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Top 10 Ways Not to Make Money on HubPages.com
It seems everyone these days is writing articles on how to make money using HubPages and other content providers online. I could never quite understand what all the fuss was about as it seems all you have to do is write something interesting and people pay you for it.
In fact, so many people are making so much money so easily, I feel it has gone overboard. Money can be dangerous. It can buy things like drugs, alcohol, or the whole first season of "Three and a Half Men" on DVD. Not a good combination.
So with that in mind I put together this top ten list of ways NOT to make money on Hubpages so you stay safe and money free. Take notes kids.
10. Don't post any content
This may seem pretty obvious but believe it or not many people have over 1000 Hubs published here on HubPages.com. If you have this many Hubs you are almost guaranteed to be able to passively pay your grocery bill every month, even if your posts are filled with mindless, nonsensical drivel. Don't take any chances in the rare event you may actually post something interesting and simply stop posting content. (Or procrastinate indefinitely, this works as well.)
9. Write Articles in a different language; preferably one you have made up
English is quickly becoming the official language of the world and most everyone these days seems to be able to speak it. If you are online and can put together an English sentence with half-decent syntax and at least 50% correct spelling and grammar then you are almost guaranteed to be able to make a profit. Avoid this by being completely incomprehensible and/or starting every sentence with "Dear Sir". For instance:
Dear Sir, Giptop grobkin ulcer cantal0upe rubinicus optum primus miscus discus hibiscus catchysongfrom80s ong? Bereftacuf nitch dolly parton 72. &^? Doh.%
I just explained to you that you have a six million dollar inheritance waiting for you in a bank account in Nigeria. Very useful and profitable information if it got out. Good thing we know better.
8. Publish articles on Ezinearticles.com
Lawsuit is already pending. Mission accomplished.
7. Insult the Moderators in your article titles
Hubs with titles such as:
"Do HubPage Moderators Shower? A Fact Finding Essay"
"Top 10 things HubPage moderators do to your articles when you're not looking"
"Poll: HubPage Moderator Most Likely to be a Russian Spy"
"Fact: Not a single HubPage moderator has released their long form birth certificate; what are they hiding?"
"Correlation found between number of HubPage moderators currently online and frequency of natural disasters; coincidence or conspiracy?"
"5 HubPage Moderator Passwords You Should Know"
"Top Ten Things HubPage Moderators do in their spare time that rhyme with "Rubbing Rabie Steels"
"HubPage Moderators and Stalin; is there a connection?"
Article titles like these will likely get your article sent straight to Banville. A great way to avoid making money.
6. Employ the Kidman Effect
Distract the users from clicking on moneymaking ads by posting nude pictures you have found of celebrities on the web. Interlocking combo strategies such as this and the previous technique is a surefire way to get you banned quicker and keep your pockets empty.
5. Poetry Poetry and more Poetry
Poetry is a great way to release pent up emotion, creativity and boredom in over-punctuated indigestible articles here on HubPages. They are also a great way to avoid making money. Publish poetry constantly but avoid making sense or coming off as profound or spiritual; that may backfire drastically.
4. Drink lots of Alcohol
Everyone knows Ernest Hemingway right? One of the greatest writers ever made? Well he was also a raging alcoholic. Therefore, if you too write (scribble) enough poetry (nonsense) you will also become an alcoholic – according to the correlation I just made up. This is another great way to ensure nothing you ever write makes sense. (Hint I'm taking my own advice right now.)
3. Engage in frequent and unsupervised highly dangerous outdoor sporting activities
These ideas just keep getting better and better. You can't possibly post profitable Hubs if you're dead right?
Right. Check and mate.
2. Publish a Book
While this may seem dangerous at first, as most publishers will insist on paying you for your "content", have no worry because publishing a book often leads to rampant and unimpeded binge drinking and suicidal depression as you hopelessly try to match your initial success and overcome your writers block and anal retentive indignation of always being known as that one hit writing wonder who never quite made it big like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling but secretly you know you're better than them because people just don't give you credit or get where you're coming from because really you're on entirely different level spiritually than most people and they just don't get the depth and sincerity of your work which takes an enlightened mind to understand and appreciate and all those publishers can really just go %^$# themselves because you know your strengths and that story was ^%^&# amazing.
Anyway, if you publish a book you are less likely to be spending any time on HubPages in the first place so your chances of making money fall dramatically. Another win for us.
And finally, the number one MOST IMPORTANT rule you MUST FOLLOW if you are absolutely certain you never ever ever want to make a single dime writing for HubPages EVER again is:
1. DO NOT GET A CAT
There is no better way to ensure you remain a poor starving writer then living without a cat. Cats have been scientifically proven to increase writing productivity, creativity, and sarcasm levels by at least 212%. Getting a cat will almost assuredly smash any hopes you have of not making money as a writer.
I once had two cats and had to get rid of one of them because he increased my other cats writing ability by 42%. He was making me look bad and nobody does that to me except me. Bad kitty.
Anyway, that's it for now. Stay broke my friends.