release me," (with apologies to Engelbert Humperdink!) "down under,"

      You dunno what you're missing! :)

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      quicksand: I do read your hubs. I especially loved "That Sinking Feeling", "I'll Never Let You Go", and "The Last Step You'll Ever Take". However, I think my fave is "Buy Granular Colloid Hydrogel Online". :)

      nicomp: You are most definitely a fine hubber and besides, you're one of the few (if any) homo sapiens whose sense of humour is as skewed as mine! :)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Wow. Coming from you, that's high praise. Thanks.

    • quicksand profile image

      quicksand 

      8 years ago

      My hub score is lower than yours! I could bring it down a little more if you promise to read my hubs!

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Well, first of all I did break my long standing policy to never read any Hubs by authors who have higher Hubscores than mine, as they're usually so full of themselves and have their noses so high in the air... :) But they were great Hubs. I really want the flushing cat toilet! I'm soooooooooo tired of the litter dust on my paws getting all over my keyboard! And your twitter bird logo made me hungry! YUM! Thanks! BTW, hardly insipid, but well seasoned by the skills of a fine Hubber! :)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Damn it! They got it wrong again. Redd's favorite flavor is chocolate. And she hates Aruba because it's too dry there. She's more of a rain forest chick.

      AND HEY! WHO YOU CALLIN' A STUPID CAT? I direct you to:

      Adler, H E "Some Factors Of Observation Learning In Cats". Journal of Genetic Psychology, 159-77.

      Hart, Benjamin L "Learning Ability in Cats" Feline Practice s(s): 10 - 12 (September—October 1975)

      John, E R, P Chesler, F Bartlett and I Victor. "Observation Learning in Cats" Science 1589 - 1591.

      ... and many more.

      Besides... you let a cat get near pot bait and you actually expect him to throw it overboard to let crabs eat it instead of licking his lips and digging in?

      One more thing... I had Opilio crabs and it was hell getting rid of them. Raid bidets are the WORST! :)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      I placed an order on that 0-9 site but they charged my debit card for a trip to Aruba and a gallon of butter pecan ice cream.

      That photo exemplifies why cats don't like to be held by horses near water. I think that was taken at the start of the '09 Opilio crab season. Stupid cat never did learn to bait the pots.

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Simply Redd: No way. That's a Photoshopped image. That's not me in the pic. The real pic of Nicomp and me on a cruise is below. :)

      aguasilver: Thanks! Keep on writing... for whatever reason you want! :)

    • aguasilver profile image

      John Harper 

      8 years ago from Malaga, Spain

      Boy, I'm real glad I don't write for money!

      Funny hub Hal...

      John

    • Simply Redd profile image

      Simply Redd 

      8 years ago from Canada

      It's nice to see you guys managed a little time away from your computers to enjoy the outdoors!

      http://alturl.com/2fmxs

      :D

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Sure, try newegg.com. Don't go to the one with the 0-9 at the end because it's set up so weird I can't find anything in it. :)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Do you know of any sites where I can find the best-computer-products?

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Age has its privileges. I got the ebay account at about the same time I got my first mobile in my crib. That was way back in the Stone Age when ebay was actually interested in getting sales. :)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Nice of you to put some verbiage between your eBay ads.

      BTW, how'd you get eBay privileges? I've applied 3 times.

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