How to Survive a Walmart or Sam's Club Redbook Investigation !
Given the right tools, even Trolls go bad!
Clean up on Aisle 666
If you are one of over a million employee's of this great corporation founded by a wonderful man named Sam Walton, be proud, but be prepared. One day you may be summoned to the manager's office to give your account of something that was...um, not in the best interest of the company!
you're you're reading this, you already know what the Redbook Investigation is. I hope with my background in Military Interrorgation, and 18 years with Mr. Big Box, I can give you a personal inside look, on how to conduct yourself during the dreaded Redbook, and avoid being terminated from the system.
Though the Redbook Investigation is a great tool to find out the How's and Why's of a situation within the system, it is also wide open for misuse by rogue management and HR personell. I have personally found that fifty percent of management and HR, will lie to save their job and the jobs of other managers. You only have one shot at it, and very little recourse if your system of management is corrupt. If you are the subject of the investigation, or called upon to give your facts on a situation, BEWARE!
Upon entering the office:
- RELAX! You are about to be asked a couple, or maybe a fifty five pound bag of questions by a group of people that just looked in the company manual, twice, to insure they are following procedure. They have gone thru every question they are going to ask you, and how the tough questions will be asked in a good cop, bad cop fashion. This may be your first time, but it is definitely not thiers. Be Prepared, your career and those of your co-workers depend on it!
- This is confidential, Please speak open and freely. That's what you will be told upon entering. Even Judge Judy would be more inclined to take a fifth of Jack, then believe this fly to the spider enticement. Yes it is confidential, but the open and freely should be changed, to anything you say, can, and will be used against you. Mind you, this pertains even if you are not the subject in question. I.E. A question like "What do you think of Lil Johnny", and a response like "Lil Johnny is a liability to the company and a piece of feces," will be written down, sent to HR, and you will be fired. Your manager will apologize and state that it is HR firing you and not them, even though they were the ones to write down your feces statement and send it to HR. Confront them on this, and ask to speak to your district manager immeadiately. Most of all, remember, Your being told to speak open and freely is an outright lie, being told by an Outright Liar.
- Support our Troops! Military veterans: If you are terminated for things you stated in a Redbook In-Terror-gation, there is a possibility that the local constable will be called upon, to insure that your presence is removed peacefully. Though you may not hold any violent feelings, management will purposely create a false flag atmosphere, to distract the other employee's from the true reason you were fired. Being a World War Two Ace with the most Japanese Zero's shot down, might elicit a swat team for your removal. These are the corrupt liars you risked your life for in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iwo Jima. This is their way of repaying you for risking your life, so that they may continue to be corrupt!
- Pull up a Chair! The chair you have been asked to sit down in, has been strategically placed by management prior to your arrival. Your height has been discussed, and the chair has been lowered appropriately to give them a psychological advantage towering over you. So upon entering, immeadiately raise the chair to the highest position, or inform them that you feel uncomfortable and wish to stand. "Will your answers be different if you stand?"
- Don't Rush! Take a moment after each question is asked to ingest it. If the question appears to be vague, don't hesitate to ask to repeat it. Be sure, to be as short, and to the point as possible, never elaborate or infer. Be honest, and if you are not one hundred percent sure, tell them you don't fully recall.
- Don't Touch That! Eleven out of ten times a plate of cookies and or donuts will be offered for your favor. They will offer to get you, your favorite tasty bevarage! Beware! Loading you up into a sugar fix is a great way to get you talking more than you ever intended to. Ask for a bottle of water, and make sure the cap is........ factory sealed.
- Don't Panic! Unless you see all the items needed for a good old fashioned, Dick Cheney, Waterboarding in the office, don't worry, be happy. Don't fidget, or cross your arms. Relax with your arms to your side and look them in the eyes as much as possible! If you have this terrible urge to pick your nose, or scratch your hiney, why not. Your supposedly among friends!
- They don't believe me! If one of the partie's snickers, or laughs at one of your answers, inform the highest ranking manager in the office immeadiately. Let them know this behaviour made you feel totally uncomfortable, and do not accept any apologies for it. That manager has shown his or her bias toward your answers. You were found guilty before you walked in the door, it's a trap. Ask to speak with your district manager concerning this managers unprofessional response, and refuse to answer any questions till you discuss this with your district manager.
- The Fox is Gaurding the Hen House! If you have recently made a complaint to your district manager, and or home office, and the same people you are complaining about are interviewing you, or they are the managers that work with the people your complaint was about, let it be known before the questioning that this is completely unethical and you wish to speak to the district manager, then and now. No matter what anyone says, these managers cover for each other when they need time off, associate with each other after work, etc., They are not going to let anyone throw their Co-Conspirators under the bus.
- That's not what I said! At the end of the interview, ask to see the notes that the manager in the corner has been scribbling away at. If they have nothing to hide they will let you see those notes, to verify the accuracy of the conversation that just took place. If they refuse to let you see those notes, it's probably because a lot of things you didn't say are in there, or the manager was doodling or scribbling their grocery list.
- Now What! After the so called interview, make note of the length of the conversation, those involved, attitudes in the questioning, and any question you felt was completely out of place. Don't discuss the interview with co workers. Simply saying "it was allright", will turn into it really blew chunks" and you will be back in the office for round two.
- Don't Blow up any bridges! So you gave it your best shot, and there is no way back to work for the evil darklords. Take it in stride, like the great Obi Wan Kenobi once said, Who's the more fool, the fool, or the fool who follows the fool?
- In conclusion. The Redbook investigation is there to protect you, and the company from "detrimental situations". However, when managers and or HR personell use it as a personal vendetta, they are entering into a separate agreement of personal consequences, that is not the original intention of the program. Managers and HR personell that use unauthorized, corrupt tactics, are in themselves, corrupt. These corrupt manager's need to be called out, and terminated from the system, before good people are lost or the company suffers possible liabilities.
- Note: If you are presently working for this corporation, please do not put any comments, as they will track you right down to your DNA and Terminate You!
I hope this has been a little bit of an insight on what to expect and how to conduct yourself. I appreciate comments as to the subject.
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